discarded lies: tuesday, april 21, 2015 2:42 pm zst
a little down in the mouth
daily archive: 04/22/2008
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Eight Reasons Why The Earth Kicks Ass
Today is Earth Day, a solemn day to reflect on the reasons why our planet really blows away all the others. This is a good thing, because we Earthites tend to focus on the negatives, and to envy all those things other planets have that we don't, things like pretty rings, and 94-day weekends, and lakes of methane. Yeah, we might not be the biggest planet, or the "hottest," or the cleanest. But before you pack your bags and buy that one-way ticket to Uranus, here are eight reasons why the Third Rock is the rockingest.

1. Apples. Is there anything as delicious as an apple? Sweet, tart, wet, crunchy, soft... but if you are ever on another planet, don't bother looking for one. All of them are on Earth! No other planet has Apple iPhones, either, which are also very good. And by the way, does Apple make any products whose name begins with an uppercase letter anymore? How long before they change the name of their company to "aPple"?

2. Roller Coasters. The "Kingda Ka," at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, NJ, is the fastest roller coaster on Earth. And that pretty much makes it the fastest one in the whole universe! Do you know why? I'll give you a hint: It's because other planets don't have roller coasters, that's why. And furthermore, if you tried to put the Kingda Ka on, say, Mars, it wouldn't even work, because the gravity is all screwed up there.

3. Stephanie Seymour. You might not know who Stephanie Seymour is, which would be a shame because she is number 91 on the FHM 100 Sexiest Women of 2000 (between Jeri Ryan and Monica Lewinski, if you can imagine). Do a Google image search for "Stephanie Seymour." And then tell me you aren't happy to live on the same planet as Stephanie Seymour (i.e., Earth). You can't, right?

4. Coffee. Fact: Starbucks only sells Earth coffee. Fact: If there were any coffee grown on other planets, it would be sold at Starbucks. Conclusion: There is no coffee on other planets. I don't know about you, but that right there is a deal-breaker for me. No coffee? No thanks!

5. News. Whether you're a "news junkie" or a "news, um, nonjunkie," you get much more and better news on Earth than you would on any other planet. Could you imagine a newspaper on Mercury? They could print one issue per year, with one page, to cover all the news that happens there. And even then, it would just be a boring story, like "Still 800 Degrees, Airless." And maybe a Maureen Dowd column.

6. Rope. Sure, it's true, the Golden Age of Rope is well behind us, and you probably don't interact with rope nearly as much as your grandfather did. But when you do need rope, nothing else will do. Try pitching a tent without it, or docking a boat. Without rope, you are in major trouble, just like the poor bastards on all the other planets, which don't have rope. Losers.

7. Licorice. I do not like licorice. Don't know why it's on this list.

8. The United States Army. Some people, mostly crazy people, worry about interplanetary warfare, but there is really no need. We have found no evidence that any other planets even have an army. That could mean that there are no other planets with armies. Or that there are, but they're too scared to show themselves. Either way, that means our Mean Green Machine is the undisputed ass-kickingest fighting force for thousands of light-years in any dimension. I do realize there are other branches of the service, and I mean no discredit to them, but the Army is the only branch that is suited to fight on other planets. The Air Force couldn't (because there is no air on other planets); the Navy couldn't (no oceans), and the Marines couldn't (no board books). So that leaves the Army. Hooah.
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