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You're the schlager in my gold flakes

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This is not a post about my cat

I've seen bloggers do posts about their cats and I'd like to say that I'm not one of those bloggers. First of all, I don't have a cat. Second of all, I don't even like cats. However, I live with another person's cat. This cat, previously known as Psipsini, which means "kitty" in Greek, is now known as the Dementor.

The Dementor is ancient. No one knows exactly how old she is but I estimate 175 in dog years. Since she shows no intention of dying, I presume she plans to outlive all cats west of the Mississipi. She's a very small cat, she weighs about three pounds soaking wet but she's fluffy and her hair makes her look like she takes a lot of room. At least the dogs think so. She does anything she wants with them, which includes random acts of terror.

When the doggies and I go up the stairs to bed, she runs ahead of us and waits on the landing with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face. The dogs by now know what to expect so they whimper a little and try to hide behind me but I won't have any of that. I'm just as scared of the Dementor as they are and since they're dogs and they're supposed to protect me, I make them go first. The oldest dog hangs his head down and tries to keep his distance but it's a small space. As he goes past, the Dementor claws him on the neck and slaps his left ear. He yelps, whines, and goes to bed. When the shih-tzu's turn comes he hesitantly approaches and she only slaps the air, intentionally missing him but letting him know it was no accident. He's safely off and I'm alone on the landing with the cat. We eyeball each other but thankfully she just throws me a dirty look before continuing her way into my office.

Did I say my office? Yes, I did. Did I mention she's not my cat? Yes, I did. You'd think she'd respect the rule of non-ownership and stay the hell away from me and my computer but she likes machinery. She likes to put her hairy paw on my keyboard and claw me while I type. She also likes to claw my legs, it's a "a sign of affection" I've been told. I wish she'd love me less.

The Dementor also yells very loudly, she emits these vampiric, screeching howls that reverberate through the house. I think she does it for the shock value. People look at me suspiciously, paying no attention to my assurances that she's not trapped anywhere or hurt, they offer to go look. I know she's not hurt. She's at the top of the stairs howling down to see who answers her. Whoever does, she claws him. She also howls when she wants a door open. That is, she howls in front of the few doors she's not able to open herself. She howls when I keep my door closed and I don't let her in my office. That is extremely annoying in itself, but even more annoying is when she sticks her paw under the door and starts probing. She turns her paw upwards too, like she's going for the doorknob, and she starts howling and screeching. I don't have a lock on this door so this is all very scary.

Anyway, I spend a lot of my time hiding from her. She's out there as I type this and there's no guarantee she won't come in and do some unspeakable evil again. I just want to say quickly that I don't understand why people have cats as pets, they make terrible compa-OUCH!

Posted by zorkmidden on Aug 16, 2005 12:00 pm

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