What is a FAQ?

You see, when a mommy and a daddy really love each other, sometimes they kiss and hug each other at night with all their clothes off, in their bedroom. Well, some mommys and daddys like to do it in the daytime, too, on the kitchen counter. We call those people "homosexuals", and they make the baby Jesus cry.

And what about the adult Jesus?

We like to think that the grown-up Jesus is made of sterner stuff than that. He's a bit more worldly, if you catch our drift. A confirmed bachelor, as they say. Son of a virgin. Mm. Yes.

Okay... So. Who owns this faqing place?!

That depends. Who's asking?

Me! I'm asking! Who are you people?

And you are...?

Oh good grief! I'm a reader, okay? A lurker! There, I said it, I'm a lurker.

Uh-huh... And you're asking, because...?

Because there are so many of you here, you could invade China!

I see. And you have a problem with that?

No! I just- oh, forget it... ev, zorkie, you guys are the owners, right?

Aha! So if you already knew that then why were you asking, huh? HUH?!

Let go of me! Please!

Say uncle!

Uncle! Uncle! Hey, that reminds me, why can't I say crap?

Because crap is part of craps and craps is a very-very bad word. Here are some other very-very bad words that only spammers very-very bad people use: casino, poker, blackjack, incest, any url with .info in it, viagra, credit card application, pharmacy, penis enlargement, weight loss and thank you! Yes, that's right, thank you! You are not to show enthusiasm in your thank yous! Thank you.

Okay. No enthusiasm, got it. Say, how do I upload images to bloggie?

Ask RIP Ford or aridog. And ask nicely!

So please tell me.

aridog at 04:59 PM on July 10, 2005

1. Save your photograph, from whatever source in your “My Pictures" folder in your “My Documents" folder…for Windows anyway…other OS try the equivalent directories.

2. With MS Photo Editor or Adobe Photoshop or other photo software, resize the image to not more than 500 pixels wide (suggest 400 pixels to be safe)….the height will take care of itself if the softare sustains the aspect ratio.

3. Go to http://photobucket.com/ and register as a user, it is free for the basic version. Photobucket Note: Photobucket also has an “edit" feature than will reduce sizes for you…click on edit for photo already imported.

4. In “Photobucket" select “Browse" or “Choose" (some will see one or the other)…it should go to your “My Pictures" folder on your hard drive.

5. Select the photo you want to post, click on open, and it will register in Photobucket….then click on submit. The imported photo will appear on the directory of thumbnail images.

6. Highlight the line opposite the word “Tag" , right click on the highlighted text, and then click on “copy."

7. Go to DL comment text block and click where you want the photo, right click again and click on “paste"….your picture will appear in the comment block. It should fit inside the margins of the comment block in Preview block....to see it you have to move the cursor to end and space once in the comment block.

Jefe at 10:45 am on Sep 25, 2005

That's one way. I do the same, except I click on "Add pictures from URL" in Photobucket and skip saving it to the hard drive (unless it's one I'm posting from the hard drive, not the internet). You can also use the Photobucket "edit" button to resize if needed.

Now keep in mind that the maximum width allowed for images is 385. Anything larger breaks our layout and your comment will be deleted. You don't want to be deleted, trust me. It really hurts.

Will you put my blog on your blogroll?

It depends. Do you have bloggie on your blogroll? And don't lie to us, 'cause we will check your ass! If you do, then probably yes. If you don't, we'll have to consult our horoscopes and if they coincide we'll consider it.

You took me off your blogroll! What did I do?!

You were probably not tall enough, not rich enough, and your pension plan stank.

What is this hyper...potamusthingy and why do I have to feed it?

Once upon a time, people used to go OT and they would apologize for going OT and feel bad about it and cry and other people would have to console them and the whole blog would break out in tears and people would need support and counseling. Pet therapy is highly recommended for emotional people like Republicans and so we got a hyperlinkopotamus (the store was all out of puppies). The hyperlinkopotamus is your friend. The hyperlinkopotamus is always here for you. Feed him a link. Start a thread of your own. You too can be a blogger!

Why didn't my link post to the hyper...potamusthingy?

You either switched the link and description, or you pasted a link that didn't start in http://. Or you gave the hyperlinkopotamus indigestion.

How do I say it, anyway?

What, cat got your tongue? Sheesh! It's so easy! Hyperlinkopotamus! You can say "the hippo" if you like.

The hippo burped and he told me I can't feed him anymore, he's full!

Well, duh! How many threads have you fed him in the last 3 hours? The poor guy will get diarrhea! You can feed him 4 threads every three hours. And no chocolate, he's allergic!

Why don't I see the entire titles of emoticons, images and the sidebar recent comments listing?

Because you're using Firefox, Mozilla or Netscape, which, due to being based on code written by some pimply linux geek in his mom's basement between rounds of CounterStrike, is garbage. Switch to Opera and your titles will no longer be truncated to three letters (or whatever)!

What browser works best for your site?

C'mere my friend, sit down, sit down. So you wanna know about browsers? Lemme tell you about browsers. How would you like it if you never had to talk about browsers again, eh? Never a complaint, never a bad word, no naggin', no bitchin' no nothin' but looove baby, hot monkey browser love! How would you like that, eh? You would, yeah I know you would, who wouldn't... Awright, come close, let me tell you somethin'... Opera. O-p-e-r-a. Thassright.

Oh.

Thassright. O. As in Opera.

Where's my hat tip?

We don't give hat tips because usually we're not wearing a hat. We do give alcohol, usually thimblefuls of cognac, because we're usually drinking cognac and we're cheap with it.

What's this stuff in the sidebar? "Active threads since midnight"? "Threads you've been on"? How does bloggie know what threads I've been on?!

Bloggie knows everything, you silly human. They're both self-explanatory links, so click on them! Don't you want to see where the hot people have been hanging out in your absence? What hot things they said? Click on "active threads since midnight" to get the scoop. And if you want to see who laughed or didn't laugh at your brilliant joke, click on "threads you've been on". Simple, yes?

Oh sure. Very simple.

Good. Are we done yet, or is this interrogation going to take all night?

Almost there. What about the "redecorate bloggie", what does that mean? And what is this marginalia business and why does it sound dirty? I'm a family person, you know!

Aren't we all... Will you click on things already!?!?! It says right there, "redecorate bloggie", what do you think it means?!

Okay, okay, I'll click on things! Sheesh!

Don't sheesh me! I'm the one who should be sheeshing! Sheesh!

Ahem... Um... Can I ask you...I heard some things about the DL women... Is it true what they say?

War sluts, under thirty, slim thighs, stilleto heels, fishnet stockings, tight butts (with only minor burnmarks) and big boobs? It's all true.

Yeah, baby! So, what does a guy need to do to score some around here?

Got cheese?

Cheese, eh... Ok! Hey, what's with the cabal, huh? Who are they?

cabal: a small group of secret plotters, as against a government or person in authority.

Who do *you* think they are, huh?

Oh my...

Oh yours, is right.

Well I just mean, why are they there? And they're not always there! How do I know when they're going to be there? What kind of service is this?!

Oh, I totally agree! The service around here is terrible! I have been complaining about the service for years now! Anyway, back to your question. What was it?

The cabal...

Right. Well, the cabal doesn't write posts every day like ev and zorkie do, the cabal writes posts whenever the cabal feels like it. That's because they're zionists and they control the blog.

Ah okay, let me write this down, zionists control the blog... Okay. So... how do I post a link?

One of our experts can answer this question. Dances With Typos?

Dances With Typos at 08:10 AM on July 10, 2005

Go to the site you want to link to. Copy the address there. Then come back to Bloggie, click on the "link" above the comment square. It will come up with "http://" already in place. Erase that, then paste in your link & click ok. It will then come up with another blank, type in your words for folks to click on (i.e.: "You are a Dolt," or anything you like). Click ok, again and you should have it. If you would rather type the address for your link in, then do not erase the existing "http://" just add to it the rest of your link address, click ok, then do the words for folks to click on.

Never give up!

Thank you, Dances With Typos.

Yes, thanks! Also, what's a "spoiler"?

Frank! Can you please explain to this person what's a "spoiler"?

Frank IBC at 08:01 AM on July 10, 2005 "Spoiler" = Inviso-Text.

Gee, thanks a lot, that cleared it right up!

You're welcome!

What does CCMAO mean?

Have you been living under a rock? Don't you know about the chickens and the coops and the zionist conspiracy? Do you even deserve to be on this blog?! Do you?! Speak up!

I'm sorry! I didn't know!

Damn right you didn't know! And you better not tell anyone, either! You hear me?! Or there will be consequences!

I won't, I promise! Oh my goodness, what other terrible secrets does DL have?!

Titles. You can put titles in the emoticons and voilà, an instant secret message that only you and the rest of the world can read.

Okay... So how do I do that?

Pick an emoticon. See where it says title="your text here"? Put your text there, inside the quotes. There. Now you're one of us.

Hey! I just discovered I can I do that in the marginalia too! Haha! This is so cool!

Yeah, totally life-changing. Are we done yet?

Almost, almost! Say, I have an emoticon I'd like to add to the smiley picker!

Ah, that's very cute, Calvin peeing on a Ford logo. Sure! Email it to us and we'll add it.

About your layout...

You love it, don't you.

Well, um...

YOU LOVE IT.

Absolutely! It's not like it sucks or anything!

That's the spirit.

Why does bloggie look funny?

It's your resolution and your browser and your text size and your fault! There's nothing wrong with bloggie! Nothing!

Okay, seriously: why don't you ban these totally obnoxious people? They're driving me nuts!

Tell me about it! You think they drive you nuts? How do you think I feel, huh? Do you ever stop to think about that? No! Of course not! It's always about you, isn't it?!

I'm sorry...

You should be! Now go make yourself useful, what are you hanging around here for?!

Well, I was wondering... you're publishing posts but you're not answering comments... Are you ignoring me?

We schedule our posts and they publish automatically, bloggie's totally high tech. If we're not in the comments, we're not around. If we're around, we're in the comments. If you feel we're ignoring you, go wash some dishes. And bring me a coke when you're done.

Does bloggie really love me? (Me, personally?)

Yes. It's a stage bloggie's going through, it loves everyone. We apologize for the leg-humping.

Can I write a guest post?

Glad you asked! Yes! Read this then email your writing here. Now go write it. Hurry.

You guys are so awesome. I want to give you money. Where is the tip jar?

Uh, zorkie? Have you seen the tip jar? No? Oh, I broke it? Hmm, my pockets are full. Uh...slip it in zorkie's bra. But don't cop a feel or you're dead!

Can you help me find this post you did...?

No! Use Google or the bloggie search box. We can never find anything in this place because of all the dirty socks, empty cognac bottles and crumpled-up typewriter pages.

You blog on a typewriter?

Ah, shaddup...