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Now Panic and Freak Out


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MI5 Ladies Auxiliary

evariste and zorkie, still shocked and stunned by the shocking, stunning Ferkakta news, are in the diner drinking cognac--for medicinal purposes--and contemplating the seriousness of the situation, when their contemplation is interrupted by the arrival of...

Fay: zorkie darling, are you okay? We almost crashed, we clicked our bookmarks so fast! evariste...

cba: zorkie, how are you? We were so worried! evariste...

annie: zorkie! I brought you some chicken soup, sit down dear, have some! evariste...

Fay: Actually zorkie, you should go rest darling, you have the trial today, you don't want to look tired. Let us have a little talk with ev here...

cba: Yes, let us have a little talk with evariste.

annie: Take the soup with you, zorkie! And put your feet up!

Fay: Sit down, ev.

cba: I've got the tape recorder, notebooks and pencils. annie, you have his file?

annie: Right here, we each get our own copy, and here's a pink highlighter for you and a yellow one for our Fay.

Fay: Thank you annie. Shall we? So, ev... Why don't you tell us exactly what happened.

cba: And we mean exactly.

annie: And enunciate clearly, please.

evariste: I... um... I was making tea and-

cba: Did you microwave the water?

evariste: No! I wouldn't do that!

Fay: Uh-huh.

evariste: I put a pot on the stove! I swear!

Fay: Uh-huh.

annie: Was it a gas stove or an electric stove?

evariste: Oh, um... gas! No-wait! Electric! No, no! It's gas, it's gas!

annie: I see.

cba: Did you use fresh water, from the faucet?

evariste: Er...

Fay: I bet he used the same old water that was in the pot. Didn't you, ev.

evariste: I--no! I--um...

cba: Well, ev?

evariste: I'm not sure...

annie: I see. And then what happened?

evariste: And then these guys broke in and grabbed me and--

Fay: How many guys grabbed you?

evariste: Um...Two, three, something like that.

cba: "Two, three?" You don't know how many guys grabbed you?

evariste: I'm not sure, see, because two of them were one--er, I mean one of them was two--no, wait...

Fay: Not very good at maths, are you.

evariste: No, I--

Fay: It says here that you've taken eight O levels, is that correct?

cba: My copy states he's taken seven.

annie: Your copy is the one that's of suspicious origin ... we found it next to that lamp in Frank IBC's quarters, remember?

cba: Apologies, my mistake. Go on, evariste.

evariste: What do my O levels have to do--

annie: Answer the question, please.

evariste: I think I've taken eight--um, can I have something to drink?

Fay: Was it the Cambridge GCSE's?

evariste: Yes--I mean no! It was the--uh--it was the...

Fay: It was the ULEAC CGEs. And you scored straight A's. Just as I suspected.

cba: So he took the ULEAC GCEs and he scored straight A's yet he could not count how many guys grabbed him. Interesting.

annie: Such a smart boy and such a troublemaker... tsk-tsk-tsk...

evariste: I didn't do anything!

annie: Aha. Which leads us to the next question.

cba: Go ahead Fay.

Fay: It's come to our attention that you often wear boxers with $100 bills on them. What's their connection to Ferkakta, ev?

evariste: There's no connection, they're just boxers! All my boxers are strange!

cba: What do you mean "strange?" Please clarify.

annie: And don't mumble.

evariste: I look for strange boxers, that's all! I like to impress my girlfriends, is that a crime?

Fay: Girlfriends, eh? What did I tell you? Cherchez la femme.

cba: I suspected for a long time as well.

annie: Well done, ladies. Are we ready to proceed to the re-enactment of the crime scene?

cba: One more quick question on the subject. evariste, tell us about your girlfriends and start with your first one: how old were you, how old was she, what did you wear on your first date and where did you go. And be specific, please.

evariste: Um, I- Oh shit! The trial! I'm late! I really gotta run, bye!

cba: I knew he'd find some excuse to avoid the question. Typical.

annie: Pathetic.

Fay: But not bad for an hour's work. He did admit to possible violations of the 1973 Teamaking Treaty, he did admit to a discrepancy in numbers, he did admit to inaction and he did admit to sex. We'll continue to collect evidence and we'll get to the bottom of this, you'll see.

Posted by zorkmidden on Sep 29, 2005 7:00 am

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