discarded lies: saturday, december 20, 2014 4:54 am zst
a little down in the mouth
daily archive: 04/28/2008
guest author: Memphis Bill in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
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guest author: Lady of Shalott in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
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guest author: סטרמי Stormi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
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guest author: Jay D. in Discarded Lies:
How I Became a Zionist
Hi. My name is Jay D. and I'm a Zionist. I thought I'll make that clear right off the bat so you wont have to ask me a million times. There. That said I have to warn you: if you're a regular American and your reading this for the first time, too late for you, buddy, you too are a Zionist and I'll tell you why.

First off, I'm a tough guy, I work in private security and I drink warm beer-enough said, you get my drift. One fine spring evening I was screwing around before my shift, just finished polishing my gun and buckle for like the tenth time and figured I'll go see what's going on in the world-if your in my profession you gotta keep up with the times. So I see this article about some dude hitting a girl in a wheelchair and I go to my favorite forum madison.com to see what my homies have to say 'bout that. Nothing. They still chewing on the breaking news item "Israel is spying on us". Man, those guys got their hand on the pulse, I'm tellin' ya. I used to hang out at Stormfront and VNN, but them dudes are pussies compared to "progressives" at madison.com. So I figure I'll google for wheelchair. And that's how it all started.

I stumbled on this weird looking blog called Discarted Lies. Never seen anything like it-no ads, no fancy stuff, just lots of typing. Hell, I can type with the best of them-I type like I talk, lots. Right off I zero on some floranista chick bellyaching about hatred, so I tell her politely to use her brains. Then I go to the fridge, pull a beer and let it sit under hot water for awhile. By the time I come back they are on me like flies on shit. All except that cba-whatever-the-fuck chick who decides to defend me, which is like the ultimate insult. I don't need no fat-assed Brit housewife who can't even spell her name in English defending me, I'm a security guard, remember?

So I'm pretty much holding my ground and gaining when this RWC dude comes out sly-like and asks me what is my opinion on the truth behind 9/11. And here I am, ready to like him, you know, he's right wing and into conspiracy, and kinda funny, but suddenly I smell a rat. When your in my profession you learn to recognize every rat by it's smell. Right off I think: I bet he's hiding a megaphone behind his back. Dammit, I knew it, I finally got a live one. Wait till I tell my buddies, they won't believe this. Man, it's happening... I take a swig of my warm beer, tuck my shiny gun behind the belt and carefully, nonchillantly-like drop a bomb: are you a Zionist, perchance?

That's when shit really hit the fan. Now, I seen crime, I fought crime, I done crime (heh, what I'm sayin', scratch that), but I ain't seen anything like it. I knew I was onto something when that mean dude evariste attacked me with that "there/their" shit. That's there number one tactic, you see. When you corner them like that they pull their red pencils on you, smart asses. And not just evariste, that chick with a cool name got real pissy as well. Oh, another thing before I forget! If you think only Jews can be Zionists, think again! Be very careful! They come in all shapes and seem to be pretty cozy with each other and kinda divided that grammar thing among them: the Hebrew God loves apostrophe's and punctuation and Jesus loves paragraphs, or so they tell you.

Anyways, they just started crawling out of every corner, like cockroaches. Israel has the right to exist, Israel is a democracy, Israel is surrounded by hostile nations, Israel turned desert into a garden, blah blah blah and all that crap. But alone I persisted, I stayed on course. But are you Zionists, I kept hammering in. Admit it! I knew that sooner or later they will crack under pressure. Oh, they tried everything to avoid the answer, even the oldest tanakh trick-answering a question with a question. I have to give them credit though, they put up quite a resistance. But hey, they underestimated me, lol. When you can get a kid to confess to stealing chewing gum, outing Zionists is a piece of cake. But even after they finally admitted it they kept yelling "Admitted what?!" lol.

Well, if I had any doubts left after 300+ comments I got my confirmation:

joem #302

How wass your chag? I saw the one post about your trip to Yerushalayim, but I haven't been here much, myself. How's your FIL doing? Should I still be making mi sheberachs for him?


Yerushalayim? What's Yerushalayim? Is it their secret meeting place? Sorta like Camp David? BTW, did you ever ask yourself "why David? Why not John, or Paul, or Christopher?" Heh. That's for me to know and you to find out. Oh, and also notice that it's OK for them to misspell words as long as they follow it with a lame excuse like:

This thread is jinxed for typos.

Frieds and friends.


Anyways, I beat the hell out of their, patted myself on the shoulder for escaping unscathed and pretty much forgot all about it for a couple of days until weird shit started happening. I logged onto my favorite forum madison.com and got a message "Access denied. Please wait while you are being redirected." Guess where I got redirected-yep, Discorded Lies. I rebooted, cleared my Internet history, nothing. I even got on mom's computer-same shit. A week later I was fired. A month later I got an eviction notice. And then Fluffy disappeared.

I called the cops, but they pretty much blew me off. Zionists stole your cat... yeah... right... I ranted, I raved. My mom tried to have me committed. The shrink they assigned to me, Dr. Rosenblatt, gave me a bunch of picture tests called... I don't recall, some Jew name. They all looked like a star with six points if you looked real close. He said I was all right, all I had to do was "comply", "go with the flow" and winked. A friend of mine with connections got me an appointment with some CIA dudes. They listened to my story, didn't say nothing and told me to go home. As I was leaving, I overheard one of them telling the other: "Call Shlomo". I knew then that I was done in. Can't fight them, join them. So I did.

It's all water under the bridge now. I'm doing much better. They are really not such a bad lot, those Zionists. RWC took me under his wing. I speak pretty passable Hebrew now thanks to annie and I got that paragraph fetish of theirs pretty well by now as you see but am still working on apostrophe's and punctuation. Evariste and the cool chick are still pouting at me cuz I don't always get it right, but all in good time, as they say. I am also learning Greek alphabet so I can write coded messages. They write them in Hebrew using Greek letters, you see. Dang, scratch that too, I can get in trouble for that, lol. I got Fluffy back. She was kept by Stormi who is there feline hostage operative. She took pretty good care of her. I get along with all the cool kids-floranista lets me putter in her garden, Aridog and packen let me pet their dogs once in a while and Jefe is teaching me how to fiddle.

I still don't know what a Zionist is, but I know it ain't that bad, pays the bills and they let me to keep my gun. If you are interested, gimme a holler, I'll get you in. If I'm not around (which means I'm on a covert mission), you can contact the Greek chick, but don't forget to tell her I sent you, or I won't get my commish. My e-mail: jayD@zionest.net.

Yours in Zion,

Jay D.

Shalom out.

P.S. Oh, one more thing. I don't drink Bud anymore. I drink Maccabee now. Cold.
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