Johnny Foreigner, curse your luck for not having access to these exclusively British things. Page 3 Girls
It's the saucy seaside postcard, the Carry On film, or Robin Askwith's arse - that peculiarly British take on sex and nudity that usually involves wearing one's socks to bed. There's something so civilised and British about the nudity of Page 3's lovely ladies, too - pored over at breakfast table along with the crossword - that puts the rest of the planet to shame. Trainspotting
To the rest of the world, trains are merely something that gets you from A to B on time. Not in the UK. Here, dishevelled men in Parkas with notebooks and flask perched on station platforms noting numbers of the choo-choos (which are generally three quarters of an hour late). The Gentry
Hoards of over fed, under bred posh folk with the slimmest of claims of being royalty roam the land in massive cars (Range Rovers and Bentleys) or chase mammals across their huge estates on horseback. Anywhere else there'd be a revolution. Fish And Chips
When we eat the fruits of the sea, we don't want to be making eye contact with it. Chop the fishy's head off, rip out its spine and deep fry it. And thick cut chips, if you please. The more grease and fat the better. Pubs
Where the foreign type might favour a fancy bar serving wine by the glass or light beers in bottles, the British favour a boozer with snugs, dartboards and walls the colour of the inside of a smoker's lung. Oh, and beer that actually gets you drunk. Village Fetes
Along with Morris dancing (above) and tombolas, proof that eccentricity, the kind that sells to American tourists, is still alive and well in parts of the UK. Nettle eating contests, cheese rolling and enormous great sideburns are what makes this country great. Herberts, Chavs And Scallies
Sportswear clad scamps who, along with their scrunchie wearing sherbert/chavette/scalliette female counterparts, hang out pointlessly on our street corners flying a (fake) Burberry flag for British youth. Just don't ask them to look after your car. More info on this growing underclass can be found at www.chavscum.co.uk And Finally
Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.