discarded lies: tuesday, may 30, 2017 4:08 pm zst
consequences will never be the same
daily archive: 11/08/2006
guest author: joem in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
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zorkmidden in Discarded Lies:
When a problem arises, who do you call?
So we had elections yesterday and some party won and will now control the House or the Mansion or the Congress or whatever those crazy Americans like to control. I'm one of those people that believe America is a great country whether Democrats or Republicans are in charge and I believe that in the end, we're all red, white and blue, as Memphis Bill pointed out yesterday. But there are several reasons why America is a great country and they go beyond this - admittedly very nice - red, white and blue principle.

What reasons you ask?

Well, animal manure and unwanted leaflet on car, to begin with.

I have this list on my refrigerator that says "When a problem arises, who do you call?" and it proceeds to list a series of problems and people to call. You see a belligerent person? There's a number to call for that. You see graffiti? There's a number for that too. I have a number for rats (non-pets, I assume) and a number for sinkholes and collapsed streets. Besides the number for the animal manure and the unwanted leaflet, I can also call if I spot a hazardous sidewalk or an overgrown weed. Here are all the problems that I can call about:

Abandoned car, Abandoned/dangerous building, Animal manure, Belligerent person, Broken or burned-out street light, Car & building alarm, Damaged bus or shelter, Damaged mail box, Dangerous animal, Dead animal, Disabled car or motorist, Down power lines, Fallen trees or debris, Flooded street or clogged storm drain, Gas leak, Graffiti, Hazardous sidewalk, Loud noises, Missing or damaged manhole cover, Nonfuctioning traffic light, Nuisance bar, Open fire hydrant, Overgrown weeds, Overflowing dumpster, Pothole, Rats, Sinkhole or Collapsed Street, Suspected Arson, Trash-strewn lot, Tree limbs in electrical wires, Uncollected trash/recyclables, Underage drinking, Unwanted leaflet on car.

Now I ask you. How many countries have a special number you can call if you see an unwanted leaflet on a car? This is first-world living, my friends. I had to call Animal Control one time because I thought I saw a puppy under my car and it was too scared to come out. A very nice animal control lady came within 10 minutes or so and she looked under the car but there was no puppy. She informed me I had probably seen a rat. I suppose I should have called the rat number on my list but she was nice and she didn't reprimand me or anything. Meanwhile, in my glorious country of Yunanistan, we have three numbers to call, fire, police and ambulance. The police and the fire are a little slow, but if the medics are not on strike, if there aren't too many emergencies at the time and if the traffic is not too congested, we can expect the ambulance to arrive within three hours for sure. Here, for an oven fire, I get a whole team of gorgeous firefighters who are in my house within three minutes. In America, I enjoy setting my oven on fire.

It figures that in America I would have a list of people to call when a problem arises. After all, the whole world always calls America when a problem arises. And during those times, no one cares if it's Republicans or Democrats in power.

So if you want to bicker about politics, fine, go for it. Me, I'm just happy to be here. Not to mention that I have no time for bickering, I'm on the lookout for overgrown weeds - the moment I spot one, I'm going to call that number on my list and bitterly complain about the sorry state of our country.
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guest author: Sean Gleeson in Discarded Lies:
The Early Show
HARRY SMITH: Welcome back to The Early Show, I'm Harry Smith. With us today in our New York studios is U.S. Federal Communications Commission Chairman Kevin Martin. Mr. Martin, welcome.

KEVIN MARTIN: Thank you, Harry, good to be here.

HARRY SMITH: Mr. Martin, the FCC issued a new ruling today on profanity, is that correct?

KEVIN MARTIN: That's right, Harry. The commission decided that profanities can be used on news programs, but not on entertainment programs. We feel that this is a fair compromise that accommodates the freedom of...

HARRY SMITH: Shit.

KEVIN MARTIN: Pardon?

HARRY SMITH: Shit! That's one of the words I can say, right? Shit?

KEVIN MARTIN: Um. Yes, that word, which you said, is one of the profanities which...

HARRY SMITH: Shit! This is cool. Thank you for coming, Mr. Martin. And now, Julie Chen has a story, about some fucking elections. Julie?

JULIE CHEN: Thank you, Harry. The voting is over, but the counting has barely started, and Senate races in three fucking states are too close to call.

HARRY SMITH: Shit. So we won't know which party controls the Senate until...?

JULIE CHEN: It could be weeks or fucking months, Harry.

HARRY SMITH: Shit. Tits.

JULIE CHEN: Assholes.

HARRY SMITH: Fuck. Let's check in with CBS weatherman Dave Price. Dave, what's the national weather picture this morning?

DAVE PRICE: Shitty, Harry. It's fucking raining in Washington, and fucking cold in many parts of the country. Bundle up, or you'll freeze your asses off!

JULIE CHEN: Tits, too. Brrrr. Tits, tits, tits.

HARRY SMITH: Dave will be back with the five-day forecast, after these fucking commercials. Stay with us.
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