daily archive: 09/06/2007
Curses upon my parents
I have often wished to redesign my body – limited as it is to the genetic information in the 48 chromosomes which my parents unwisely bequeathed to me.
Here are some improvements:
Photosynthetic hair is a no-brainer. You can get your food from the air. Clearly the head, arm, and leg hair need to turn green. I am less certain about other hair. I gave great thought as to whether or not photosynthetic skin might be a good idea, but the Incredible Hulk convinced me otherwise from simply aesthetic concerns.
A ten foot long prehensile tail is a clear necessity. This will mean that either my pants will have to be cut fuller in the rear or that there will have to be a tail hole. The tail hole seems more comfortable. Prehensile means hand-like – so that my tail will give me something like a third hand as well as far greater ability to hang and swing from trees or powerlines.
A seventeen foot long prehensile tongue would obviously be far preferable to my current two inch stub tongue. Imagine you are sitting in McDonald’s eating Chicken McNuggets (yuck) and somebody comes in with a Big Mac and sits down across the restaurant. You just send out your prehensile tongue and make that Big Mac yours. Or alternatively, you are sitting in a really boring college class where the professor is droning on and on about the idiocy of GWB and you have a friend who chose intelligently to wear a skirt sitting two rows in front of you.
I gave extended thought to acquiring the two-headed penis of the kangaroo whose two penis-heads head off to the two separate wombs of the she-kangaroo. I had difficulty imagining that two heads could possibly be more fun than one head; so this modification was rejected.
Lastly, there are wings. I need wings. To soar above the Earth – particularly when the subway has problems conveying me across the East River – also to dispense with elevators. Obviously, my shirts will need to be redesigned to be much more like hospital johnnies. If I could have wings, I would be willing to forego the previous requested improvements.
pretty please God?
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