discarded lies: thursday, september 18, 2014 6:39 am zst
Nu?
daily archive: 05/11/2008
guest author: RIP Ford in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Scherzo in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Dances With Typos in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: airforcewife in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: franco cbi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Dances With Typos in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: סטרמי Stormi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: franco cbi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Sean Gleeson in Discarded Lies:
The Podium Chronicles
Chapter 1: Birth of a Hero

[SCENE: A dark cave, with computers and blinking lights.]

"Seven years ago, I watched my parents die at the hands of a violent criminal."

"Yes sir, we know. That's the day you swore to dedicate your life, and your vast fortune, to fighting crime, right?"

"I've told you this story before then, have I?"

"Yes, sir."

"That was seven years ago, Dr. Ignatius. I have spent that time training myself in mind and body, in the mountains of Borneo. And I asked you, my team of secret scientists, to conduct certain... research projects."

"Yes, sir. A hook capable of scaling walls, a pair of glasses that could see through everything, a rocket car, and a costume designed to evoke a strong primal fear."

"Right, right! The costume is essential! Even though my combat abilities are honed to perfection, I may have to fight entire armies of criminals, and the power to instill fear might give me a crucial edge. What did you come up with?"

"It's right here, sir."

"In this box?"

"No. This is your costume."

"It's... a wooden box."

"No, not a box, a podium. See how the top is slanted at a 30-degree angle? Our research indicates that the strongest and most common fear is of public speaking. A podium will evoke the..."

"Public speaking?"

"Yes, it surprised us, too. People fear public speaking more than death itself. This podium costume is one of the scariest images known to man. Try it on."

"I don't want to."

"See, even you're scared of it."

"How about my building-scaling hook?"

"Ah, there we ran into a bit of luck. It turns out that has already been invented. It's called a grappling hook, and we got it for $52.95 plus shipping."

"Hmmm. I was hoping for something more, scary, or something."

"We're just following the instructions you gave us. You didn't mention how it had to look."

"But I mentioned I needed to carry it on my person. This hook is huge!"

"Not to worry. We designed the podium costume with many roomy drawers. See, the hook fits right here."

"Drawers."

"Yes, I added that myself."

"Great."

"Thank you, sir. And we also invented these..."

"Ooooh, is that the pair of glasses that sees through everything?"

"Yes, sir. The lenses actually see through all matter."

"They are really cool-looking, too! Great job! Do I look like that guy in The Matrix with these?"

"I couldn't say, sir."

"How do I, uh, turn it on?"

"Turn it on? But it is on."

"No, all I see is black. Can't see a thing through them."

"Ha, ha. Forgive my laughter, sir. That may be what it seems like to you, but in fact you are seeing the void of space through them. You are seeing through all matter -- the walls, the hills, the clouds, the moon, the planets, the stars and galaxies -- everything, just as you instructed. In any direction you look, you are seeing the dark, empty universe beyond all that is."

"Um."

"Amazing, isn't it? It's almost too bad that we are your team of secret scientists, or else we could apply for a Nobel with these."

"But how will I use this to fight crime?"

"I'm sure I don't know, sir. We just followed your instructions."

"I could have just got some Foster Grants and painted the lenses black."

"The effect would be the same, yes, but..."

"Can you, like, turn it down, so I am only seeing through a little bit of everything?"

"Well, I don't know. With more research, perhaps..."

"Okay, okay. How is the rocket car coming?"

"Not as well, I'm afraid. To develop that project, we would need some additional funding. I have a proposal typed up..."

"What! I gave you a $390 million budget! The entire fortune my murdered parents left me! It's all gone?"

"The glasses do represent a tremendous advance in applied quantum physics. That kind of research doesn't come cheap."

"I had no idea..."

"Sir, are you all right?"

"I've got to think, dammit!"

"Would you care for a cup of coffee? I'll just..."

"Listen, Dr. Ignatius, could you imitate a low-class Brooklyn accent?"

"Yes, I think so. What do you have in mind?"

[SCENE: First National Bank.]

"Gimme all da money, and nobody gets hurt. I'm holding up dis bank, see? Dat's right, put it all in dis bag."

"Not so fast, criminal!"

"Eek! A... blind podium with a hook! My fear of public speaking renders me immobile."

"That is correct, miscreant! And now I shall escort you to police headquarters. We'll cut through the park, it's quicker."

[SCENE: The cave again.]

"Okay, how much did we get?"

"From this last bank, or total?"

"From all twelve."

"Approximately $16.5 million, sir."

"Is that enough for a rocket car?"

"Perhaps. And then will you start fighting crime, sir?"

"That's the plan, Dr. Ignatius. That's the plan."
no comments yet
guest author: V the K in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Lewis in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: bigel in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Typical White Person in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
search & handy links
threads you've been on
linkopotamia
hot threads today
by our guest authors
hippocampus
day-by-day archives
category archives
link lists
colophon
 
recent comments:
evariste @ large
[ Related: how gangs took over prisons ]/
Jaujau
Such a precious gift, this headline.
Jaujau
50 shades of dumb. I'm celebrating the death of the television in my house. No cable, no antenna. No worries!
Jaujau
I read somewhere that there are about ten surnames in Korea.
packen
Boom!
kianb
You're welcome. Glad you liked it!
evariste @ large
Awesome scene.
evariste
[ Apple creates a tool to let you remove the free U2 album from your acocount if you're that
evariste
Apple has legendary bad taste in music.
zorkmidden
[ #1 ]/ evariste: And for the middle-aged among us is "why the fuck pick U2?"
zorkmidden
[ #8 ]/ packen: Add flu to the list. I'm on the fourth miserable day of it.
evariste
[ The best-of is the best of. ]/
evariste
The burning question on the minds of today's youth.
franco cbi
' 7-Up was originally called Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda and contained lithium citrate right up until 1950. In fact,
RIP Ford
[ #8 ]/ packen: LOL
evariste
Bonus: [ how South Korean pop is conquering the world ]/
evariste
LMAO!
evariste
I do, sporadically—as lithium orotate, which is supposed to be effective in doses too tiny to be toxic.
packen
[ #3 ]/ zorkmidden: Between Thessaloniki, Ebola and Ferkakta coffee mug I think of zorkie almost every day!
RIP Ford
I posted something on fay & matt's facebook last night and got to wondering how y'all were doing.
 
the hyperlinkopotamus:
evariste @ large left a comment at 9:09 pm 09/17
Jaujau left a comment at 6:53 pm 09/16
packen left a comment at 6:07 am 09/16
evariste @ large is also here
evariste left a comment at 11:21 am 09/15
zorkmidden is also here
Jaujau left a comment at 7:42 am 09/16
evariste is also here
franco cbi left a comment at 6:40 pm 09/14
evariste is also here
 
 
Bloggies Of Our Lives
Season One
Season Two
Season Three
Special Guest Episodes
 
Ferkakta
Ferkakta Timeshare Presentation
Postcard from Ferkakta
Ferkakta Is Open For Business
Lord of the Banned: An Epic Trilogy In Three Parts

Ferkakta Games
Codename:Ferkakta Hill
Ferkakta By Night
Shipwrecked
House
 
vital signs
Circulation
last 15 minutes:34
last hour:82
last 24 hours:714
Comments
since midnight:0
last 24 hours:1
in our lifetime:5940