discarded lies: tuesday, september 19, 2017 2:46 pm zst
Blessed are the Bewildered
daily archive: 01/23/2008
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Daddy, tell me the DVD story again!
Once upon a time, in the small Mediterranean kingdom of Donkeythistlelandia, Big Fat Toad was General Secretary in the Ministry of Culture and Pretty Butterfly worked as a temp in his office. Pretty Butterfly's contract was soon to come to an end and she wanted a Permanent Position in the Ministry, one that would guarantee her the Luxury Cushion that all public employees receive once they get appointed to a state job: lots of money, lots of bribes, and minimum amount of work. But the Luxury Cushion is another fairy tale for another time.

Just a few days before Christmas, Big Fat Toad jumps from the 4th-floor balcony of his home. He survives the jump but thanks to his attempt none of the country's Good-n-Honest journalists were able to have a peaceful or joyous Christmas because they had this suicide attempt to cover and since they're all earnest and hard-working people, they put their holidays aside and set forth to discover the reasons for Big Fat Toad's jump. The same evening, Dragon Lady, who is BIG channel's top Good-n-Honest journalist, announces on the BIG news that Pretty Butterfly accompanied by her lawyer Ugly Slug had visited BIG channel a few weeks ago and wanted to show them a DVD. She met with Dragon Lady and Mister Manager, BIG channel's head of news and programming. Pretty Butterfly informed Dragon Lady and Mister Manager that she had sex with Big Fat Toad in order to secure a Permanent Position but it didn't pay off at the end and she didn't receive the Luxury Cushion. She offered them a DVD showing her having sex with Big Fat Toad but Dragon Lady and Mister Manager shook their heads disapprovingly and admonished Pretty Butterfly and Ugly Slug that they're not the kind of people who watch Toads and Butterflies having sex, and refused to see or take the DVD.

After Dragon Lady's announcement, the Just Justice Department became very interested in Pretty Butterfly and her DVD and called her in for questioning. Was she blackmailing Big Fat Toad and led him to a suicide attempt? Just Justice threw her in jail over Christmas while they thought about things and decided they would reconvene after the holidays and think about things some more.

Donkeythistlelandia applauded Dragon Lady and BIG channel for having journalistic standards and merry Donkeythistlelanders patted each other on the back happy that all was well in their pretty land where Big Fat Toads and Pretty Butterflies get their just rewards.

But they didn't live happily ever after. In fact the happiness didn't even last a fortnight, thanks to five million euros and a black trashbag.

It all started with A Few Innocent Questions from The Little People: "Did The Government know about the DVD and is that why Big Fat Toad jumped? Is Pretty Butterfly telling the truth that Big Fat Toad was corrupt and took bribes? If The Government knew about the DVD, who delivered it to them? Was it Pretty Butterfly? Or was it Someone Else?"

One of the Good-n-Honest journalists who were investigating this mysterious and serious DVD affair was Pissed Off. Pissed Off has two weekly talk shows on the Other channel and is co-proprietor, along with Good-n-Honest journalist Bumbling Drone, of the popular newspaper, "First Thought". Pissed Off and Bumbling Drone had been friends for a very long time, years and years and years, maybe even three. When they first opened "First Thought", they took a bath together to celebrate, and they ate grapes and drank champagne like people used to do back then. But all that changed when Pissed Off announced on his show that hours before Big Fat Toad jumped, Pissed Off had received several phone calls from Celebrities and Others, wondering if he was going to talk about "The Big Fat Toad Scandal" on his show that night. Pissed Off said he had no idea what they were talking about and had no plans to cover Big Fat Toad at all. And then, Pissed Off dropped the bombshell: he announced that he's leaving "First Thought" and that Bumbling Drone was the person who gave the Big Fat Toad and Pretty Butterfly DVD to The Government and Pissed Off considers Bumbling Drone responsible for Big Fat Toad's suicide attempt.

Donkeythistlelandia came to a pause. People stood still, taxis actually stopped, bread quit rising, and parachutists hung in mid-air. When the country came back to life, Everyone wondered, like you are right now: "Bumbling Drone?! But he's a Cee-Oh-Em-Em-Eye-Ee! Why would he help a right-wing government?!" The answer, bloggie mou, is simple: he had a black trashbag and he didn't know what to do with it. So he stuffed five million euros in it and deposited it in a French Bank.

But the French Bank was required to tell the Greek Bank that Bumbling Drone deposited an amount significantly larger than the 100,000 euros allowed to go un-noticed by the Greek Bank. And the Greek Bank lifted its eyebrow at Bumbling Drone and The Government started investigating his finances. So Pissed Off puts one and one together for The Little People: Bumbling Drone was being investigated for the five million euros and to shake off the investigation he offered the DVD to The Government. And worse than that, Pissed Off only just now found out about all this thanks to a Good Friend Who Is A Government Official who went to Pissed Off's house as a middleman to offer Pissed Off a deal: The Government would drop the investigation into Bumbling Drone's finances if Pissed Off would back off from The Big Fat Toad Scandal. "Wait, wait, wait!" said The Little People, "you mean Bumbling Drone had the DVD too? You mean Pretty Butterfly went to your newspaper with the DVD?" "Well, duh!" answered Pissed Off. "So how come and you didn't know about it?! And how come and Government Officials come and ask you for favours?!" asked The Little People. Pissed Off will get back to them later about that.

All this finally comes to the attention of the Just Justice Department who call in Bumbling Drone for questioning. Not about the five million euros, that's another fairytale, but whether he's the one who gave the DVD to The Government, especially since The Government has already confirmed that it was indeed Bumbling Drone who gave them the DVD. So then Bumbling Drone announces that he's not the only who has seen the DVD, Dragon Lady from the BIG channel has seen it too!

Oh, the horrors, the shock... "Dragon Lady?! But... But she said she didn't watch it! She's not that kind of person!" said The Little People.

"I have evidence!" says Bumbling Drone.

Enter Sidekick, another Good-n-Honest journalist and BIG channel's court jester, who has a very big mouth and a very small brain. The same day that Dragon Lady announced to her public that BIG channel is not "that kind of channel", Sidekick gave an interview to "Cappuccino", another newspaper, where he told his colleague that Dragon Lady saw the DVD and described the contents to everyone in the BIG channel, including him, and he gave a very graphic description of Big Fat Toad and Pretty Butterfly doing the you-know-what. Bumbling Drone took that interview to the Just Justice Department to prove Dragon Lady a liar. Sidekick immediately protested that he was joking, it was not an interview, Dragon Lady never let her eyes fall upon any sex scenes, the "Cappuccino" journalist made it all up. Sidekick dared "Cappuccino" to publish any evidence they had, because they didn't have any evidence, did they, and if they had any evidence that he said those things, he'd go back to his village in Crete to collect snails for a living, the filthy, dirty liars! So "Cappuccino" took his dare and published the audio of the interview, the whole damn thing, and it was pretty damn damning. No word yet on when Sidekick leaves for Crete.

Following Pissed Off's example, other Good-n-Honest journalists started dropping names and publishing bank account details and recorded interviews of private conversations with their colleagues. It turns out that Ugly Slug, Pretty Butterfly's lawyer, was Bumbling Drone's roommate in college. Ugly Slug is being investigated by Just Justice as well, it's said that he's the one who was doing the blackmailing, going to various tv channels and newspapers and offering the DVD for the sum of 150,000 euros. Pretty Butterfly is still in jail, poor Big Fat Toad is still in the ICU, and the Good Friend Who Is A Government Official and sets up dirty deals between The Government and the Good-n-Honest journalists, will most likely lose his position. One can hope.

And all this because, as Donkeythistlelandia's National Comedian said, "a fat man cheated on his wife."

Have you had enough for tonight?

Me too.




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