discarded lies: wednesday, march 1, 2017 7:50 pm zst
people in glass houses sink ships
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zorkmidden
B! Blogtainment!
Tonight on B! Blogtainment!

Voiceover: "Bloggies of our Lives"! The scandal, the horror, the breakup! Ladies and gentlemen, here's Lyana with all the details!

Lyana: Good evening! Could it be?! Is "Bloggies of Our Lives" over?! And whose fault is that?! Did everyone get fired?! And why?! And who demanded dog biscuits?! More to come after this commercial!

Voiceover: B! is brought to you by Citroën! It's not just a car anymore, it's a prom date! Back to you Lyana!

Lyana: Terrible tragedy on "Bloggies of our Lives", ladies and gentlemen! The whole cast has been fired! We're on Bloggie to find out what really happened! And here's Sine! Sine?! Is it true that you tried to throttle the show's chef and that's why you got fired?!

Sine: My lawyers are handling that matter. No more questions, please.

Lyana: packen! packen, why did you get fired?! Any truth to the rumour that you threatened to walk out unless dog biscuits were served with every meal?

packen: The director didn't like dogs, Lyana, he was a cat person. Some people just take the wrong path early on in life and then it's too late, you can't help them.

Lyana: What plans do you have next?

packen: I'll move in with my son for a few months, save on rent until I get another acting job.

Lyana: Good luck to you packen! evariste! Why did you get fired?!

evariste: Because some people have outdated ideas, Lyana! Like old versions of browsers! And you know something? Why should I have to change to please someone who insists on using old hairy ass IE in some shitty tiny resolution and expects me to act like it's ok! And I told them that! But because of my afro, nobo-

Lyana: Aha! bigel?! What about you?!

bigel: What do you expect, Lyana?! Bloggiehood is sold to the Euros and the Islamonazis! They all hate Jooooooos!

Lyana: I see! Frank?! What do you think?

Frank: No comment.

Lyana: Oh, here's Aisha! Aisha! Talk to us, tell us how you feel!

Aisha: Well, Lyana, is there any point in pretending that Bloggiehood is not biased against Muslim women?

Lyana: I guess not! Oh, look! Thousand Sons! Thousand Sons?! You got fired! How do you feel about that?!

Thousand Sons: I'm gonna be on Letterman tonight, you think I got time to worry about some shitty little soap? And I got my honey right here-

Sojourner: My hero!

Lyana: Ooh! A love affair!

Fred: *Ahem* Sojourner...

Sojourner: Fred! What are you doing here?!

Fred: I love you, boo...

Sojourner: Oh Fred...I love you too!

Lyana: A love triangle?! Ooh!

Thousand Sons: Fred?! WTF?! Man, I should have killed you, I fucking knew it! Come here you mothe-

Lyana: Portia! Portia! What are your plans?!

Portia: I'm going to Iraq to entertain our troops, Lyana! One soldier at a time! I should be back early next year unless we invade Iran, then I might have to extend my tour of duty. Hi boys! See you soon!

Lyana: Oh, a tour! How lovely! Oh look! It's Lewis! Hi Lewis! Tell us why you got fired!

Lewis: It's very difficult being a liberal on Bloggiehood these days, Lyana... This is worse than McCarthyism... I'm blacklisted you know...

Lyana: Aww, so sorry to hear that! Jefe! Yoo-hoo! Jefe! Over here! How do you feel about being fired?!

Jefe: Hi mom! Hi Julie! Hi Sasha! Hi everyone! Hi Lyana!

Lyana: Yes, hello, so how do you feel?!

Jefe: Not bad, I did some yoga this morning and that always brings me into focus, "down dog" - fantastic position! And then I had a banana with my oatmeal and signed autographs and talked with my manager and answered some email and then I thought about ordering Chinese food but I'm really conflicted about the MSG. So I looked at some scripts, there's this musical "Naughty Convent Girls" and I'm kinda curious about doing that project, but who knows? And because I'm single, well, you know, it's hard to commit sometimes, so I understand, really. Uh-what was the question again?

Lyana: Uh-huh! Look, there's zorkie! zorkie, why did you get fired?!

zorkie: Well, Lyana, I'm in talks with several producers about directing a project and that made some talentless people very insecure and jealous. But you know, acting is so boring and I just love to direct and-

Lyana: Oh look! RIP Ford! Hey, you got fired too?!

RIP Ford: It's really just a misundestanding, Lyana...see, I was only trying out my camera, I didn't know people were naked and stuff...

Lyana: militarybrat! Tell us how you feel?

militarybrat: I'll enjoy the time off Lyana! My four kids and my husband and I are taking a hot-air balloon trip around the world! It'll be wonderful to spend some family time together so I'm really looking forward to this! Hi kids!

Lyana: How lovely! A hot-air balloon! Okay! Have fun militarybrat! Hey! There's Thom! Thom! What does this mean for you?

Thom: That's up for discussion, certainly. My opinion is, and it's definitely mine alone, however, it is the right opinion, entrepreuners in the entertainment business do not put enough faith in their tax accountants. Capitalism is much to-

Lyana: Thank you Thom! papijoe?

papijoe: I'm not worried at all Lyana, I just bought a Greek diner chain, making me a fortune already.

Lyana: Aha! Oh! And here are Ali and Gustav! What do you two think about all this?

Gustav: America is a great country!

Ali: I have the lead in Michael Moore's next film "Osama: Flirting in the Desert", very exciting!

Lyana: Good luck to you two! Pete (Alois)! Aridog! You're fired too?!

Aridog: It's for the best, really.

Pete (Alois): Yeah, I don't mind so much either to tell you the truth - more time to play golf with my son.

Lyana: Michael! Are you upset about being fired?!

Michael: &*#$, are you &*#$%^@ kidding me?! I didn't even want this &*#$%^@ job! And lemme &*#$%^@ tell you this - mom, if you think you're &*#$%^@ moving in with me you are so out of your &*#$%^@ mind I can't even &*#$%^@ begin to tell you and dad - we'll play &*#$%^@ golf when &*#$%^@ hell freezes over! &*#$ this, I'm so &*#$%^@ outta here!

Lyana: Er - huh! Okay! Good! So! Oooh! Oooh! Over there! It's cba and her mother! cba! Are you okay with this?!

cba: Hi Lya-mummy!

cba's mother: My daughter has many bright prospects, off you go now! Come along, cba!

cba: Bye Lya- mummy! Don't pull so ha- ouch!

Lyana: Maine's Michael! Are you sad you're fired?!

Maine's Michael: Nah, easy come, easy go... I'll just open another Kabalah center!

Lyana: Ooh! I love Kabalah! Let me know when you do, I need a new red string! Oh hey look, it's jr! jr! Over here! jr, how do you feel about being fired?!

jr: I'm taking it up with the U.N. This is no way to conduct business, unilateral agreements have ne-

Lyana: Thank you, jr! Cam and Stormi! Hi you two! You've been fired! How has this affected you?!

Cam: Lyana!

Stormi: Lyana!

Cam: Lyana!

Stormi: Lyana!

Lyana: Eh-okay! zulubaby! What will you do now?!

zulubaby: Go shopping with lazytart, what else?!

lazytart: Talk to the hand, Lyana! Come on zulubaby, Nordstroms is that way.

HULUGU: Not so fast there girls-sorry lazytart chérie-you're on your own-zbabe you're coming with me-we're going shopping in Paris-

Lyana: Oooh! So the rumours are true! There's love in the air, ladies and gentlemen! Bon voyage you two! Oh, it's ploome! ploome?! What will you do now that "Bloggies of our Lives" is over?!

ploome: *spit*

Lyana: Thank you, ploome! Colt! Colt! What are your plans?!

Colt: Er... I'm enlisting in the IDF and I have my tills to tend to and -

Lyana: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! There's monkeyweather and WriterMom exiting the trailer! Ladies! Ladies! What are your plans?!

WriterMom: Shoot someone.

monkeyweather: Accidentally, of course.

Lyana: Of course! Throbert! Is it true that you plan to sue for emotional damages?

Throbert: Well, Lyana, it just isn't fair, is it? I was there from the begi-

Lyana: Excuse me Throbert - floranista! Do you have another project after this?

floranista: Two words Lyana - cellular wireless.

Lyana: Aha! Well, good luck to- Ah!!! Here's Charles! Charles?! Charles?! Charles, how do you feel about this whole situation?!

Charles: Upstarts. They don't know who they're messing with.

Lyana: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! "Bloggies of Our Lives" is over! Nothing left but broken hearts and shattered dreams! Just another day in Bloggiehood! Good night everybody!
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,766
Dear Viewers, It's time we celebrate Frank IBC! One of our most popular stars in "Bloggies of Our Lives," Frank had no comment when asked if he's sleeping with the producer. Frank is an activist in general and a man of few words. He's not sure yet if he'll be attending the Daytime Blog Awards and if he does, he doesn't plan on telling anyone.

To celebrate Frank's return on "Bloggies of Our Lives," this episode is dedicated to him, one of our most popular daytime stars. So enjoy some of your favourite Frank scenes and remember: they may be reruns but they're very very very very very funny!

Frank: Esmeralda...

Frank: Oh dear God...

Director: CUT!! Cut! That's it! Enough is enough! You're all fired! All of you! Out! Out! Out! OUT!! OUT!! Who do you think you are?! Stars?! You're a bunch of NO-GOOD, SECOND-RATE, no, make that FOURTH-RATE actors! And where's that bitch, she has the nerve to call me talentless?! My farts have more talent than her! Fake potted plants have more talent than her!! PARIS HILTON has more talent than her! OUT! OUT!! ALL OF YOU OUT! YOU'RE ALL FIRED! AND GOOD RIDDANCE!!
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,765
Dear Viewers, it's time to celebrate Sine, who is just as big a star as zorkie and evariste and just as popular as Jefe! One of our most popular stars on "Bloggies of Our Lives," Sine definitely did not sleep with the producer. Sine is nothing if not an activist and she has tons of hobbies and she's gonna write two Guest Author posts. And she knows how to kill and pluck a chicken. Sine will attend the Daytime Blog Awards with her girlfriend Cosine and plans to wear a tuxedo.

To celebrate Sine's return on "Bloggies of Our Lives," this episode is dedicated to her, one of our most popular daytime stars. So enjoy some of your favourite Sine scenes and remember: they may be reruns but they're very very very very funny!

Sine: ..--.--.-...--.-?

Sine: ..-.-..!

Sine: ...--..-..-..-.-.?

Sine: ...-.--.-..-.--?


[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. screenwriters - Let me guess: GLAAD called - director]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]

[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. director - Yep - screenwriters]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,764
Dear Viewers, Jefe is also a huge star in "Bloggies of Our Lives" and way more popular than zorkie or evariste. One of our most popular stars, he did not sleep with the producer either. Jefe would like to say hi to his mom and send a big bunch of hugs and kisses to his adoring public and he promises to write a Guest Author post for them very soon.

Jefe also has many hobbies and he's a big-time activist and he shared adjacent urinals with the Dalai Lama once. Jefe is wearing something comfortable to the Daytime Blog Awards and plans to escort the first woman who will ask him.

To celebrate Jefe's return on "Bloggies of Our Lives," this episode is dedicated to him, one of our most popular daytime stars. So enjoy some of your favourite Jefe scenes and remember: they may be reruns but they're very very very funny!

Jefe: Please.

Jefe: Please?

Jefe: Oh, come on, please?

Jefe: Please.

Jefe: Pretty please?

Jefe: *$@#*@$%&-PLEASE!!!!!

[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. screenwriters - Oh, gimme a fucking break!! - director]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]

[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. director - The IJC raised hell 'cause Jefe wasn't getting his "fair share of publicity" - oh, and you have to attend sensitivity training seminars - screenwriters]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,763
Dear Viewers, let us celebrate evariste, who is just as big a celebrity and just as hugely popular as zorkie. evariste also didn't sleep with the producer and he earned his starring role in "Bloggies of our Lives" just like zorkie did. And, because he's a man with an afro in this chauvinistic conglomeration known as Bloggiehood, it was hard! evariste is also an activist and he likes to plant geraniums and green stuff like that.

evariste would like to thank his adoring public for their love and support and he wants to send a special thanks to Louis Farrakhan, Al Sharpton, Reverend Jesse Jackson and the Southern Poverty Law Center for their help in advancing the arts. evariste will wear his holeyest jeans to the Daytime Blog Awards where he and other members of "Bloggiehood Equality for Men with Afros" plan on protesting after the show.

To celebrate evariste's return on "Bloggies of Our Lives," this episode is dedicated to him, one of our most popular daytime stars. So enjoy some of your favourite evariste scenes and remember: they may be reruns but they're very very funny!


evariste starts sobbing heavily

evariste blanches

evariste looks piercingly at the camera

evariste: sigh...

evariste sucks miserably on an anchovy


[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. screenwriters - you're fucking kidding me, right? - director]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]

[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. director - he called the NAACP and said he wasn't getting "equal treatment" - we're doing our best to avert a riot - screenwriters]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,762
Dear Viewers, we would like to apologise for last week's sloppy typing. We've fired the secretary, the executive secretary, the cameraman and the caterer. Contrary to rumours, zorkie is not sleeping with the producer, she's a brilliant upcoming star and won a starring role in "Bloggies of Our Lives" by auditioning, just like everybody else. It's not her fault producers like her. zorkie is a very happy person and the only thing that occasionally clouds her happiness is the pity she feels for talentless directors. zorkie is an activist and a very active member of Human Rights for Alligators, an organisation for the protection of various alligators. zorkie believes strongly in astrology and senses things as a hobby. She plans to wear a pink Galliano to the Daytime Blog Awards and will be going alone.

To celebrate zorkie's return on "Bloggies of Our Lives," this episode is dedicated to her, one of our most popular daytime stars. So enjoy some of your favourite zorkie scenes and remember: they may be reruns but they're very funny!

zorkie: Yes?

zorkie: Allo?

zorkie: Er...

zorkie: Uh...

zorkie: Well?

zorkie: ev...

[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. screenwriters - What the fuck?! - director]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]

[Invis-O-Text™: ON]
[att. director - You weren't around this weekend, were you? All hell broke loose. She walked out and refused to come back unless we did a promo "to set the record straight" - screenwriters]
[Invis-O-Text™: OFF]
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zorkmidden
B! Blogtainment
Tonight on B! Blogtainment!

Voiceover: All about the scandal that's rocking "Bloggies of our Lives"! The producer and the sex bunny! Ladies and gentlemen, here's Lyana with all the details!

Lyana: Good evening! Did she or didn't she?! And if she did, is she the only one who did?! And if she didn't?! Who else didn't?! Or did they all do?! More to come after this commercial!

Voiceover: Durian Douche - Because you never know when a doggie might sniff your crotch! Back to you, Lyana!

Lyana: Huge scandal on "Bloggies of our Lives", ladies and gentlemen! After persistent rumours that zorkie is sleeping with the producer, there's been additional rumours that she's walked out!

We have with us tonight "unknown actor", an insider on "Bloggies of Our Lives" who is very close to zorkie! He's here in disguise because he's received threatening comments!

Lyana: "unknown actor", is it true that zorkie got the part because she slept with the producer?!

"unknown actor": Yeah... She and Fay had a big fight about it...

Lyana: Fay had auditioned for this role as well?!

"unknown actor": Yeah, and she had it too...

Lyana: Ooh! And now we hear that zorkie walked off the set last night!

"unknown actor": Yeah, and like her sweater's gone and stuff...

Lyana: And there you have it ladies and gentlemen! The producer and the sex bunny! The hottest show on the free planet has been rocked to its foundation by this scandal that's threatening to destroy young people's lives and young stars' dreams!

Voiceover: And now let's hear what our audience thinks about all this!

Lyana: Ma'am, what do you think about the scandal that's rocking "Bloggies of Our Lives"?

packen: For shame!

Lyana: Ma'am, would you like to say something about this scandal?

floranista: *snort, snort*

Lyana: What about you ma'am, do you have any advice to give to the producer and the sex bunny?

cba's mother: Knock that off, the pair of you, or I'll smack your silly heads together!

Lyana: Sir! What do you think about this serious scandal that's threatening to destroy the show?

Jefe: What happened?

Lyana: Ma'am! What's your opinion about this?

Sine: I would say I'm laughing at this, but now that I think about it, I agree with Jefe.
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,761
Meanwhile on Mount Everest...

Thom and papijoe have frozen into two big columns of ice. Even the halvah is frozen.


Meanwhile somewhere near Las Vegas...

WriterMom: Oh, just throw it in the back with the shotgun.

monkeyweather: It's soo cute!

WriterMom: Yeah, it's a Remington SP-10™!

monkeyweather: And the baby looks so cute next to it!

WriterMom: Well, maybe someday it'll be his shotgun, we'll see. It looks good on my daughter too, all my kids look good with guns, I-

monkeyweather: So are we all set?

WriterMom: Yeah! So anyway, as I was saying, Jefe really needs to get a girlfriend. I mean, think about it, who can play violin for all these hours and not get melancholy? I told him, I said "Jefe, get a damn girl fercryingoutloud, there's a lot more to life than chips and dip and -" oh, what now?!

monkeyweather: Aww...he's crying... he's probably hungry...

WriterMom: Figures! He hasn't been born an hour and he's already making demands! Classic male!


Meanwhile in the barn...

Esmeralda is entering the barn carrying a big flashlight. She feels a little itchy but not too bad.


Meanwhile on bloggie...

zorkie and evariste are sitting by the fire sipping cognac. evariste, in a very pretty maternity dress, is coding bloggie boxes [att. screenwriters - how the hell is evariste going to give birth? do you guys think about this shit before you write it? - director] and feeling the baby kicking, [att. director - we're looking at brochures from the Mayo Clinic right now - screenwriters] while zorkie is knitting a sweater and smiling happily. while zorkie chokes on an olive and dies. [att. screenwriters - tell the producer to get another girlfriend, she's really annoying! - director] while zorkie is knitting a sweater and smiling happily. [att. director - you tell him! - screenwriters]

evariste: zorkie, is it td then tr or tr then td?

zorkie: tr then td. Always.

evariste: Thank you baby, I don't know what I would do without your html.

zorkie: No problem sweetie, you can borrow my html anytime. Stick it back in the basement when you're done, right where it says x.

evariste: Okay, good. So...uh...

zorkie: Yes?

evariste: You know when you eat anchovies?

zorkie: Yes.

evariste: So, uh...what happens?!

zorkie: Er...I dunno...I just swallow.

evariste: Huh...

zorkie: What?

evariste: I'm thinking of switching to anchovy paste...

zorkie: Yeah?

evariste: Yeah, this way I can eat it straight out of the tube and I don't have to worry about plates and stuff.

zorkie: ev, you're so smart...that's a brilliant idea! Anchovy paste! Why didn't I think of that!

evariste: I can even make little sandwiches out of crackers, roquefort cheese and anchovy paste!

zorkie: Yes! Brilliant plan!

evariste: And I - what was that? I heard glass break!

zorkie: I heard it too!

evariste: {gasp!!}

zorkie: {gasp!!}

to be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,760
Meanwhile in Germany...

Cam and Stormi are sitting in her shower which seats six four. They're eating pizza and warming their feet by the large fire in the shower's very elegant fireplace. They're surrounded by purring cats and tall, green, tropical plants, while water trickles very softly from the very elegant shower head.

Stormi: We have to steal a helicopter.

Cam: Steal a helicopter?! Every ex of yours is a pilot, why can't we just...

Stormi: It's a secret mission, Cam!

Cam: Baby, I'm a little thirsty...

Stormi: I got some beer, quit bitching already...

Cam: What are we gonna do with this helicopter?

Stormi: Fly to Everest.

Cam: Ah, shit...

Stormi: What, now you're gonna tell me you're afraid of a little snow?

Cam: What the hell's in Everest?

Stormi: Thom and papijoe.

Cam: Again? Didn't we pick them up from Everest last year too?

Stormi: That time they were there on purpose. This time they're there by accident.

Cam: You know I love Charles, but shit man...I don't even vote in the States, why do I always gotta go rescue you people?

Stormi: You got flair, baby...

Cam: Yeah, that must be it...I'm sure the fact that I'm taking flying lessons has nothing to do with it...


Meanwhile in Crete...

Aisha is calling Mossad headquarters.

Aisha: AG in Houston, I want off this assignment, seriously...

Aisha: At least give me some time off. Please?

Aisha: Yeah, I'll take a weekend! Who's replacing me?

Aisha: David, oh ok... yeah I know him, he's not bad...not that I think he stands a chance with this guy...

Aisha: Man, you have no idea... the guy's nuts. He hasn't stopped complaining for one single minute! If I hear one more time about how "today's Jews can't decide if they're men or women" I'll... I'll throttle him with my burqa!

Aisha: Yes, I know he's Arik's cousin! You think he's letting me forget it? He made me wash his socks and his underwear, he made me walk with him in the middle of the night 'cause he had gas pains from "spoiled" food - never mind that he ate two chickens all by himself - oh and then there was the night he got drunk - he called it "feeling happy" - and he made me carry him upstairs to bed. If you thought Arik was hefty...

Aisha: And who's this zulubaby person, btw? He keeps going on and on about her...

Aisha: Ah, his daughter... Man, I feel sorry for her... Adopted? A foundling?! Huh...


to be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,759
zorkie has returned home from the hospital. Her head is wrapped in bandages and she has a slight concussion. She smiles happily as she's knitting by the fire while sipping some cognac with her vicodin. She has just discovered the solution for 7 across in Saturday's NYT crossword and is calling evariste with the news. Suddenly, she accidentally overdoses and she drops dead. [att. screenwriters - didn't we kill her already? what is she doing back? - director]

zorkie has returned home from the hospital. Her head is wrapped in bandages and she has a slight concussion. She smiles happily as she's knitting by the fire while sipping some cognac with her vicodin. She has just discovered the solution for 7 across on Saturday's NYT crossword - "acerbicness" - and is calling evariste with the news. [att. director - she's having an affair with the producer. she said if we kill her she'll tell his wife - screenwriters]


Cut to Throbert's where he's busy decorating the cellar/nursery with Russian paintings. The phone rings.

Throbert: Hello? Oh hi, Lewis! Thank you! Yes, we're very happy!

Throbert: Yeah, I'm thinking yellow...evariste was thinking black...

Throbert: I originally thought pink as well, but what if it's a boy?

Throbert: Well, I don't want him to have an identity crisis later on in life or possibly be gay and such so we're gonna stick with neutral colors.

Throbert: Yeah, I know Frank. What about him?

Throbert: No!


Meanwhile in the barn...

Gustav: Achtung, Ali, it is time ve put on our camouflage.

Ali: I paint my eyebrows yellow and I will be ready.

Gustav: Okay Ali. Don't forget the nuclear suitcase.

Ali: Gustav! Because I'm blonde now, you accuse me?

Gustav: Oh no, dear Ali! I vas not accusing you!

Ali: Oh Gustav! Hold me!


Meanwhile at Kosher Eucharist...

packen: Why are you two following me?

Aridog: Er...why won't you tell us where you're going?

Pete (Alois): Yeah! Why won't you tell us?

packen: Get a life! Both of you!

Pete (Alois): Well, I'm here 'cause he told me to.

packen: So if he told you to jump off a bridge, you'd do that too?

Aridog: Hey! Not fair! I'd never tell him to jump off a bridge!

Michael: WILL YOU ALL JUST GET THE @#&* OUTTA HERE?!

Pete (Alois): Michael!

packen: Michael!

Aridog: Michael! These are your parents you're talking to!

Michael: Don't remind me! Please!


To be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,758
Jefe is pacing up and down the hallways of the Very-Very Secret Government Agency while playing his fiddle, an activity he finds relaxing and entertaining. The Very-Very Secret Agents have put cottonballs in their ears.

floranista: One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy...

Jefe rushes to answer the phone in his office.

Jefe: Yes, did you get him?

floranista: A gracious good morning to you...Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?

Jefe: Mercy, woman! Is it him on the line?

floranista: And who might you be?

Jefe: Oh I so wanna fire your ass, you have no idea...

floranista: You and half of America, haaa-haaa-haaaa!

Jefe: Come on, put him through.

floranista: Say please.

Jefe: Please.

floranista: Say it like you mean it.

Jefe: Please.

floranista: I can't hear you...

Jefe: *$@#*@$%&-PLEASE!!!!!

floranista: Oh all right, just this once.

Jefe: Charles?

Jefe: I don't know how it happened Charles, it wasn't on my shift, I was on vacation! Yeah, in Ireland... No! No, I swear we didn't have farting contests! Oh...no... no, that wasn't me! Charles, you don't know this! But how could you possibly-

Jefe: Yes...

Jefe: I don't know how I lost my wallet.

Jefe: But I only bent over that one time though!

Jefe: Yeah, it's possible that it fell out then but... look-

Jefe: But Charles, my password wasn't compromised, I swear!

Jefe: ...in my wallet...

Jefe: I'm sorry Charles...

Jefe: Aww Charles...awww...oh come on! Oh, not my DSL too? ... But I need my... And the Xbox!? But Cha- awww... oh come on, man... awww man...


Meanwhile, Ultra-Secret Agent Sine has just arrived in the States and is reporting to headquarters:

Sine: ..--.-...-...-..-.-.?

jr: -.-.

Sine: ...---.--.-.--.--.--?

jr: -.-

Sine: ..--.-.--.-..-.--.-.?

jr: ..

Sine: ..-.-.-.-.-.--.--.-...--?

jr: .!

Sine: ----.!


Meanwhile in the deep woods of North America...

There are rustling sounds in the woods. A short, bald man stands tall as he looks around for snipers. He doesn't see any and after blowing his nose very loudly he continues his march towards the barn...


to be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,757
zorkie is sitting by the fire, knitting quietly and humming to herself. She just discovered the answer to life, the universe and everything and is having a shot of cognac to solidify her thoughts. Suddenly, she's bonked on the head from behind. A happy smile crosses her face and she drops dead. [att. screenwriters - we cannot afford her salary and she's not very photogenic. kill her. - director]


Meanwhile, in Albuquerque...

Nothing is happening here, we don't know anyone in Albuquerque.


Meanwhile in Crete...

Maine's Michael: Oy, whose kakameyme idea was this? This place is full of goyim!

Aisha: You said you wanted to buy Crete.

Maine's Michael: Genug! Is there a need to be such a kvetsh about it? Fine, fine, it was my farkatke idea! There! Blame it on the Jew! Happy now?

Aisha: Er...

Maine's Michael: Oy, the tsures! So let's have a little nosh, I feel weak... These Greek mamzers, all they think about is mezuma...what am I, Rockefeller?

Aisha: Well, it's an island you're buying!

Maine's Michael: So? They have a thousand other islands, why they have to pick on me? What kind of mishigas is that?

Aisha: Excuse me, I really have to call headquarters.

Maine's Michael: Stop utzing me with your problems, you...


Meanwhile, near Las Vegas...

WriterMom: So I said to him "Who pays $28 for two ounces? Since when has halvah reached the price of gold?" But you know how everyone is on the Kabalah these days, it drives me crazy. And now he's off buying some island in Greece. And that's just my father-in-law. My mother-in-law? She needs a post of her own...

monkeyweather: Oh, I accidentally shot my in-laws a long time ago.

WiterMom: Lucky you! Ok, I mean I don't mind the old bastard, but you know, you'd think he wouldn't play favourites.

monkeyweather: Oh, totally, favorites suck.

WriterMom: You know he's leaving everything to zulubaby?

monkeyweather: No! Really?

WriterMom: Yup. I suck up to him for years, "yes dear papa," "more chicken dear papa?" "let me get you your slippers dear papa"... You know how many times I played "Matchmaker" on the harmonica for him? I hate that song. I told my husband, "if he makes me play it one more time, I'm gonna break that harmonica over his head." My husband? What does he care, pass him the dolma, he's happy.

monkeyweather: I shot my husband once too, accidentally of course.

WriterMom: I tell you, sometimes... And then to have the old goat turn around and leave everything to her, his "princess". And he's buying her a damn island too - like she needs an island.

monkeyweather: Sigh...Some girls have all the luck...

WriterMom: Oops! Pull over, I'm having the baby.


to be continued...
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zorkmidden
Stay Tuned...
Bloggies of Our Lives returns Monday.


What our stars are saying:


"Boy, can WriterMom multi-task or what." -Jefe

"zorkie's on shrooms n'est pas" - HULUGU

"Viaheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... Viahahahauuuuuuuuuuu... Viyaheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... Viyahahahuuuuuuuuuu" - WriterMom

"Hey, is this kid mine, or Throbert's?!?" - Frank IBC

"Hopefully Cam will sober up in time..." - Stormi

"Could it be that...I'M zorkie?!" - evariste

"Egg rolls! Coming right up!" - Sine


Bloggies of Our Lives is brought to you by -

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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,756
zulubaby exits the Jaguar and straightens out her short skirt which by now was hopelessly wrinkled. Fortunately she had fixed her hair and makeup while HULUGU was arranging for a flight to Aspen. She walks into a very tall building and takes the elevator to the third floor. Then she takes the elevator to the 12th floor. Then she takes the elevator to the basement and then to the 5th floor. Then she takes the elevator back to the lobby and finally back to the basement where she steps out and heads for the trapdoor hidden behind a barrel of beer. There, she takes the escalator down 12 floors and she's now in the sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement.

She walks into a long tunnel and takes the elevator to the umpteenth billionth floor. She walks to the third door on the left and rings the bell.

Charles opens the door.

zulubaby: Charles.

Charles: zulubaby.

zulubaby: I have the Google reports.

Charles: Come in.

zulubaby: Oh, you've changed the leftbar! The dotted borders look very pretty...

Charles: Were you followed?

zulubaby: Uh...no!

Charles: We have a mole.

zulubaby: Yes, Jefe told me.

Charles: It's time to destroy AOL. It's brought humanity nothing but misery. It's time for the final blow.

zulubaby: Anything you need Charles, I'm on your side. And ploomie is outside with the guns.

Charles: I needed you...

zulubaby: Charles, I...

Charles: Don't, please don't...

zulubaby: Charles, I'm sorry...

Charles: You broke my heart...

zulubaby: Oh, Charles!

Charles: ...

zulubaby: Charles, I love you!

Charles: What about HULUGU?

zulubaby:...




Meanwhile at Kosher Eucharist...

Michael: Come in, mom. If you must.

packen kisses Michael and Chris on the cheek and pets the small animal known as "Chris's hair". She does a quick inspection of the dorm room and seeing nothing out of the ordinary dirt she sighs happily. She clears a few hundred cds off the bed, kicks aside the pile of dirty socks by her ankles and sits down.

packen: Sweetheart, it's so good to see you, you look good!

Michael: What do you mean I look good? Of course I look good! Do you know what I have to go through to look like this? You have no idea, do you?! "You look good!" I better look good! But you never liked me! You always wished Chris was your son! Admit it!

packen: Honey, are you on crack?

Michael: Hah! You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Chris: Who wants an eggroll?

Suddenly, the door bursts open and Aridog bursts in the room.

packen: Aridog!

Aridog: packen!

Michael: Mom! What is he doing here?!

Aridog: Michael!

packen: Michael! Don't be rude!

Chris: I really think you should all have an eggroll...

Suddenly, the door bursts open again and Pete (Alois) bursts in the room.

packen: Pete (Alois)!

Pete (Alois): Aridog!

Aridog: Pete (Alois)!

Pete (Alois): packen!

Michael: Dad! What are you doing here?!

Pete (Alois): Michael!

Aridog: Michael!

packen: Michael! How rude!

Chris: Madonna mia, I'm so grateful I'm not related to any of them..


To be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,755
Thousand Sons and militarybratkid have put their bras on their heads and are sitting quietly in the back porch concentrating very hard in making contact with the home planet.

Thousand Sons: Salmon...come in Salmon...

militarybratkid: Toad...militarybratkid calling Toad...

Salmon: bzzt...Hello Master...

Thousand Sons: We need more black bras, Salmon.

militarybratkid: Hey Toad! When you come to earth, can you bring me my GI Joe? I forgot him in the engine room!

Salmon: bzzt...The only color left is green, Master. And nothing below a 56 DDD.

Thousand Sons: WTF?! How am I supposed to take over this goddamned planet if the bras don't fit? And who the fuck...

militarybratkid: Hey! Watch your language! I'm gonna tell my mom!

Thousand Sons: Sorry, kid...Now listen here Salmon, who the fuck, I mean who in the galaxy wears a green bra?!

Salmon: bzzt...Charles had put in a special order for a few million green bras sir, we got the leftovers at a special discount.

Thousand Sons: Godda...sorry kid...Fucking cheapos! Sorry kid...




Meanwhile, innocent Esmeralda is in the middle of cleaning Frank's place when Frank appears looking dejected.

Frank: Esmeralda...

Esmeralda: Señor Frank! I was just...er...hi señor Frank!

Frank: Esmeralda, I need you to go on a dangerous mission.

Esmeralda: Yeah? Okay, I vacuum first, then I go.

Frank: (sobbing...) Oh Esmeralda, I'm so sorry...

Esmeralda: Ay mijito! Why you cry? Esmeraldita hug you and kiss you...

Frank: Oh it's all right, I'm fine. Look, here's where I need you to go: you know bloggie?

Esmeralda: Where those foreigners live! I know them! Very messy they are, I see their house, ppptoooey! The boy sleeps all day and that girl is no good! And so many people go in and out, in and out, all day, all night...I don't know what they do over there, but is no good so many people!

Frank: Ok, well...you're not actually gonna go to the bloggie, you're gonna go in the barn behind it...

Esmeralda: I'm not going in the barn.

Frank: Well, see that's the whole point of the mission...

Esmeralda: There's hay in the barn, I get itchy.

Frank: I'll give you antihistamines, you won't even feel it.

Esmeralda: If I get itchy, you scratch me?

Frank: Oh dear God...

Esmeralda: You scratch me.

Frank: Oh dear God, why...

Esmeralda: What you want me to do in the barn?

Frank: I need you to knock out a couple of Islamonazis, kidnap them, and bring them back here in total secrecy.

Esmeralda: Knock out who?

Frank shakes his head in despair..."damn you bigel, damn you" he cries softly..."of all the LGFers you could have picked, why me, why now?" Frank covers his face with his hands and starts sobbing. Esmeralda starts singing "De Colores" to cheer him up. Frank takes out a handgun and shoots himself. Oops, not yet.




To be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,754
Downtown Los Angeles, Very-Very Secret Government Agency

Jefe: Please?

WriterMom: No.

Jefe: Oh, come on, please?

WriterMom: No friggin' way.

Jefe: Pretty please?

WriterMom: Ohfercryingoutloud! Look - it's my daughter's dance recital tonight, I gotta make a rat costume for my son for his play also tonight, my mother-in-law moved in yesterday and is re-arranging my cupboards as we speak, my husband decided he must audition for "American Idol" after all and I'm about to give birth any friggin' minute!! If you really think I'm takin' this case you're out of your friggin' mind!

Jefe: I'll throw in an extra shotgun for the baby.

WriterMom: Yeah? Hmm...

Jefe: And a full tank of gas.

WriterMom: ...

Jefe: And lunch money, of course.

WriterMom: ...

Jefe: For two?

WriterMom: (burp)...

Jefe: All right! And diapers! A full case of diapers! Woman, you drive a hard bargain! I don't even have clearance for all this!

WriterMom: Yeah? Well, lihtso your ass and get some 'cause I'm in a hurry. I have a PTA meeting in an hour.

Jefe: Ok, here's the info on your contact. She's in the Secret Service, she's highly recommended by The George himself.

WriterMom: Great, another amateur! Like I have time for this!




Meanwhile on a boulevard near Santa Monica...

ploome: *spit* we're being followed.

zulubaby: oh, lose them ploomie!

ploome: *spit* he's giving us the secret lights signal.

zulubaby: He's one of ours?!

ploome: *spit* I gotta pull over.

The silver Jaguar pulls to the curb. A black Bentley pulls up behind it. A tall, handsome stranger exits the Bentley and enters the Jaguar.

zulubaby: HULUGU!

HULUGU: c'mere z-babe...

zulubaby and HULUGU engage in deep, passionate kissing while ploome looks out the window and lovingly pets the howitzer nestled next to her. It only needed some minor assembly...
Around the corner, a very suspicious-looking character is whispering into his wristwatch...

To be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,753
Romantic bar/restaurant by the lake. evariste and Throbert are having a romantic dinner by candlelight.

evariste: Throbert, I love you.

Throbert: Oh honey! Я люблю Ва?!

evariste: Throbert, we have to talk.

Throbert: So start talking already!

evariste: Throbert, I...

Throbert: Да?

evariste: Throbert, I...

Throbert: I love you honey, you can tell me anything...

evariste: Throbert, I'm pregnant!

Throbert gasps. Camera closes in on his face. His eyes are tearing up.

Thobert: Waiter! Champagne!

evariste: Oh honey!

Frank walks in the restaurant. His eyes meet with evariste's. He glances away. He sits at the bar and orders a Perrier. The jukebox is playing Patsy Cline, "Your Cheating Heart" to be exact. Frank loosens his silk tie and dejectedly looks into his mineral water. The bartender, once again, had forgotten the cherry.

In the restaurant part of the romantic bar/restaurant, the orchestra is playing "Besa me mucho". Throbert looks lovingly in evariste's eyes. "If it's a boy, we'll name him Rugby," Throbert says softly. evariste leans his head on Throbert's shoulder. "And if it's a girl, we'll name her Badminton..."




Meanwhile at Kosher Eucharist:

Michael: Ah, sh-! How many pairs of shorts do you go through a week, Chris?!

Michael: If she brings the dogs too, that's it. I'm gonna make her go to shul.

Michael: GAAAA!!! Why couldn't she be Chris's mother?


Meanwhile, in Mali...

lazytart: Yes, thank you. Oh, I don't care, money's not a problem. No, I definitely don't want it to look like an accident! I want blood, lady! I want blood and guts all over the place!

lazytart: ...evariste, right. He also has a brother and I want him dead too - ayahuasca, he's a dope fiend. Oh, and there's some girl living with them but she's not involved in this so don't hurt her unless she gets in the way. Yes, I have their address, it's thrown-away-bloggie something or other, lemme get my purse...


To be continued...
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zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,752
Somewhere in the Balkans...

UN Chief-in-Charge-of-Invasions Colt is smoking a cigar and calling his secret contact, Armed Liberal.

Colt: Armed Liberal! Hi, it's Colt.

Colt: Thanks, but it's not my birthday.

Colt: Yeah, I need a...um...I need a favour...

Colt: I need a...um...I need a killer.

Colt: Yes, a killer, you know, someone who kills.

Colt: People, of course, people!

Colt: Great, great, when can I expect him?

Colt: Great, wonderful. What's his name?

Colt: Aluminum Head?! That's not very reassuring...

Colt: Yes I trust you, but... Well, you remember your last recommendation...Turns out they weren't lethal, were they?

Colt: Maybe Joe was wrong?

Colt: NO! No, please don't tell him I said that...

Colt: Yes, fine, I'll give him a chance... Yes, say hi to everyone from me too. No, not too windy here...Yeah, thanks, you stay armed too...

Outside Colt's office, Portia is continuing to look through the keyhole, whispering into a microscopic device deep in her red silk bra. Her voice is hoarse by now from so much whispering...




Cut to Frank's place.

Frank is hanging curtains. The phone rings.

Frank: Hello?

Frank: bigel, what the...

Frank: Which barn?

Frank: How do you know they're Islamonazis?

Frank: No, I'm not doubting you, I just...

Frank: No!

Frank: Who told you about evariste?

Frank: No, we're not having an affair!

Frank: bigel, look...

Frank: I can't do that!

Frank: No! Not Esmeralda!

Frank: Please!

Frank: But she knows nothing about Islamonazis!

Frank: But that's blackmail!

Frank: All right, fine, I'll do it.

Frank: And a good evening to you too, bigel.

Frank looks at the camera dejectedly. He should have known bigel would make him do something awful...


To be continued...
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zorkmidden
Stay Tuned...
Bloggies of Our Lives returns Monday.



Starred Reviews

"As the sands in one seriously messed up hourglass, these are the bloggies of our lives." -Jefe


"No one knows what will happen next! No one!" - unknown fan


"Oy gevalt! Does this make me feel funny in the petseleh." - Aisha




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2 commentsJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,751
militarybrat household, somewhere in America...

In the basement Thousand Sons is calmly eating a potato while contemplating the effects of intergalactic conspiracies on human peeing processes. He comes to the conclusion that there is nothing conclusive about it and dejectedly eats his potato peels.

In the militarybrat living room, the family is doing family pushups. militarybratkid is whispering into the bra strap hanging from his head.

militarybrat: honey (one-one thousand) why are you (two-one thousand) wearing a bra on your head (three-one thousand)?

militarybratkid: mom, you just don't understand.

militarybrat: try me (six-one thousand)

militarybratkid: mom, it's not a bra, it's a communication device! Mr. Sons has one too.

militarybrat: Mr. Who? (twelve-one thousand)

militarybratkid: here we go again... Mr. Sons, mom, the guy in the basement. He's gonna kill Fred.

militarybrat: Who's Fred? (nineteen-one thousand)

militarybratkid: Fred, mom! He's cba's friend!

militarybrat: It's Mrs. cba to you, young man! Mind your manners!(twenty eight-one thousand)

militarybratkid: I did say Mrs. cba, mom, you just didn't hear me! Anyway, some people want to kill Fred and some other people want to kill him too except some other people don't want to kill him and Mr. Sons is gonna kill him and I'm gonna supervise the whoooooooole thing! Mom, why do aliens like potatoes?


Meanwhile on Mount Everest...

papijoe and Thom are calmly eating some halvah.

Thom: Another ten minutes at most.

papijoe: You realise Charles is going to be really pissed off about this.

Thom: If he can afford a dedicated server, he can afford a helicopter ride.

papijoe: Yeah, but not because we turned left instead of right and now we're at 3,000 something...

Thom: Why are you always complaining?


Meanwhile in Washington...

monkeyweather: Sir, duck.

George: What?

monkeyweather: Sir, duck!

George: Oh yeah, I see it! And it's a pretty one too! I like the white ones, they remind me of Laura, all fluffy and bobbing like that...

monkeyweather whispering in her walkie-talkie: ok, we're approaching the elephant area.

George: So anyway Pete (Alois), I told Condi, that's not how Arik does it! He melts the cheese first, then he toasts the bread, and then he cuts a tomato and...

monkeyweather whispering in her walkie-talkie: ok, now we're near the flamingos.




Meanwhile in Mali...

lazytart: Hello? Yes, I would like to hire a killer, please...


To be continued...
no comments yetJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,750
Charles is playing his guitar menacingly. He glares out the window while he hits a C# and angrily strums a G immediately after it. Jefe had once again blown it. There's a mole in the Very-Very Secret Government Agency - even though registration had been implemented. The phone rings:

Charles: Yeah?

Charles: Pudding.

Charles: No, not tapioca.

Charles: Yeah, vanilla's fine.

Charles: I love you too, mom.




Meanwhile in Germany...

Stormi: Cam!

Cam: Stormah!

Stormi: Cam! Wazzup?

Cam: Wazzup Stormah?

Stormi: Hey Cam, wazzup?

Cam: Stormah!




Meanwhile somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean...

In a large airplane full of grumpy Europeans, two suspicious-looking characters are huddled in the economy class bathroom whispering to each other:

Pete (Alois): Aridog, I can't be going on this wild womanhunt, I have an appointment to go to the zoo.

Aridog: But Pete (Alois), I'm telling you, she's up to no good!

Pete (Alois): Oh come on Aridog, what's she gonna do? Buy Cuba?

Aridog: Yes!

Pete (Alois): Look... I can't put off the zoo trip, it's a matter of national security. Can you follow her and we'll meet later?

Aridog sighs dejectedly...How can he admit that he can't keep up with her? His knees aren't what they used to be and those bunions weren't helping either...On the other hand, if packen was left to her own ideas, an international crisis was sure to develop...

Aridog: Ok, let's meet back at Kosher Eucharist, I should know more by then...Now go out first and pretend you don't know me...

Pete (Alois): We're sitting right next to each other...

Aridog: Exactly! This is why we have to pretend!




Meanwhile in the barn:

Gustav: Achtung, Ali, do you remember our contact's name?

Ali: Oh, yes, I remember it vell, because it is very unique!

Gustav: Vell?

Ali: Oh Gustav, hold me!

Gustav: Ok, but vat is his name?

Ali: Gorda, Gordu, something like this...

Gustav: Ah, Jewish...




Meanwhile in Germany...

Stormi: Cam!

Cam: Stormah!

Stormi: Cam! Wazzup?

Cam: Wazzup Stormah?

Stormi: All right, get sober for a minute and listen...

Cam: Oh, come on, baby, don't do this to me!

Stormi: Listen, I got a secret message from Charles.

Cam: No! Charles hissself?

Stormi: Yes, now shut up and listen. I need your help.

Cam: All right, lemme get a beer...


To be continued...
no comments yetJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,749
Downtown Los Angeles, Very-Very Secret Government Agency

Jefe: Get WriterMom in here right now, dammit!

floranista: Yes sir, right away.

floranista: One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy...

WriterMom: Yeah, what now?

floranista: A gracious good morning to you...Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?

WriterMom: Of fercryingoutloud, you only call me 15 times a day!

floranista: The Boss wants you.

WriterMom: Ah, sh-I just ordered Indian food!

floranista: Hey, don't take it out on me, lady! He's your boss!

WriterMom: He's yours too, you little twerp!

floranista: Nope. Sorry sistah, you lose. I work directly for the President. I am not subject to city, state, or federal legislation. I am omnipotent.

WriterMom: Figures. Everyone here's got it better than me. Awright, tell him to shaddup, I'll be there after lunch.

floranista: You tell him to shaddup! And he wants you there now!

WriterMom: All right, already!




Cut to MI34 Ultra-Secret Agency in Britain. Ultra-Secret Senior Agent jr is explaining to Ultra-Secret Junior Agent Sine the very dangerous mission she's just been assigned.

jr: -.--.

Sine: ...---.--.-...----.-?

jr: -.-.-.

Sine: ..---.-.--.-.--.-....-.-.-.-.?

jr: ..-!

Sine: ..-.-..!




Cut to Santa Monica boulevard. A silver Jaguar is purring like a cat in the street.

zulubaby: ploomie, you got the guns?

ploome: *spit* Yeah, I got them.

zulubaby: We have to be very careful ploomie, this is the most dangerous job ever.

ploome: *spit* Yeah, I know.

zulubaby: Jefe is in big trouble. I hope Charles can fix this.

ploome: *spit* I need a massage.

zulubaby: Oh me too! Let's go get one before we get to the Lizard Hub.

ploome: *spit* We got a job to do first.

zulubaby: Ja, I suppose you're right.

zulubaby looks out the window dejectedly. The ink is barely dry on her citizenship certificate and she already has to go save someone's ass...


To be continued...
no comments yetJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,748
bloggie living room. evariste is pensive once again. zorkie is sitting by the fire, knitting a sweater and humming a happy tune.

evariste: sigh...

zorkie: lovely day, isn't it, sweetie?

evariste: I need some pickle juice...

zorkie: Uh...

evariste: And strawberries. I need pickle juice and strawberries.

zorkie: Uh...

evariste: Oh and anchovies! zorkie, get me strawberries and pickle juice and anchovies, please baby?

zorkie: evariste, are you pregnant?

(evariste blanches)

evariste: Ha-ha, pregnant, ha-ha...

zorkie: Well?

evariste: Maybe a little bit...

zorkie: Whose is it?

evariste: What do you mean whose is it?

zorkie: I know you're cheating on Throbert...

evariste: zorkie, I'm shocked that you'd think that of me! Who told you such a thing?

zorkie: It's not important who (Lewis) told me, ev...

evariste: I'll kill him!

zorkie: ev...

evariste: zorkie, I... I don't know, zorkie...I don't know whose baby I'm carrying!

(evariste starts sobbing heavily)

zorkie: Aww...sweetheart...it's all right honey, we'll go to the Jerry Springer show and figure it all out...


(bigel enters the room, strangely calm and composed)


bigel: evariste! What are you doing here?

evariste: I could ask the same of you, bigel!

bigel: Er...I just need to use the phone...

evariste sucks miserably on an anchovie while bigel pours a Dewar's and ice in a crystal tumbler. He looks at evariste and a little smile plays on his face. zorkie smiles lovingly at the camera and goes back to humming a happy tune.





Meanwhile in Monte Carlo...

Elevator of the luxurious hotel Monte Carlito in Monte Carlo. packen has suspiciously stopped the elevator and is talking on her cellphone.

packen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Yes mom, I still keep kosher.

packen: Honey, I wasn't gonna say anything...

Michael: Of course not, how could you say anything? You wouldn't know kosher if it hit you in the face.

packen: Ok honey, calm down. I just had a quick question.

Michael: What?

packen: Have you seen any suspicious activity around your place?

Michael: Mom, I live in a fucking dorm! Everything is suspicious!

packen: Hmm...I might have to come over and investigate...

Michael: NO!!!

packen: See you soon honey, I'll be flying in tonight.

Michael: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael: Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Chris! We gotta do laundry, like right fucking now!


To be continued...
no comments yetJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,747
Somewhere near Mount Everest...

papijoe: Thom, I think we're lost...

Thom: Well, you still have your cyanide pill, don't you?

papijoe: Oh man...don't even joke about that...

Thom: Who's joking?

papijoe: Shouldn't we be near China by now?

Thom: China, Shmina...Let's see what's over here...

papijoe: Oh joy...

Thom: You know something? If we just go up that mountain and down the other side, we'll save at least two days of hiking, what do you say.

papijoe: It's an awfully tall mountain, Thom...

Thom: Don't make me break into song, papijoe...




Meanwhile in the Balkans...

UN Chief-in-Charge-of-Invasions Colt locks the door of his office and dials a secret number.

Colt: Hey RIP Ford...Thanks, but it's not my birthday...Yes, I just heard...I never trusted him, myself...Yeah...Well, what did you expect...the guy's a fiddler...

Colt: Well yes, I could send an agent, I suppose... Of course I'll send someone with no qualms about killing! Yes, I know not to do it like the other time! Oh, bloody hell! I'm not saying it! Oh co- but I was young back then! Please don't make me say it! Oh, come on!!... Fine. All right. I'll say it...Paintballs don't kill people, bullets kill people. There, I said it. Happy?

Colt hangs up the phone muttering about "bleeding Yanks" while he examines his toe.

Outside Colt's office, Portia is looking through the keyhole and whispering into a microscopic device deep in her red silk bra. She's speaking in a foreign language sounding suspiciously foreign...




Meanwhile in North Dakota...

cba storms out of the Net Police office in a fury. Why didn't they believe her?! She told the Net Chief about those suspicious characters outside the tall hospital building. She described how she had hid around the corner and watched as they let theparson through and then immediately got back to whispering about tangents and coordinates and metal body parts while occasionally yelling "Last!" And now Fred was almost dead. She snaps open her cellphone.

cba: bigel?

bigel: cba, there are islamonazis in the barn!

cba: It's much worse than that, bigel. There's something afoot.

bigel: I know! I've been telling everyone!

cba: We need a plan.

bigel: We have a plan!

cba: No, not the Samson plan. bigel, listen...you know Frank IBC, right?

bigel: Yeah...?

cba: Ok, here's the plan...




To be continued...
no comments yetJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
zorkmidden
Episode 301,434,746
Somewhere in Washington...

Girl: Mom?

monkeyweather: Yes, honey?

Girl: Do you have to work tonight, too?

monkeyweather: Yes darling, I do, I'm sorry.

Girl: But mom...why can't President Bush go to church alone tonight?

monkeyweather: Well, darling, that's what the secret service is for, to accompany the President everywhere.

Girl: But mom...Oh, oh, oh, you got a new rifle! Can I try it? Can I?

monkeyweather: Sure honey, go shoot at the neighbor's cat. But don't hit it, ok?

The phone rings.

monkeyweather: Hello?

floranista: A gracious good morning to you...Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?

monkeyweather: Uh...sure...

floranista: Hold, please.

monkeyweather: Uh...sure...

floranista: One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy...

floranista: Sir, connecting you.

monkeyweather: Hello?

monkeyweather: Sir! Yes sir! No sir, not at all! The President said that about me? I'm honored sir! Certainly! Let me write it down sir, "W-r-i-t-e-r-M-o-m," ok, got it. Sure! Yes, I'll definitely eat the paper once I've memorized the name! Thank you, sir!




Cut to bloggie...

zorkie is pacing in the bloggie living room. She's skeptically thinking and humming a happy tune. The phone rings.

zorkie: Allo?

zorkie: Hi Lewis!

zorkie: Oh nothing...I was just solving the world's problems.

zorkie: Yeah, I was drinking some cognac too, so what?

zorkie: It's 5 pm somewhere, Lewis!

zorkie: No, tell me.

zorkie: No! OMG! He's cheating on Throbert?!

zorkie: Oh, that's terrible...

zorkie: Ok, call me back.



Meanwhile in the barn...

Gustav: Achtung Ali, so ve vait for nighttime and the contact will contact us.

Ali: Oh, Gustav! Is he cute?

Gustav: He's Episcopalian.

Ali: Oh, Gustav! Sigh...




Meanwhile in Crete...

Maine's Michael is sitting at a taverna by the seaside waiting for his Mossad contact to show up. He happily surveys the landscape knowing that soon it'll all be his. The innocent Cretans, not suspecting the fate that is about to befall them, smile at him innocently. The musical theme from "Zorba the Greek" permeates the atmosphere.

A tall, lithe figure appears at the table...

Maine's Michael: Nu?

Tall, lithe figure: You must be Maine's Michael. I'm Aisha...

Maine's Michael: You're a girl, you?

Aisha: Sometimes...

Maine's Michael: Oy gevald! I need this like a luch in kup! You have bristen and you have petseleh? Baitsim, do you have baitsim? Or are they bobkes?

Aisha: Why do you care, mister?

Maine's Michael: Who says I care? As long as you're not some shlemiel or some klutz I have to shlep around, have what you want! Be a shikseh for all I care! Feh! Chutzpenik! Just don't fortz too much, I have a sensitive nose.




Meanwhile in NY City...

A 12-year old girl is sitting in front of a computer screen typing furiously as she's chewing gum...The camera zooms in on her monitor.We see flickering security screens being bypassed and matrices destroyed at her fingertips...




Meanwhile in North Dakota...

Sojourner, Smit and loverofallotherhaters are entering a tall hospital building to visit their friend Fred who is mortally dying of phobia.

Sojourner: After you.

loverofallotherhaters: No, go ahead, you go first.

Smit: Oh I don't mind being last!

loverofallotherhaters: Yeah, I don't mind either. Go ahead.

Sojourner: No, I insist, you go first.

loverofallotherhaters: But I wanted to be last!

Sojourner: I want to be last!

Smit: Last!

Sojourner: No, I'm last!

loverofallotherhaters: Last!

Sojourner: Oh, poo...

Smit: Last! Heh!

loverofallotherhaters: No, I'm last!

Sojourner: Last! I'm last, last, last!

loverofallotherhaters: First!

Sojourner: Hey! Not fair!

Smit: Last!

loverofallotherhaters: Not so fast there, missy!



To be continued...
no comments yetJohn left a comment at 12:53 pm 12/29
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