The following is a transcription of some schtuff that I wrote down last night whilst under the influence of maryjane -- not courtesy of the telepathic pot plants
, but courtesy of one of my paid massage clients. (Oh, yeah -- I forgot to mention that I have had sex with men for money. I don't feel a bit like a whore, though, because I've only done it three times so far, on an experimental basis, with guys I'm attracted to physically. I'd feel like a whore if Brad Pitt paid me to have sex with him, though, because he is so far from my type. Also, I only have certain kinds of sex, as regular readers well know.)
In this land founded by Puritans, as the left likes to remind us, it is horrifyingly ironic that I, a sexual pervert in the eyes of Bush's
Republican Taliban Republicaliban Gender-Norm Police
, can casually mention on a right-of-center website that I wish they'd invent dick-flavored Pringles®, but Evariste is essentially deep in the closet about his apostasy from Islam.
Mind you, not only do I joke about how cool it would be if there were potato chips that tasted like cock, and similar light banter, but when I'm hanging out on "conservative" websites like Little Green Footballs and Discarded Lies, I write under my own name (plus two letters!), and occasionally link to a weblog
where visitors can read loving, lurid descriptions of my latest masturbation and celebration of my animalistic lust as a man who lives to behold other men's hairy, naked bodies. Incidentally, I have also sold videotapes of myself waxing the kielbasa, for the viewing pleasure of other men. I haven't advertised my homemade erotica on LGF or DL, but by going to the link above, a reader from LGF or DL could find the ordering information for the tapes as well as links to free online video clips!
At this point, you're possibly thinking "Ew, what a perv!" or maybe you're frantically IMing
your special online buddy:
whassup, HID? HornyHoneyInTX:
This blogger guy Throbert on the Root Cellar has totally been reading my secret sex diaries! I like watching hairy naked men make out too!7inchWoody:
WTF?! you told me you were a str8 chick!HornyHoneyInTX:
LOL! i am a str8 chick, lots of us get into male/male fantasies. 7inchWoody:
duh, haven't you ever heard of slash fiction
Anyway, the point is that when I say I'm out of the closet about my sexuality, I am REALLY out. I'm willing to be more out than Jeff Gannon was, for example. While it was mean of the leftist blogosphere to go after him, Gannon behaved like a cringing sissy when the subject of his "escort" ads came up. He was all like, "Oh, I've made some mistakes in my past, but that's private stuff that I'm not going to talk about."
Dude, how the heck can you call yourself a Republican if you ain't got the balls to defend your right to be a FUCKIN' ENTREPRENEUR? Because your escort service was the ultimate in entrepreneurship, make no mistake. So anyway...
Here I am being flagrantly "out" as a mischievous homosexual, writing under the world's least pseudonymous nom d'ecran
. I mean, "Robert McGee by day, Throbert McGee by night"? Pretty clever disguise, Batman!
Of course, the real reason that I don't disguise myself on the net is my colossal vanity. I'm fucking proud of my writing ability, which was developed by long and enthusiastic practice. If someone is touched by my writing -- and that can be "touched" in an intellectual or emotional way, or in a...
Swimsuit area! Say no to strangers!
...way -- I want my name to be associated with the touching.
But as I was saying, I can post about my homosexual adventures, on a right-of-center website like LGF, and to date I have not gotten one
piece of hate mail calling me a fag or whatever.
Let me repeat: NOT ONE SUCH EMAIL! The closest
thing I've gotten to hate mail is a few snide remarks from leftists, straight and gay, intimating that I'm a sell-out, an Uncle Tom, or a moron for giving my public support to the Bush administration. THAT'S the nearest thing to a cross-burning on my lawn that I've ever received in my long online career as an out homo with a ravenous appetite for men.
(And lest anyone accuse me of being a thin-skinned GOPer whining about "reverse discrimination," let me re-emphasize this point -- snide email put-downs are about as far from persecution as you can get. I have no martyr complex and do not see myself as a "victim" of anyone's worldview. I have been mugged twice in my life, while working as an ESL teacher in Moscow, making me a two-time crime victim. But my victimhood ends there.
So, there you have some background on me. Now let's contrast my situation with that of Evariste.
He is a U.S. citizen by birth, having been born to immigrant Jordanians. (As he is quick to point out, he is ethnically kin to the Palestinian Arabs in the disputed territory of Israel's West Bank, not to the Hashemite ruling class in Jordan.)
He was raised a believing Muslim and once held steadfastly to a very different worldview. He was sent to spend his later childhood and adolescence in Jordan's capital Amman, where he would acquire access to the English-language libraries at the U.S. Embassy and elsewhere.
After years of exposure to Western intellectual history, from Charles Darwin to that helmet-haired favorite of precocious teens, Ayn Rand -- he would eventually reject Islam entirely and come to indentify as an atheist.
As a consequence of that new identity, this American-born U.S. citizen has to be extremely careful about protecting his off-line identity. (I am one of the relatively few people to whom he has disclosed his legal name, a delightfully symbolic English one selected to replace the Arabic name of his birth, and representing a conscious divorce from much of his heritage.) Why is he so careful? Because he fears reprisals from the American Muslim community that has allegedly been under an Orwellian level of intrusive surveillance in Bush's America, at least if you believe The Nation
Now, digest that, folks. Here's me being the extremely out homosexual as the Bushitler administration attempts to turn America into a theofascist dystopia, and there's Evariste being genuinely afraid of reprisals from the Muslim immigrant community (at least, when they can manage to elude scrutiny and harassment from the Rethuglican law enforcement structure).
Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that Ev and I are walking, talking rebuttals to so much of what the Left has been saying for the past several years.
It also occurs to me, Ev, that we could potentially make money by selling our joint story to the right publications, if you can stand to become famous...
I have more ideas on this, but I just wanted to wet your whistle.