discarded lies: wednesday, july 23, 2014 2:51 am zst
rootless cosmopolitans
daily archive: 05/11/2008
guest author: RIP Ford in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Scherzo in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Dances With Typos in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: airforcewife in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: franco cbi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Dances With Typos in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: סטרמי Stormi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: franco cbi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Sean Gleeson in Discarded Lies:
The Podium Chronicles
Chapter 1: Birth of a Hero

[SCENE: A dark cave, with computers and blinking lights.]

"Seven years ago, I watched my parents die at the hands of a violent criminal."

"Yes sir, we know. That's the day you swore to dedicate your life, and your vast fortune, to fighting crime, right?"

"I've told you this story before then, have I?"

"Yes, sir."

"That was seven years ago, Dr. Ignatius. I have spent that time training myself in mind and body, in the mountains of Borneo. And I asked you, my team of secret scientists, to conduct certain... research projects."

"Yes, sir. A hook capable of scaling walls, a pair of glasses that could see through everything, a rocket car, and a costume designed to evoke a strong primal fear."

"Right, right! The costume is essential! Even though my combat abilities are honed to perfection, I may have to fight entire armies of criminals, and the power to instill fear might give me a crucial edge. What did you come up with?"

"It's right here, sir."

"In this box?"

"No. This is your costume."

"It's... a wooden box."

"No, not a box, a podium. See how the top is slanted at a 30-degree angle? Our research indicates that the strongest and most common fear is of public speaking. A podium will evoke the..."

"Public speaking?"

"Yes, it surprised us, too. People fear public speaking more than death itself. This podium costume is one of the scariest images known to man. Try it on."

"I don't want to."

"See, even you're scared of it."

"How about my building-scaling hook?"

"Ah, there we ran into a bit of luck. It turns out that has already been invented. It's called a grappling hook, and we got it for $52.95 plus shipping."

"Hmmm. I was hoping for something more, scary, or something."

"We're just following the instructions you gave us. You didn't mention how it had to look."

"But I mentioned I needed to carry it on my person. This hook is huge!"

"Not to worry. We designed the podium costume with many roomy drawers. See, the hook fits right here."

"Drawers."

"Yes, I added that myself."

"Great."

"Thank you, sir. And we also invented these..."

"Ooooh, is that the pair of glasses that sees through everything?"

"Yes, sir. The lenses actually see through all matter."

"They are really cool-looking, too! Great job! Do I look like that guy in The Matrix with these?"

"I couldn't say, sir."

"How do I, uh, turn it on?"

"Turn it on? But it is on."

"No, all I see is black. Can't see a thing through them."

"Ha, ha. Forgive my laughter, sir. That may be what it seems like to you, but in fact you are seeing the void of space through them. You are seeing through all matter -- the walls, the hills, the clouds, the moon, the planets, the stars and galaxies -- everything, just as you instructed. In any direction you look, you are seeing the dark, empty universe beyond all that is."

"Um."

"Amazing, isn't it? It's almost too bad that we are your team of secret scientists, or else we could apply for a Nobel with these."

"But how will I use this to fight crime?"

"I'm sure I don't know, sir. We just followed your instructions."

"I could have just got some Foster Grants and painted the lenses black."

"The effect would be the same, yes, but..."

"Can you, like, turn it down, so I am only seeing through a little bit of everything?"

"Well, I don't know. With more research, perhaps..."

"Okay, okay. How is the rocket car coming?"

"Not as well, I'm afraid. To develop that project, we would need some additional funding. I have a proposal typed up..."

"What! I gave you a $390 million budget! The entire fortune my murdered parents left me! It's all gone?"

"The glasses do represent a tremendous advance in applied quantum physics. That kind of research doesn't come cheap."

"I had no idea..."

"Sir, are you all right?"

"I've got to think, dammit!"

"Would you care for a cup of coffee? I'll just..."

"Listen, Dr. Ignatius, could you imitate a low-class Brooklyn accent?"

"Yes, I think so. What do you have in mind?"

[SCENE: First National Bank.]

"Gimme all da money, and nobody gets hurt. I'm holding up dis bank, see? Dat's right, put it all in dis bag."

"Not so fast, criminal!"

"Eek! A... blind podium with a hook! My fear of public speaking renders me immobile."

"That is correct, miscreant! And now I shall escort you to police headquarters. We'll cut through the park, it's quicker."

[SCENE: The cave again.]

"Okay, how much did we get?"

"From this last bank, or total?"

"From all twelve."

"Approximately $16.5 million, sir."

"Is that enough for a rocket car?"

"Perhaps. And then will you start fighting crime, sir?"

"That's the plan, Dr. Ignatius. That's the plan."
no comments yet
guest author: V the K in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Lewis in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: bigel in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Typical White Person in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
search & handy links
threads you've been on
linkopotamia
hot threads today
by our guest authors
hippocampus
day-by-day archives
category archives
link lists
colophon
 
recent comments:
zorkmidden
[ #2 ]/ Thousand Sons: I loved that book!
Thousand Sons
I've wanted to see Sana'a ever since I read 'Motoring with Mohammed' years ago.
franco cbi
The turban makes me think of [ _ The Streets Of Cairo _ ]/ (skip to 10:03-13).
evariste
' Sana’a is so strange and marvelous. If Yemen weren't in permanent crisis, the city would be awash in
evariste
' Routté's experiment began after he traveled to Mobile, Ala., in 1943 for a family engagement. He wasn't happy
Alisha
Hello I m pragnet to 12weeks and I want this obortion plz help me what I do . How's medicine
zorkmidden
[ #12 ]/ packen: LMAO.
zorkmidden
[ #58 ]/ packen Quick update: Nine pounds lost after two weeks--not too shabby. Can see
packen
[ #10 ]/ franco cbi: No need to bother, they are all saying how happy they are to hear
packen
[ #59 ]/ franco cbi but I'm under 180 lbs So am I! For the first
franco cbi
Chrome is asking me if I want to translate this page.
franco cbi
No additional weight lost here, but I'm under 180 lbs. for the longest time in three years. Two days short
packen
Quick update: Nine pounds lost after two weeks--not too shabby. Can see parts of body while standing or sitting which
zorkmidden
Meat is another thing that I had to learn to eat more of because I've never been a big meat
zorkmidden
[ #55 ]/ packen So for the last week is 5.5 lbs, 5 of which during the
packen
[ #3 ]/ franco cbi And they all lived happily ever after. Apparently, living well is not
packen
[ #53 ]/ zorkmidden: Thanks for the recipe. I stocked up on tuna, but haven't tried it yet. Now
franco cbi
If you clutch those pearls any tighter, your necklace is going to break.
n8w8
To the contrary, what we see with soccer is the usual delinquent behavior in which the tattooed underclass excels: cheating,
hydrant
they fake injuries in hopes the ref will issue a yellow or red card to the opposing players. soccer players
 
the hyperlinkopotamus:
zorkmidden left a comment at 6:35 pm 07/22
Thousand Sons and evariste have also commented
franco cbi left a comment at 10:15 am 07/21
evariste is also here
zorkmidden left a comment at 8:33 pm 07/16
packen and franco cbi have also commented
 
 
Bloggies Of Our Lives
Season One
Season Two
Season Three
Special Guest Episodes
 
Ferkakta
Ferkakta Timeshare Presentation
Postcard from Ferkakta
Ferkakta Is Open For Business
Lord of the Banned: An Epic Trilogy In Three Parts

Ferkakta Games
Codename:Ferkakta Hill
Ferkakta By Night
Shipwrecked
House
 
vital signs
Circulation
last 15 minutes:34
last hour:77
last 24 hours:766
Comments
since midnight:0
last 24 hours:2
in our lifetime:5586