discarded lies: thursday, september 21, 2017 4:33 am zst
Touché with a touch of bitché
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guest author: Sean Gleeson
Language sure is funny
Language sure is funny. The other day, a woman asked me if I could call 911 because her house was "burning down." I had to smile, because of course, it was simultaneously "burning up!" And when I told her that "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing, she looked at me like I was crazy!

That stubby appendage on your right hand is called a "thumb," so shouldn't the one on your left hand be a "bmuht"? I think it should.

I watched a movie with police detectives. This one ballistics scientist was saying to the chief of police, "As you know, every firearm leaves a tell-tale pattern of impressions on the bullet, as individual as a fingerprint." Why didn't the chief say, "Dammit, Bob, stop telling me stuff I know!" (Probably because his name wasn't Bob.)

How come in every bar I go to, there's always a sign that says "dancers work for tips only"? And why do they smell like that?

Every year, there's a lot of hullabaloo over public displays of Christmas trees. It is hard to decide what to do, because both sides have valid points. On the one hand, Christmas trees are a traditional festive decoration without any specific religious meaning. On the other hand, they have been known to go on murderous rampages and eat little kids. So it's hard.

How come when you put money into a bank, it's called a "deposit," but when you take money from the bank, it's called "armed robbery"?

Men and women sure are different, especially when it comes to shoes! When a woman buys shoes, she tries on several pairs from the women's shoes selection, and then she buys one or more pairs to go with the clothes she intends to wear. A man will do the same thing, only with men's shoes.

Isn't it weird that there are 12 common English words ending in "-ticles," but only one ending in "-sticles"? I've always thought so.

My kids sure are terrific. Yesterday, I explained presidential elections to them, and asked them who they would pick to be president, if they could pick anyone in the world. Before they could answer, a bunch of other kids broke into my house and said Ron Paul. There were thousands of them.

But if you ever go to England and try to talk to anybody there, be warned! English girls have really skinny butts.
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