discarded lies: saturday, august 2, 2014 1:36 am zst
Now Panic and Freak Out
daily archive: 04/22/2008
guest author: Quietusleo in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: zorkmidden in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: solus rex in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Sean Gleeson in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: franco cbi in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: zorkmidden in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Cowboy Wally in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Right Wing Conspirator in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Arcy in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: solus rex in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Quietusleo in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: airforcewife in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBCheatin' in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Sean Gleeson in Discarded Lies:
Eight Reasons Why The Earth Kicks Ass
Today is Earth Day, a solemn day to reflect on the reasons why our planet really blows away all the others. This is a good thing, because we Earthites tend to focus on the negatives, and to envy all those things other planets have that we don't, things like pretty rings, and 94-day weekends, and lakes of methane. Yeah, we might not be the biggest planet, or the "hottest," or the cleanest. But before you pack your bags and buy that one-way ticket to Uranus, here are eight reasons why the Third Rock is the rockingest.

1. Apples. Is there anything as delicious as an apple? Sweet, tart, wet, crunchy, soft... but if you are ever on another planet, don't bother looking for one. All of them are on Earth! No other planet has Apple iPhones, either, which are also very good. And by the way, does Apple make any products whose name begins with an uppercase letter anymore? How long before they change the name of their company to "aPple"?

2. Roller Coasters. The "Kingda Ka," at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ, is the fastest roller coaster on Earth. And that pretty much makes it the fastest one in the whole universe! Do you know why? I'll give you a hint: It's because other planets don't have roller coasters, that's why. And furthermore, if you tried to put the Kingda Ka on, say, Mars, it wouldn't even work, because the gravity is all screwed up there.

3. Stephanie Seymour. You might not know who Stephanie Seymour is, which would be a shame because she is number 91 on the FHM 100 Sexiest Women of 2000 (between Jeri Ryan and Monica Lewinski, if you can imagine). Do a Google image search for "Stephanie Seymour." And then tell me you aren't happy to live on the same planet as Stephanie Seymour (i.e., Earth). You can't, right?

4. Coffee. Fact: Starbucks only sells Earth coffee. Fact: If there were any coffee grown on other planets, it would be sold at Starbucks. Conclusion: There is no coffee on other planets. I don't know about you, but that right there is a deal-breaker for me. No coffee? No thanks!

5. News. Whether you're a "news junkie" or a "news, um, nonjunkie," you get much more and better news on Earth than you would on any other planet. Could you imagine a newspaper on Mercury? They could print one issue per year, with one page, to cover all the news that happens there. And even then, it would just be a boring story, like "Still 800 Degrees, Airless." And maybe a Maureen Dowd column.

6. Rope. Sure, it's true, the Golden Age of Rope is well behind us, and you probably don't interact with rope nearly as much as your grandfather did. But when you do need rope, nothing else will do. Try pitching a tent without it, or docking a boat. Without rope, you are in major trouble, just like the poor bastards on all the other planets, which don't have rope. Losers.

7. Licorice. I do not like licorice. Don't know why it's on this list.

8. The United States Army. Some people, mostly crazy people, worry about interplanetary warfare, but there is really no need. We have found no evidence that any other planets even have an army. That could mean that there are no other planets with armies. Or that there are, but they're too scared to show themselves. Either way, that means our Mean Green Machine is the undisputed ass-kickingest fighting force for thousands of light-years in any dimension. I do realize there are other branches of the service, and I mean no discredit to them, but the Army is the only branch that is suited to fight on other planets. The Air Force couldn't (because there is no air on other planets); the Navy couldn't (no oceans), and the Marines couldn't (no board books). So that leaves the Army. Hooah.
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: solus rex in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: bigel in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: airforcewife in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: levi from queens in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: levi from queens in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: solus rex in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: joem in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: levi from queens in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: papijoe in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: papijoe in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: evariste in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: V the K in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: Frank IBC in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
guest author: V the K in Discarded Lies - Hyperlinkopotamus:
no comments yet
search & handy links
threads you've been on
linkopotamia
hot threads today
by our guest authors
hippocampus
day-by-day archives
category archives
link lists
colophon
 
recent comments:
franco cbi
His name sounds vaguely obscene.
zorkmidden
[img]
evariste @ large
He did a voice acting gig for this video game "Destiny" and it is very hilarious how few fucks he
franco cbi
[img]
franco cbi
Dang. I thought for sure this was going to be by Borowitz or the Daily Currant.
zorkmidden
Homophones: Turning Straight People Gay for Over A Hundred Years.
zorkmidden
' After publishing a blog post about homophones, Torkildson was fired by his boss, Nomen owner Clarke Woodger, in
evariste @ large
' The images and metaphors keep doing headstands. To “bail out” is to slop water over the side of
packen
[ #6 ]/ zorkmidden: Especially with an umlaut--Fürpig. Gives it more umph.
zorkmidden
[ #4 ]/ franco cbi ' Given that he's named after a Truffle, "pig" is
zorkmidden
[ #3 ]/ packen: That's fantastic! I'm so glad!
zorkmidden
[ #1 ]/ packen: Me too. And I miss it so, I hate being forced to drive to get
packen
[ #3 ]/ franco cbi: LOL, too me a moment.
franco cbi
William Howard Kuntsler, a critic of modern cities who has written several articles for _ The Atlantic _ , notes
franco cbi
[img] Sneaky spammer!
franco cbi
In Washington DC the only areas that come close to this ideal are Georgetown and Old Town Alexandria, and even
franco cbi
Given that he's named after a Truffle, "pig" is appropriate. :) Congratulations on your loss of weight, Packen!
packen
zorkie, thank you so much for inspiring me. I can now fit into clothes I haven't worn in years and
packen
Great article. I can so relate to it growing up in a traditional city.
packen
I have two Deutsche Pelzig Faul Schweinhundinnen.
 
the hyperlinkopotamus:
franco cbi left a comment at 9:31 pm 08/01
zorkmidden and evariste @ large have also commented
franco cbi left a comment at 5:11 pm 07/31
zorkmidden is also here
evariste @ large left a comment at 10:21 pm 07/28
zorkmidden left a comment at 1:45 pm 07/28
packen and franco cbi have also commented
packen left a comment at 3:35 pm 07/28
zorkmidden and franco cbi have also commented
zorkmidden left a comment at 6:35 pm 07/22
Thousand Sons and evariste have also commented
 
 
Bloggies Of Our Lives
Season One
Season Two
Season Three
Special Guest Episodes
 
Ferkakta
Ferkakta Timeshare Presentation
Postcard from Ferkakta
Ferkakta Is Open For Business
Lord of the Banned: An Epic Trilogy In Three Parts

Ferkakta Games
Codename:Ferkakta Hill
Ferkakta By Night
Shipwrecked
House
 
vital signs
Circulation
last 15 minutes:40
last hour:71
last 24 hours:685
Comments
since midnight:0
last 24 hours:3
in our lifetime:5609