discarded lies: wednesday, august 24, 2016 1:13 pm zst
We can always panic tomorrow.
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This is not a post about my cat
I've seen bloggers do posts about their cats and I'd like to say that I'm not one of those bloggers. First of all, I don't have a cat. Second of all, I don't even like cats. However, I live with another person's cat. This cat, previously known as Psipsini, which means "kitty" in Greek, is now known as the Dementor.

The Dementor is ancient. No one knows exactly how old she is but I estimate 175 in dog years. Since she shows no intention of dying, I presume she plans to outlive all cats west of the Mississipi. She's a very small cat, she weighs about three pounds soaking wet but she's fluffy and her hair makes her look like she takes a lot of room. At least the dogs think so. She does anything she wants with them, which includes random acts of terror.

When the doggies and I go up the stairs to bed, she runs ahead of us and waits on the landing with a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face. The dogs by now know what to expect so they whimper a little and try to hide behind me but I won't have any of that. I'm just as scared of the Dementor as they are and since they're dogs and they're supposed to protect me, I make them go first. The oldest dog hangs his head down and tries to keep his distance but it's a small space. As he goes past, the Dementor claws him on the neck and slaps his left ear. He yelps, whines, and goes to bed. When the shih-tzu's turn comes he hesitantly approaches and she only slaps the air, intentionally missing him but letting him know it was no accident. He's safely off and I'm alone on the landing with the cat. We eyeball each other but thankfully she just throws me a dirty look before continuing her way into my office.

Did I say my office? Yes, I did. Did I mention she's not my cat? Yes, I did. You'd think she'd respect the rule of non-ownership and stay the hell away from me and my computer but she likes machinery. She likes to put her hairy paw on my keyboard and claw me while I type. She also likes to claw my legs, it's a "a sign of affection" I've been told. I wish she'd love me less.

The Dementor also yells very loudly, she emits these vampiric, screeching howls that reverberate through the house. I think she does it for the shock value. People look at me suspiciously, paying no attention to my assurances that she's not trapped anywhere or hurt, they offer to go look. I know she's not hurt. She's at the top of the stairs howling down to see who answers her. Whoever does, she claws him. She also howls when she wants a door open. That is, she howls in front of the few doors she's not able to open herself. She howls when I keep my door closed and I don't let her in my office. That is extremely annoying in itself, but even more annoying is when she sticks her paw under the door and starts probing. She turns her paw upwards too, like she's going for the doorknob, and she starts howling and screeching. I don't have a lock on this door so this is all very scary.

Anyway, I spend a lot of my time hiding from her. She's out there as I type this and there's no guarantee she won't come in and do some unspeakable evil again. I just want to say quickly that I don't understand why people have cats as pets, they make terrible compa-OUCH!
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I got a joke for you
So a rabbi and a parrot...no, wait. A rabbi and a pirate...uh... I mean a sailor... So a sailor and a rabbi walk into a bar. No, no, wait, they're in an airplane. So a sailor and a rabbi are in an airplane and the flight attendant- I mean the pilot- and the pilot says... um... okay wait... and the flight attendant comes out and uh...

Ah screw it.
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Chuckleheads and Labradoodles
The new Oxford Dictionary of English features some words that appear for the first time in its latest edition. Some of them I hadn't heard before (chugger?) but I was surprised to learn that "potty-mouthed" and "demographic" were just now included.
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guest author: Lyana
The next time my husband complains about me not being empathetic enough, I think I’ll point him to this story... “See honey? If those wives hadn’t been so darn concerned, none of this would have happened!�? Somehow, I don’t think he’ll buy it. Anyway…
Bigamist undone as 3 wives attend his sickbed.

“British police confirmed Thursday that after Melvyn Reed woke from his triple bypass heart operation earlier this year, his complicated marital affairs took a turn for a worse. All three of his spouses had turned up at the same time, despite his efforts to stagger their visits. Upon realizing that something was amiss, the wives held a meeting in the parking lot and learned they were all married to the same man, the British news media reported.�?
Any takers on describing the scene on the basis of the hysterically British understatement of “Upon realizing that something was amiss…�? and/or the “…meeting in the parking lot�??

Personally, I’m curious about what the multiple mrs. may have in mind for Mr. Reed – what would you do?
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It's a Conspiracy!
Palestinians were hoping to beat Portugal's record for the world's longest sandwich but health officials called off the event because the 180 kilos of meat that was going to be used in the sandwich was at risk of rotting in the Jenin heat. One of the event organisers said this was a conspiracy against them.

I would like to say that the gentleman is correct. It is a conspiracy and here at Discarded Lies we admit complete responsibility and we're sorry we got caught. We had sent spies to the Middle East on a secret mission to destroy all mortadella and peppers.

And since everything is out in the open now, a word of caution to our Palestinian friends: while our spies are still in the ME, do not -I repeat- do NOT attempt to make the world's longest knafeh. We will not be able to guarantee your safety.
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The Quiet Life
How noisy is your neighbourhood? And how noisy is your house? In a survey, 65 percent of respondents considered soundproofing an important or extremely important home feature. I have good soundproofing but it's rendered useless by the fact that I have every window in the house open. But really, except for the lawnmowers, the train going by every half hour, the sheriff's helicopter taking off and landing every hour or so from the nearby station, and the neighbour's new puppy whining outside all day, my neighbourhood and house are pretty quiet.
Noise, measured in decibels, is all around us. Sounds of less than 75 decibels, even after long exposure, are unlikely to cause hearing loss. But prolonged exposure to sound over 85 decibels can cause deafness, says the League for the Hard of Hearing in New York and Oakland Park, Fla.

Whispered voice: 20 decibels

Refrigerator: 40-50 decibels

Washing machine: 50-75 decibels

Dishwasher: 55-70 decibels

Vacuum cleaner: 60-85 decibels

TV audio: 70 decibels

Usual conversation: 60 decibels

Ringing telephone: 80 decibels

City traffic: 80 decibels

Blender: 80 to 90 decibels

Lawnmower, subway trains: 90 decibels

Chainsaw: 110 decibels

Jet engine taking off: 150 decibels
A little less noise, please
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Putting His Foot Down
They amputated his club-foot for getting too infected to save, so Ezekiel Rubottom kept it in a bucket of formaldehyde on his porch. Zeke occasionally sliced off a toe to give as a gift.

Look, it's art.

Anyway, some cops replied to a hysterical parent's phone call—
...by confiscating the foot. You know, for the children. Not to mention the property values. As it turns out, much to the police's chagrin: possession (and display) of your own foot is not against the law, so Zeke got his foot back. He put it right back on the front porch, in the bucket of formaldehyde, along with a can of Hamm's beer and a porcelain horse.

Dude. You're the bomb.

Do click that link if you want to see a picture of his foot-bucket. They were too squeamish to show us the foot itself, I guess. Maybe some things should be left to the imagination.
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Gym Etiquette
From semite1973:
Here are some simple gym etiquette rules not normally mentioned on the “Do’s an Don’ts lists at most gyms:
Basic locker room etiquette

*Don’t spread all of your stuff out on the benches. Other people need to use the bench too.

*If you are naked, put a towel on the bench before sitting. Nobody wants your raw ass germs/stench on the bench.

*When not showering, wrap your towel around your waist. Don’t strut around the locker room with your towel slung across your shoulder so that everything is showing.

*You’re not at home, so don’t pee in the shower. Even if you think you are alone, just don’t fucking do it.
Go read the rest at Zak's blog.
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guest author: Mauro
Eat Real Italian!
Ever fancied a "real Italian"? Oh well, I learned a couple of things from my Mum about cooking on the cheap (war time cuisine) and learned a bit more from my sissy (how to keep a man interested) and although I am a bloke and have one moroccan woman to keep, here's one of my Italian ways to do just that! Enjoy the cooking!

PASTA AND BROCCOLI..........(wartime cuisine)
Boil broccoli to a consistency you like (for this pasta I suggest well mushy), shallow fry some garlic (light brown, not burned pls!) timing it to be ready when the broccoli is. You'll have boiled some pasta by now (shells are probably best for this) and drain from its water. Mix the lot, add plenty of pepper/salt and eat! All this shouldn't take anymore than 15mins and it's cheap and really delicious....

SPAGHETTI CARBONARA........(wartime again)
This is the real Roman recipe (I am from Rome after all) make sure you buy PECORINO cheese and NOT parmesan and PANCETTA bacon and NOT normal bacon.... break 2 eggs per person into a bowl, mix with salt, pepper and some pecorino, stir, stir and stir until it's pasty. Then shallow fry pancetta, to as crispy as you'd like it. Pasta should be boiling now (try to make it al dente (undercooked as it is best). Drain water off pasta then pour pasty mix and the pancetta (without its frying oil) and continue cooking with low fire for a minute or two. The aim is to cook the egg on the pasta so you'll need to keep on stirring otherwise the egg will cook at the bottom of the pan and you'll "lose" it! Add pecorino on top when serving. Cheap, quick and delicious......

MEAT PASTA............(this won't be quick nor cheap...but it keeps a partner interested!)
Buy beef cubes, pork chucks, lamb chunks, chicken stock cubes, mince beef, carrots, mushrooms and celery. Put all meats in a pot, marinate with garlic, salt and pepper and fry until brown on the outside (you do that so that the meat juices stays inside the meat). Once meat is slightly browned, add chopped celery and sliced carrots and mushrooms. Stir-fry. (Keep on stirring every-so-often as you do not want to burn at bottom). After a little frying (not much, just a little) add tomato sauce and boil on low. It will take time, maybe a couple of hours but you need to boil at low ok? When sauce seems to dry a bit, add one glass of red wine. Do not the let sauce dry! (Wine? Pork? oh well, there are no muslims in the family)

TUNA PASTA (wartime if you lived near the sea and knew some fishermen)
Simple.... brown garlic, add tomato sauce, bring to boil, low fire boil the by the end add Tuna (in vegetable oil)

COURGETTE (ZUCCHINI) PASTA (my own invention)
Shallow fry garlic (light brown), add sliced zucchini, sliced mushrooms add frozen peas, salt, pepper and stir. After a tiny bit, add plenty of cream and low fire boil. Stir. When you taste and zucchini are cooked, mix with pasta. Done and dusted. D-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s!

PENNE ALLA VODKA (get'em drunk, keep'em keen)
Shallow fry lots of pancetta bacon (light brown) then add tomato sauce, boil for a little bit then add plenty of cream and a healthy glass of Vodka! (You’ll need to keep on stirring) Yummy!

PENNE AL SALMONE (oh you are so posh!)
Shallow fry some white onion (not much of it, just to add some taste), add tomato sauce, boil for a little bit, add plenty of cream. When sauce is nearly ready, add salmon, stir, cook for maybe a couple of minutes more then mix with pasta.
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The Galvanizer
You'll love this game, go play it. Your other choice is the NYT crossword.
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The Matchmaker
Arranged marriages are a profitable business in Pakistan, since they're considered "more Islamic". What do the boy's parents look for in a bride? She has to be thin, "fair as snow" and at least five foot five. It's also preferable that she has a green card and that she has made "no mistakes" in her life, meaning of course she has to be a virgin.
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Private Navies in the Malacca Strait
In response to the problem of cutthroat piracy supported by the Triads and Al Qaeda affiliate groups in the Malacca Strait, shipping companies are turning to private navies to protect their personnel and cargo. Predictably, the gun-grabbers at the UN and in third-world shitholes are catching the vapors. Ugh.
Not everyone, however, thinks his services are a good idea. There are fears that having armed men on board could prove counterproductive and escalate the potential danger for crews and cargo.

Government officials, especially in Malaysia, are concerned about heavily armed men operating in or near their waters. “They could be trigger-happy," one nervous Malaysian official warned.

The international body that monitors safety at sea, the UN’s International Maritime Organisation, advises shipping companies not to keep weapons on board because they can trigger violence.

The biggest fear, however, is that armed security could set off an arms race between security men and pirates, who have easy access to terrorist groups and gun runners.

Companies turn to private navies to combat pirates of the Malacca Strait - [Sunday Herald]
Maybe the nervous Malaysian moron should wonder why his government is such a failure at providing security that the private sector had to step in.
Statistics show new levels of violence against crews last year, including four murders, although the number of attacks in Indonesian waters and the strait fell from 77 to 56.

There are around 12-15 pirate gangs operating in the strait, based in lawless parts of southern Thailand and Indonesia, each about 50-men strong and some with links to terrorist organisations, such as Jemaah Islamiah or the Achenese insurgent group GAM. The growing Islamist insurgency in Thailand, where gangs have lopped the heads off Buddhists and government supporters, has given the pirates a new base to operate from.

Security experts have long feared that terrorists could link up with pirates. Last year, more than 100 people died in the bombing of a ferry in the Philippines. The nightmare scenario is the hijacking of a gas or oil tanker as a floating bomb to be piloted into a port city, such as Singapore.

The more everyday menace is kidnapping ship’s masters – the going rate for ransom in the region is around $120,000 – or stealing from the bridge in a quick smash and grab raid.

Some gangs are much more organised and are believed to have strong links to local politicians and crime gangs, such as the Triads in Hong Kong, the only organisations with the connections to sell stolen cargos or vessels.

In Indonesia, where most of the gangs are based, they are believed to have links with corrupt officials who turn a blind eye to their activities.

Until governments in the region are able to take control of their lawless islands and coastlines, the private navy business is likely to remain a lucrative one.
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Hot Canadian Mama
You know what's sexy? A 115-lb mama who fights off a cougar trying to eat her daughter. Don't argue with me about this. It's sexy.
VANCOUVER -- At first, Monique Bazille didn't see the cougar but she knew by the screams of her daughter Hayley that something was desperately wrong.

"First thing I saw was Hayley between rocks. I didn't see the cougar because it blended well into the rocks. And I saw my little girl -- my little Hayley, my little trooper -- she was fighting him off," Bazille said Friday.

On Wednesday, the cat was clawing at the face and neck of Bazille's four-year-old daughter, preparing to crush her head. Frantic, Bazille used the only weapon she could find, a cooler, weighted with four cans of beer and a bottle of water.

She clubbed the cat with it twice. "It was unfazed, it kept its ground. It snarled and growled at me -- blood on its face from my little girl."

The petite, 115-pound woman was relentless in her attempt to remove the cat from on top of her daughter.

"I saw that cougar on her. I wasn't the least bit afraid." she said. "[It was] instinctual, I'm sure anyone would have done the same thing, any parent."

She screamed at the cat, "you get off of her."

"I was screaming the whole time. I went to do it again, I went to kick him and he shied and jumped into the bush."

The attack was a terrifying end to what should have been a fun-filled, four-day vacation for the family from Coquitlam.


Her mother said Hayley is slowly returning to her old, feisty self.

"She said that she'd like to take the kitty to the deep end of the pool and drown her. And she'd like to scratch her, too. So, she's showing a little bit of anger towards it, which I think is good."
I have just one question. Where the fuck was dad?
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It takes talent to write this bad
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Sunday Morning Fun
This was a very fun game, avoider, all you have to do is try to keep your cursor safe. And afterwards you can tell us which superhero you are.
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Where control-alt-delete came from!
This video is priceless. The inventor of Ctrl-Alt-Del explains the story behind it, then gets a little dig in at Bill Gates's expense. Bill smiles wanly and the guy sort of backpedals a little bit.
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Drinking in Greece
Bars and nightclubs in Greece have a reputation for serving fake booze; we pay €100 for a bottle of "good" whiskey at a fancy club and what we get is moonshine masqueraded as Johnny Walker. A spot inspection in bars and clubs in Athens found that 100 percent of the rum and tequila samples the inspectors tested were adulterated. So if you go to a club in Greece, do like I do and stick with beer.
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Flying With Children
Dedicated to the little brat who kicked the back of my seat from Salonica to Amsterdam, the baby who screamed in my ear from Frankfurt to Athens, the little girl who puked on my sleeve between Vienna and New York and the 5-year-old twins who shared their bubblegum with me on our way to San Francisco: Pain, Agony, Despair
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Polly Doesn't Want A F#$%ing Cracker
Finally, a Barney I can respect!
LONDON (AFP) - A foul-mouthed parrot previously owned by a lorry driver has been banished from public areas in a British animal sanctuary after repeatedly embarrassing his keepers, they said.

Barney, a five-year-old Macaw, is now kept indoors at Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary in Nuneaton, central England, when outsiders visit after abusing dignitaries with swearword-littered insults.

"He's told a lady mayoress to f..(expletive) off and he told a lady vicar: 'And you can f... off as well'," sanctuary worker Stacey Clark said.

Nor did the forces of law and order escape, she added.

"Two policemen came to have a look at the centre. He told them: 'And you can f... off you two wankers'."

Clark said sanctuary workers believed Barney either picked up the phrases from television or was taught them by his previous owner, a lorry driver who emigrated to Spain.

"He does say 'Hello, big boy' and 'Thank you' when you give him a biscuit," she added.

"But it's mainly naughty words and always to the wrong people. We're trying to teach him not to swear. Macaws are very intelligent birds."

Foul-mouthed British parrot banished by embarrassed keepers - Yahoo! News
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guest author: RadioMattM
Oh Dem Bumper Stickers!
In my job, I drive in Seattlegrad, the largest city in the Union of Washington Socialist Republics. You know, the state that last year brought you the type of election for governor that even the Ukraine wouldn't tolerate.

Well, since I drive all day, I see bumper stickers galore. I like to think I am an intelligent person, but some of these bumper stickers have me perplexed.

1. "When Bill Clinton lied, nobody died": This one really throws me. I thought Bill Clinton had consensual sex with another consenting adult, and that it was nobody else's business. If he had actually lied -- and did so under oath -- then, surely, even the Left would have supported his impeachment. Now they say he did lie. I am confused.

Taking this on another tangent, let's assume that Bill Clinton did engage in a sexual affair outside of marriage, and that he lied about it. Isn't this the type of behavior that Muslim terrorists use as justification for their quest against the west? - meaning that Bill Clinton's behavior did, in a sense, kill people?

And wasn't there a janitor in that aspirin factory?

2. "I Vote for Kids": I thought a person had to be an adult to run for public office. So how can someone vote for kids? Oh, the people putting this bumper sticker on their cars mean they vote for things that benefit kids? If that is the case, then why do they vote for candidates and issues that would lead to the utter subjugation of children (and everyone else, for that matter)? Maybe it's just me, but I would think "voting for (things that benefit) kids" means "I vote like an adult." Most people who do things "for kids" seem to act just like them.

3. "Wouldn't it be a great day when schools get all the money they need and the Air Force has to have a bake sale to get a new bomber?": How much money is enough for schools? The Washington D.C. and St. Louis, MO schools have some of the highest expenditures for education in the country. They also have some of the worst schools. Meanwhile, states such as South Dakota spend a relatively small amount for education, but have good schools. Could it be because schools in South Dakota actually want to teach their students what they need to know? My son had a friend who went to a "progressive" (public) school in Seattle. He couldn't add two plus two, but he could tell you 27 ways to recycle a newspaper.

As for the Air Force, who do these people think protects the right to put such asinine bumper stickers on cars? The ACLU? Yeah, like Osama cares what the ACLU thinks.

4. "To live like a Republican, vote for Democrats": Except for the Bush cabal, I thought Republicans were stupid, poor people that lived in trailer parks. Hmmm. Maybe this bumper sticker is right.

5. "Live simply, so that others may simply live.": I have seen no evidence that people are dying in Africa because I drive a car, own a DVD player, and can eat at McDonalds. I have seen plenty of evidence that people are dying in Africa due to totalitarian regimes, similar to the ones that some people -- the ones who put this bumper sticker on their cars -- do not want us to fight.

6. "Keep your laws out of my ovaries": In the DL thread "Love in Action", Bigel hypothesized:
"Here is this question taken a step further -- what if you found out the child you were carrying was going to grow up to be gay?
"What I do wonder is that if there is a gay gene (and I am one of those who thinks there is a genetic element to sexual orientation) and we can identify it, then there are actually some very severe moral dilemmas involved."
So what happens if medical science can identify whether a fetus does have the "gay" gene? What happens if women start having abortions because they do not want a gay child? How long will it be before this becomes an unacceptable reason for having an abortion, and becomes a "hate crime." So much for abortion not being anyone else's business. That may seem like a stretch, but how many things we face today seemed like a stretch when first predicted 30-40 years ago?

I am sure there are many more bumper stickers that seem to defy logic. What are some of the ones you have seen?
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Finally! A quiz!
So, comrades... Have you thought about how old is your inner you? Is your inner you old enough to enjoy a sugar crash perhaps?

(a sugar cube to floranista)
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'Dear God'
Read some letters to God after the jump and give a tomato to jlfintx who shared this very funny email with us.
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But it's a dry heat...
It's a 117 degrees in Las Vegas. I've never been in 117 degree weather in the States, the highest I've experienced is 108. However, I'm very familiar with summertime in Salonica: the thermometer may say 98 degrees but the added humidity makes it the real temperature: 140 degrees. This is my truth and I don't care what Ed says.
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guest author: Dave Ray
Only Available In The UK
Johnny Foreigner, curse your luck for not having access to these exclusively British things.

Page 3 Girls

It's the saucy seaside postcard, the Carry On film, or Robin Askwith's arse - that peculiarly British take on sex and nudity that usually involves wearing one's socks to bed. There's something so civilised and British about the nudity of Page 3's lovely ladies, too - pored over at breakfast table along with the crossword - that puts the rest of the planet to shame.


To the rest of the world, trains are merely something that gets you from A to B on time. Not in the UK. Here, dishevelled men in Parkas with notebooks and flask perched on station platforms noting numbers of the choo-choos (which are generally three quarters of an hour late).

The Gentry

Hoards of over fed, under bred posh folk with the slimmest of claims of being royalty roam the land in massive cars (Range Rovers and Bentleys) or chase mammals across their huge estates on horseback. Anywhere else there'd be a revolution.

Fish And Chips

When we eat the fruits of the sea, we don't want to be making eye contact with it. Chop the fishy's head off, rip out its spine and deep fry it. And thick cut chips, if you please. The more grease and fat the better.


Where the foreign type might favour a fancy bar serving wine by the glass or light beers in bottles, the British favour a boozer with snugs, dartboards and walls the colour of the inside of a smoker's lung. Oh, and beer that actually gets you drunk.

Village Fetes

Along with Morris dancing (above) and tombolas, proof that eccentricity, the kind that sells to American tourists, is still alive and well in parts of the UK. Nettle eating contests, cheese rolling and enormous great sideburns are what makes this country great.

Herberts, Chavs And Scallies

Sportswear clad scamps who, along with their scrunchie wearing sherbert/chavette/scalliette female counterparts, hang out pointlessly on our street corners flying a (fake) Burberry flag for British youth. Just don't ask them to look after your car. More info on this growing underclass can be found at www.chavscum.co.uk

And Finally

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
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Miracle Pill
I'm one of those people that really hate taking pills so I would love to just have one pill that contains a vitamin, an anti-histamine and a painkiller. Thanks to Israeli scientists, it looks like in a few years I'll be able to.
Take a pill, stop the sniffles, ease an upset stomach, cure AIDS, and call me in the morning.

Israeli start-up firm Intec Pharma has developed a capsule that can combine several types of medication at once and has completed its first round of tests, its director-general said on Sunday.

The pill contains material folding inside like an accordion that contain different substances. When swallowed, the pill releases the materials in order after it reaches the stomach or the intestines.

This allows for less concentrated active substances inside, which can prevent side effects and lessen the number of required doses.

A single pill could contain medicine to combat AIDs, digestive diseases, Parkinson’s Disease, influenza and more.

Intec Pharma plans to market the capsule within five years.
Israeli firm develops 'miracle pill'
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I wanna play! I wanna play!
Awright comrades, no quizzes today. Why don't you try and click the colour and not the word instead... Or you can play a game involving balls.

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Not having sex in Hong Kong
Hong Kongers don't know what to do between the sheets
Hong Kongers usually rank near-bottom of the international list of lovers and a social worker may have discovered why: they don't know what to do between the sheets.

Grace Wong of the southern Chinese territory's Family Planning Association said the number of inquiries at her agency rocketed 50 percent last year, with many clients claiming to have no idea how to have sex. "Some married couples are not familiar with their body parts," Wong was quoted as telling the Sunday Morning Post. "They don't know where their sex organs are. "They don't know the physical changes associated with sexual response, like males getting an erection," she added. Regular international surveys by condom manufacturers have found the city is less than amorous. Durex's last poll found Hong Kongers get it together 79 times a year, while the French manage it the most, at 137 times. Another poll even suggested Hong Kong men prefer to go to work rather than have sex. The frenetic work ethic in the former British colony is usually blamed for interfering with the course of nature. But the paper said sociologists believe Chinese sensibilities, which deem discussion of sex even in school as taboo, are responsible.
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Animal Kingdom
I always suspected that dogs love to laugh but I didn't know that rats did too. I also had read somewhere that crows can count to seven and then there's Alex, a parrot who understands the meaning of zero. And I didn't know that prairie dogs have words for humans, heck I didn't even know they had words. Another thing I didn't know: male monkeys pay to see female monkey bottoms. Hmm... I wonder if the female monkeys know that... Definite career opportunities there.
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Koreans are totally freaking awesome
You will agree that this is the unvarnished truth after you see this sexy...kung-fu...salsa...thing.
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I Pray for Omarion..
..that he gets some sense into his head and maybe even this thing called "sympathy for the victims".
London was the scene of carnage on Thursday after a series of deadly blasts but American R&B crooner Omarion, who suffered no injury or inconvenience, wants people to pray for him.

"Omarion was in London during the tragic bombings that struck this morning," a statement by the singer's publicist AR PR Marketing, released hours after the bombings, said.

Making no mention of the fatalities or casualties of the blasts, the singer's statement concluded, "He would like his fans to pray that he has a safe trip and a safe return home. He appreciates your support."

He was in London for Saturday's Live 8 show, his publicist Shana Gilmore told Reuters from Los Angeles. Asked why anyone should pray for him, Gilmore said, "He wasn't hurt or anything, but just the fact that he was there and all that."

Omarion was the teenaged lead singer of the chart-topping band B2K before going solo. The 20-year-old's first solo album "O" debuted at No. 1 of Billboard charts earlier this year.
In London, uninjured singer Omarion seeks prayers
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Poor Ugly Sam
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Potty Talk
I don't like unisex bathrooms, some guys pee all over the place so I'd rather not share a bathroom with them. I also don't like airplane bathrooms and train bathrooms, but that's a sort of phobia and too weird to explain. One more thing I don't like about public bathrooms is having people in the stall next to me, it feels too intimate. That I think is common, I remember reading some study a few years ago, researchers would stand at certain distances from subjects (all males, who had no idea their peeing was being studied) and found that the smaller the distance, the more difficult it was for people to pee.

Anatomy and culture conspire against women in public toilets
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guest author: packen
Frau Brunnhilda
Repressed memory, telepathy and other stuff that goes "bump" in the night

A few weeks ago we had a thread dealing with “repressed memory�?, which brought me back to unrepressed but forgotten memories of a whole rash of child abuse cases in California, Washington State, NJ some years ago. If I recall correctly, those cases involved day care providers implicated in child abuse and devil worshiping. The defendants were eventually vindicated, but not after having their lives thoroughly ruined. The consensus was that children were “led�? and encouraged by prosecutors and/or counselors into making up stories. Some people still believe that something did happen, children never lie, they may have vivid imaginations, but how can they come up with description of events they never experienced which seem to be consistent with other stories (such as satanic rituals). So were they actually “led�?, as in “provided with a script�?, or was there more to it? I think there was, and I will regale you with a couple of anecdotes from my own experience which got me thinking (bad idea, I know).

We moved to Wisconsin when Michael was a year-and-a-half old and not having any friends or family here, we never went out, and when we did, we shlepped him with--never trusted babysitters. One day, when Michael was about 3-years-old and misbehaving horribly, I announced that I’ve had enough, too much coddling doesn’t seem to get us anywhere, so I should follow advice of some friends and call on the services of the famed local babysitter (imaginary)–Frau Brunnhilda. Frau Brunnhilda was described as an old German lady who was very strict with her wards and her idea of entertainment was heavy-duty housecleaning. It seemed to work like a charm. The name was invoked only once, a few months later, with earth-shattering results: “No, no, no! No Brunnhilda!�?

Three years went by, by which time my mother moved into town. We were driving somewhere, with Michael in the back seat, when I mentioned to Pete how nice it is to have my mother around so we can go out for some adult entertainment sans Michael.

“Yeah,�? he piped in vehemently, “instead of leaving me with that horrible Brunnhilda�?.
“Yeah, like we ever did...�?
“YES, YOU DID!!!�?
“Oh, care to tell us about it?�?
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RIP Luther Vandross
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Here fishie, fishie, fishie...

Thai fishermen catch catfish believed to be world's largest

Of course there's catfish and there's catfish. If you go fishing this weekend, make sure you have the appropriate gear.
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My bank balance and me
And all this time I thought I was the only financially-immature person in the world! One in five people 'avoid bank balance'. I'm the one in the five! I hate checking my bank balance because it's always less than I think.
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The terrible secret of Scientology
I was exposed to Scientology very briefly, shortly after I came to the States. I had stopped to light a cigarette near a door to some office and this cute guy offered me a light and we started chatting. He asked me if I knew about Dianetics and invited me in and gave me a copy. He wanted to go over it with me - by that time I was getting very bored - and he emphasized how important it was that I understood the language. He pointed at a chair and asked me if I understood what a chair was. I said I thought so and he made me repeat "it's a chair." We did that several times and then we did the same thing with the table. I don't know if this was some esoteric procedure or if he wanted to make sure I understood English.

Anyway, my interest in Scientology was shortened from zero to none and I did try to read "Dianetics" but it was, as the following article describes, "fantastically dull." And the book doesn't include the good parts:
Scientologists say they withhold this information because learning it can drive the unprepared person insane and give you pneumonia, but it's all over the Web, and it strikes me as far less likely to cause suffering than Hubbard's prose.

Critics say the church hushes up this story -- it involves an evil demiurge who, 75 million years ago, blew up 178 billion souls with hydrogen bombs planted in Earth's volcanoes, trapped them on "electrical strips," brainwashed them and packaged them into clusters that now cling to every human being and mess with our bodies and heads -- for two reasons.
I'm not sure what's an evil demiurge, but... could it be?
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Saving Africa
Awright, so the show's on for Saturday: Live 8: The Rock-and-Roll Saviors. Here's what I don't understand: all these stars support suffering children, they're worried about peace and alleviating hunger and so on. Well, they're also like the fucking richest people in the world! And here's the Brits, another bunch of rich people who are tsk-tsking about little hungry children. And then, there's the really-really rich. Now if aid to Africa falls short by $50 billion, as they say, and these people's combined wealth is three gazillion billion, I don't understand why innocent people have to be subjected to Madonna's singing when these guys could throw in a couple of million each and save Africa single-handedly.

By the way, here's a real celebrity. You'd never see him on television though.
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Help me mister, I need to stretch!
Hello, straight men... Wouldn't you like to use your mouse to help some poor girl get some exercise?

(Via Truth. Quante-fied.)
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Who reads and who watches TV
Thirty thousand people in 30 countries were surveyed from December 2004 to February 2005, on how much television they watch, how many hours they spend reading and how much time they spend online. The overall average of television watching is 16.6 hours a week. Americans watch an average of 19 hours a week, less than people in Indonesia, Turkey, Egypt, Philippines and Thailand. We also read an average of 5.7 hours a week, the same as Germany and a little higher than Italy, but below the global average of 6.5 and way less than people in India who read 10.7 hours a week. And who spends the most time online - and not work related either? The Taiwanese.

NOP World Culture Score(TM) Index Examines Global Media Habits... Uncovers Who's Tuning In, Logging On and Hitting the Books
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guest author: Thousand Sons
Excelsior, true believers!

Sorry! I've always wanted to use that line!

This is Thousand Sons coming at you about that fine fershlugginer art form...

Comic books!

Comic books are more than just funny pictures on cheap paper. They embody the human desire for imagining other worlds, other places, magic, myths and monsters.

"When I was a child, ladies and gentleman, I was a dreamer. I read comic books, and I was the hero in the movie. So every dream I ever dreamed has come true a hundred times... I learned very early in life that: "Without a song, the day would never end; without a song, a man ain't got a friend; without a song, the road would never bend -- without a song." So I keep singing my song."
-Elvis Presley

Down through the ages man has communicated his imagination through art. From those first paintings in Lascaux to today, artists were telling a story through pictures.

Comic books have been a big part of my life for a long time. I've read and collected comics for about 26 years. I love going to conventions, most notably the Emerald City Comic Con. Its always good to see what the rest of the tribe is up to. Thats how I look at comic collectors and fans: as one big tribe. Sometimes querulous, but our love of the four-color medium brings us together. Kinda like Bloggie.

So tell me, my tribe:

What's your favorite comic book? Your favorite hero or villain? Any time period or era, doesn't matter.

Do you have an interesting story associated with comics? A triumph? A tragedy?

Sing me your song....

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Bellydancing in Egypt
Cairo will hold a belly-dancing festival this week, with over 700 participants from over 30 countries. Egyptian bellydancers are actually government employees who must be licensed by the Ministry of Culture in order to perform and it's a great challenge for them to keep their art alive in the midst of the religious fundamentalism that has spread in Egypt. As the founder of the Reda Dance Troupe says, "there exists a very strange love/hate relationship with the dance. Everyone wants to have a dancer at a wedding, but they will not accept their daughter becoming a professional dancer."
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'Get Out, Damned One'
We know Saddam as So-So Warrior, Malevolent Leader, Executioner of Thousands, Durian of the Middle East, but we haven't examined one of his lesser qualities: Author-That-Nobody-Reads. To make sure that even more people will not read Saddam's latest non-bestseller, Jordan banned the publication of the book which has the catchy title "Get Out, Damned One" and the very original theme of bad Jews plotting to take over things and good Arabs defeating them.
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ev and zorkie
Dances With Typos' 33rd Annual 20th Birthday Party Thread
Happy Birthday Dances With Typos! zorkie googled for "images of sexy 50 year old men" to give everyone an idea of how sexy you are but apparently there aren't any. Well, that's all right, Google may not think you're sexy, but we do.


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
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'Parenthetical Parent'
Forget those statistics showing that fathers are playing an ever-increasing role in the lives of their small children. Daddies who change diapers, cart the little one to the pediatrician or help cook for Baby Dearest rate barely a mention in the typical child-care book, Fleming and Tobin of Gannon University in Pennsylvania claim in an article for the journal Psychology of Men & Masculinity.

Instead, they found that recently published guides to raising babies, when they mentioned dads at all, typically perpetuated outdated stereotypes that portray fathers as being little more than what these researchers termed the "parenthetical parent."
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Petition To Stop It With The Petitioning, Already!
In a fit of pique after yet another pointless and whiny petition which will be ignored, RIP Ford brings you the Online Petition to End Online Petitions Petition
To: Online Petitions

I'm Shocked, Appalled, and Dismayed that all these useless petitions waste my valuable time and eat valuable internet space. I could be looking at porn right now!

They should be removed from the internet and their creators taken out back behind the barn and shot.


The Undersigned
I signed!
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Sean Penn Reporting from Tehran
Judith Weizner has a very funny take on Sean Penn's visit to Iran on "assignment" from the San Francisco Chronicle: Sean Penn's First Report from Iran.
After I rested up I went to a prayer meeting at a mosque to see what the locals were saying about the election. I figured they’d be talking about it between prayers, or maybe before and after. Of course I don’t speak Farsi or Arabic or any of their beautiful languages, but I figured I could get the gist of it, and anyway, the paper got me this great translator who says I should just call him Shahid even though his name is something like Adarhormazd. He said it would be easier to remember. I know I can trust him to be accurate because he’s an official translator, so there’s no chance of his just making it up as he goes along.

The sermon was really remarkable. I can’t believe how much these people are like us, Phil. Shahid told me the Ayatollah was urging his followers to vote in such a way as to make America angry. Do you suppose Howie Dean has been doing any consulting here? Just kidding. Everybody knows the Republicans have the lock on anger.
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guest author: Puppy Love
North American Animal/Boy Love Association
I found your site searching for gorgeous pet pics and other interesting links. But when I saw this link by someone named IBC Frank, under the title "10 Rules for Dating my Dog" I felt compelled to comment as this is an area of special expertise for me, I hope you would allow me a guest post.

First let me say that speaking as the founder of the North American Animal/Boy Love Association, this is a terrible travesty of justice. The most glaringly unfair aspect of this story becomes apparent when we take a look at this "fetching" picture of the "victim":

Image hosted by Photobucket.com HELLLOOO! Princess is not a dainty little poodle, she is a PITBULL! Despite all of her charms, I can assure you from personal experience that NOBODY has his or her way with a pitbull without mutual consent! I mean think about it! So with that obvious fallacy out of the way, lets look at the real story here. This boy is the true victim of judgemental "morality" stormtroopers whose narrow view of what's right and wrong was taken from some brass ten commandments that should have been removed from their local courthouse decades ago. "Though shall not covet thy neighbor's property" indeed! If these weepy "owners" loved Princess so much, why did they consider her property in the first place instead of a passionate vibrant creature with desires of her own? I know it is a shock when these people realize that Fifi or Queenie isn't their little puppy anymore, but it is a fact of life! Deal with it people!

And as for this young man, he may have been a bit indiscreet, but whose fault is that? We as a society have really let him down and now he must pay the price. Certainly as the recent verdict in Michael Jackson's trial shows, we have made great strides in realizing that everyone has a right to their own morality. Relations between adults and consenting children with well compensated parents will soon be commonplace as long as everyone gets free passes to the theme park. In fact it probably won't be long until Disney World and Six Flags cottons on to this promising market. And our public schools have finally stopped the madness of telling our children that their hormones can in any way be controlled and have instead wisely focused on making sure everybody tolerates each other and has enough condoms to last through the week. The success of these programs has become evident to both teachers and the student body. So how hypocritical is it to tell this boy his feelings are wrong just because he is a little different? And who gets to decide that anyways? Greek mythology, which is the true basis of our society, is full of beautiful tales inter-species love. Are we to condemn this lad because some uptight puritans got here first and started making all the laws? My point is, if this boy had been properly educated in the school system as to the proper way to have a mutually satisfying relationship with Princess, this whole tragedy would have been averted.

Let's not make him the scapegoat for the failures of our society as a whole.
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guest author: cba
The Loo-liness of the Long-Distance Runner
Some of you may remember The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner, the 1959 book by British author Alan Sillitoe, or the 1962 movie of the same name. Much more recently (in 2003) Russell Taylor published The Looniness of the Long-Distance Runner, a title that to my mind is far more accurate--I’ve found running to be a highly social activity and not the least bit lonely, whereas you certainly have to be at least a bit insane to run long distances.

Jefe commented that he didn’t realize the importance of bathroom facilities when you’re going to be running a long distance. So, with a nod to my British heritage, I’m going to discuss “The Loo-liness of the Long-Distance Runner.�?

Adult content warning!

OK, that’s not quite accurate. It’s more like 4-year-old content warning. But if you dislike discussions of pee and poo, please move promptly to the next post.

Now, as I was saying…
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Some people love having houseguests, my mom is one of them, she loves having people over. Me, it depends on the people. I like houseguests who are independent and easygoing and who don't expect me to entertain them. What I usually get though is people who can't drive, who are unhappy with everything and who expect me to take them to Disneyland. Which I refuse to do. 'We Were Just Passing Through': Houseguest Horror Stories -- and a Few Happy Surprises
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You know what we haven't done in a long time? Say hi to Osama. Or are you not in the mood? Do you want to talk literature instead? Or we can always put our feet up and just have coffee...

(A Greek coffee for floranista)
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Happy ******** packen!
As some of you may know, today is packen's ********. It's one of those dreadful events that thankfully only come once a year, maybe twice, okay three times if you just changed jobs and want a day off. Since Michael is not around to shower his mom with gifts, love and unconditional acceptance, it's up to us comrades to make her day pleasant and take her mind off her only son running around in some strange country, with who knows what kind of girls, drinking Yemenite concoctions.

So what can we do for packen today, you ask? What do you think?

Post 'em if you got 'em
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ev and zorkie
Happy Anniversary Mr and Mrs floranista!

May you always be happy and healthy, and may your lives stay filled with beautiful flowers


Much love,

ev, zorkie, bloggie

P.S. There is a cake for you in the diner :-)
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Michael Jackson Not Guilty! Race Riot?
Just joking about the riot part. Here's a very happy Jackson fan: not guilty thaNK GOD,WITH HIS FATHER IN VILLAGE

As for me, I don't think a middle-aged man who likes to sleep with children and has faced accusations of child molestation twice should have been acquitted. But I wasn't in the jury so I'll just shut up.
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Never on Sunday
...so let's just pretend it's Saturday. Now tell us about your sex habits!

What kind of kisser are you?

What's your sexy Brazilian name?

And your stripper name?

Ladies, we also need to know the names of your boobies and gentlemen, please tell us the name of your penis.

This concludes our sex survey. Thank you and you may put your clothes back on.
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Job opportunity for Rugby and Soccer
Rats are called in to defuse landmines
Zagreb - Croatia is considering using specially trained rats to help neutralise unexploded landmines left over from the 1990s Croatian-Serbian war.

A media report yesterday said that Belgium had offered to provide Croatia with the trained African rats.

Rats have been described as a cheap and efficient way to remove landmines.

After being released into the minefield, they sniff out the landmines and after detecting one they start to scratch the ground, alerting their handlers.

"Basically, it's the same principle as with dogs, but unlike dogs, which sometimes got blown away due to their weight, rats do not have such problems and rats also do not get bored so easily," Nikola Pavkovic, an official of the Croatian Demining Centre, told a German news agency.

He said the large African rats, each weighing 3kg, would first have to undergo a period of adjustment to south-eastern Europe's climate and environment.

The demining rats have already been used successfully in Mozambique in a project funded by the Belgian government and the European Union. - Sapa-DPA
These are nearly seven pound African rats, people! I bet they'd frighten zorkie's dogs…
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Additional Protocols Found!
There are more Protocols of the Elders of Zion than we previously knew. This is very exciting news and it explains everything and you can read the whole thing right here. (It's all a secret of course, so keep your big mouth shut and don't tell anybody. Especially the you-know-who.)
1891: The Tiny French Elevator Protocol means dozens of French claustrophobics are forced to take the stairs, resulting in many hours of lost work time. Leaving for their offices early in order to compensate, these poor gentiles are forced to drink less coffee, resulting in a 0.000000385% fall in coffee exports from both Africa and South America, and a general feeling of sluggishness, or else to drink faster, causing hypertension. Possibly related to the growth of the divorce rate in northern Europe. American tourists, shocked at the stinginess of French elevators, begin planning holidays in the Poconos.

1895: The Sound and Light Protocol calls for the invention of moving pictures. Auguste and Louis Lumierewitz change their names and go undercover to plant the seeds of globalized bad taste. A visionary plan. Mass panic ensues but is quickly replaced by inertia. Jewish grain dealers around the world diligently unload tons of otherwise worthless kernels of dried corn devoid of flavor. International Jewish Conspiracy members celebrate at the home of a man named Oscar.

1920: The Eighteenth Amendment Protocol is enacted by the puppet Congress of the United States and becomes more widely known as Prohibition. At least fourteen people die at the mere idea of the ban; seizing their chance, the Elders of Zion institute the Mafia, create the Canadian border, and invent bootleg liquor. Meanwhile, unprecedented incidents of sober driving incite car manufacturers to build increasingly fast vehicles. Coupled with crippling traffic, these potential speeds will one day lead to a phenomenon known to the gentiles as Road Rage, but to International Jewish Conspiracy members by its more accurate and menacing name, Goy Rage.
via Eric the Unread
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guest author: Fay
G8 and Live 8
The upcoming G8 summit and Live 8 have inspired many a good article both funny and serious. All bear reading.

Firstly, from Dave Ray's blog and then from today's London Times.

The French Connection, Sacre Bleu Bob!

Here's Steyn.

Of course, our roundup wouldn't be complete without the requisite drabble from MSM

Meanwhile that mean old Sir Bob, has spiced the girls.
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guest author: Rugby the Rat
TAFG!! you are it PRIMATE LADY!!!

hello nice primate ZORKIE or as you wuld say _sta ellenika_:

i am rugby & in case you have frogotten, I am a *RAT*.

and i have a fabulous idea for your DL blog?! which is baltantly ripped off from the MUsic and movie threads but you dont have to tell people that!!!

ok here is the idea. get a pncil and paper to write it down!! ready??

(1) WHAT?! are your top 3 favorite foodstuffs *IF* somoeone else is cookign?

(2) what are yout top 3 favorite EZ-to-make "comfrot foods"?

(3) what is is one food that you will NEVER try bescause it sounds too disgustnig?

(4) what is one very digustign food that you DO plan to try someday to porve to your [friends, sPouse, homosexual companoin, childern] that you have testixcles/obvaries?

my answers:

(1) (a) rost CHICKEN BONE!! w/ meat & fatty skin and marrow inside!!
(b) banana w/ nutella & dry cat food... mmm all teh food groups
(c) pasta, pasta, pasta! w/ garlicky tommato SAuce to make it moer PRETTY in my mouth?!

(2) (a) CORN fished fresh from swimmign pool!!!

(b) fersh salad greens! (dark ones are tsastier and better for you)

(c) lucky chrams cereal... faith i' begorrah, tis good eatin!

(3) Fried rat! no just kidding...i would porbably try IF it was made from a certin rat that i know of... HMM this is a tough one actually. but i guess i'll say that I dont like very sour stuff like lemons and pickles.

(4) easy question: sea penises!!! as seen on bolggie!!



P.S. oh one more question tht doesnt apply to me but maybe you primates would fnid intresting?!: what is a food you like now but hated as a child, i.e. an acqwired taste that you DIDNT EXPCT to acquire???

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Misunderstood 11-year-old girl terrorises town
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guest author: Dave Ray
...almost out of breath...TAG!
Well, music and books have been taken so I'll have to pick another subject close to my heart. My true passion apart from Tottenham Hotspur, music and politics is movies. (Oh and my future wife obviously....Oooops).

This is my tag to all of you. I want to know..

1. First film you saw in cinema?
2. Do you actually enjoy DVD extras? Or would you prefer a cheaper disc with just the film?
3. The five films that remind you of your teens?
4. The greatest film of all time?

....and as a extra bonus.....

5. Which movie star would play you in your life story?

Here are my answers.

1. Crocodile Dundee - I was young Ok!
2. Cheaper DVD!
3. a) The Breakfast Club b) Can't Buy Me Love c) Gremlins d) The Goonies e) Return Of The Jedi
4. Europa, Europa

and finally......I think a more Jewish looking Bruce Willis would be adequate (the hairline would be correct) but he'd have to get in shape!
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Counting the bloggie crazies
Attention comrades!

Please tell us which historical lunatic you are so we can order you the appropriate uniform. We also need to know your Hawaiian name, for demographic purposes.

(A bowl of cherries to floranista. Don't swallow the pits!)
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I'll email you from church
And here I thought people went to church to spend time with God...
British telecoms operator BT Group Plc has wired up a church in Wales to allow the congregation to hook onto local high-speed Internet connections when they want a break from the sermon. Britain's largest fixed-line telecoms operator said on Tuesday it had installed a Wi-Fi wireless network access point, known as a hotspot, in Reverend Keith Kimber's St John's Rectory church in the city of Cardiff.

"The church has to move with the times and I wanted to make St John's a sanctuary for everyone, including business people with laptops and mobiles," Kimber said in a statement issued by BT. "I have no problem with people quietly sending an email or surfing the Internet in church, as long as they respect the church."
Well, as long as they read bloggie, I have no problem either. Actually that's not true. Do I really want people reading bloggie from church? It's bad enough that I curse but to think that someone is reading my cursing while they're in church, it's...I dunno...it seems so wrong! Which brings me to my next question: if someone reads my cursing while they're in church, am I going to go to hell or are they?

Prayers are answered for distracted congregation
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The pets of the plant world
Shocking news! Studies show that flowers are beautiful and make people happy!
The first study involved 147 women. All those who got flowers smiled. Make a note: all of them. That's the kind of statistical significance scientists love. Among the women who got candles, 23 percent didn't smile. And 10 percent of those who got fruit didn't smile.
I wonder how many people would smile if they got this in a bouquet though, here's a photo of it. I'm sure I'd smile about the candles and flowers but I don't think I'd smile about the fruit. Well, unless it was cherries and apricots, then I would definitely smile. Anyway, read this interesting theory (which is what the article is really about): Human Affection Altered Evolution of Flowers
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Interesting show on PAX
If you get PAX, this new show they have called Lie Detector will have Jeff Gannon and a Swift Vet on this Tuesday. I'll be watching, though it sounds pretty cheesy to be honest.
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The 2005 Miss Universe contest will be held in Bangkok on Monday.

I don't watch pageants but my grandma does and then talks my ear off about the girls. Well not all of the girls, usually just about Miss Greece, how beautiful she is and how tall she is and how smart she is and how she saved a child from being run over by a truck - several children she's saved!- and how she cured AIDS and how everyone loves her. Grandma was so happy when Greece won the Eurovision contest, she forgot to complain about the weather and the plumbing and the neighbors and the arthritis in her ear. I sincerely hope the Greek contestant wins this one too.

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One click, two quizzes!
Okay, today's quizzes are: "what classic movie are you?" and "which famous leader are you?" But you know what's really cool? If you click here, you get both quizzes for the price of one click! How economical is that?! So economize, comrades! If you have two clicks, give one to your neighbor! Don't click-hoard! And no more washing your underwear with hot water! Hot water is for senior comrades only!

(a bucket of hot water to floranista)
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King Sihanouk has a blog
It's very interesting, this blog by Cambodia's King Sihanouk. You can read all about it after the jump. I just wanted to highlight this part:
Sihanouk's Web site, which incorporates his blog in French, Khmer or English, attracts about 1,000 visitors daily from around the world.
Yeah, we're two or three times bigger than King Sihanouk. King Shnooky, (I can call you King Shnooky, right?) I'd like to take this opportunity to offer you the unprecedented, once-in-a-lifetime chance to triple your readership by joining us. Dump that dowdy old "Déclarations, Mises au point, Messages, Lettres de Sa Majesté Norodom Sihanouk". It's not even in English! We've been called "A Very Huge blog about international issues". You're just "A Very Tiny blog about what King Sihanouk thinks". I can see the synergies already. Let's merge! We have now blogrolled you. If you should refuse our generous offer, we will immediately delink you, you ungrateful upstart.

Update: We've extended the deadline.
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That is a very bad dog! Do NOT go potty in parliament!
I wish Mbeki had stepped in it, that AIDS-denying, Mugabe-loving tyrant-in-waiting.
Inkatha Freedom Party leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi was "astounded" to find a turd on the floor in front of his bench in parliament.
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Chia Spector
If Janette couldn't resist how could I...
Common Sense Runs Wild: My Obsession With Phil Spector's Head

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Thieving Brits!
Question: Should you return stolen property in your possession if you know it's stolen?

My answer: Yes.
Your answer: You'll tell me in the comments.
Great Britain's answer: No.

Britain's Attorney-General had asked the High Court to establish whether the British Museum has a moral duty to return property obtained by stealing or looting.
The British Museum is barred by law from handing back four Old Master drawings even though it has agreed they were looted by the Nazis.

Vice Chancellor Sir Andrew Morritt ruled today in the High Court that the British Museum Act – which protects the collections for posterity – cannot be overridden by a “moral obligation" to return works known to have been plundered.
The case involved four paintings stolen by the Nazis from a Jewish collector in the 1930s; the museum wants to return them to their rightful owner but British law prevents it from disposing of anything in its collection. Well, speaking of looted property:
A British court case over art looted by the Nazis could pave the way for Britain to return Greece's Elgin Marbles, whose ownership the two countries have long disputed.
The ownership of the Parthenon Marbles should not be disputed at all: they were stolen from the Parthenon by the British ambassador who then sold them to the British museum. What's to dispute? He stole our marbles and we want them back!
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Next up: long fingernails
A&E doctors are calling for a ban on long pointed kitchen knives to reduce deaths from stabbing.

A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said violent crime is on the increase - and kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

They argued many assaults are committed impulsively, prompted by alcohol and drugs, and a kitchen knife often makes an all too available weapon.

The research is published in the British Medical Journal.

The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all.
BBC NEWS | Health | Doctors' kitchen knives ban call
Thimbleful of cognac: RIP Ford.
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Laws, laws, laws
If you live in Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi and North Dakota, you shouldn't just be living together with your significant other, you should be married. And no unmarried sex if you live in Illinois (you hear that, evariste?) or Minnesota or South Carolina or Utah. In Virginia, don't hunt on Sundays unless you're hunting raccoons. Do not import, repeat, do not import any skunks in Tennessee, and if you live in Connecticut, don't store the town records in a liquor store. Just don't.

Odd U.S. state laws ban owning skunks, swearing
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Changing Names
Changing names of boulevards and streets is a fairly common practice in Greece. Street names would usually reflect politics of the time, some streets would be named after dictators and royalists only to change names again when a democratic government took power.

The major thoroughfare near my house in Salonica was called "Kennedy Boulevard" back in the days when Greece was friendly to America, and renamed "Alexander the Great Boulevard" when we decided we didn't like Americans so much any more. For a few years after that people would refer to the place by both names and taxi drivers, our wonderful Greek roadmaps-on-wheels, of course knew both.

In 1997, when Salonica was Cultural Capital of Europe, Plateia Eleftherias (Liberty Square) was renamed Plateia Evraion Martyron (Jewish Martyrs' Square) to commemorate the events of July 11, 1942. On that date, the Germans ordered all Jewish males between the ages of 18 and 45 (about 10,000 people) to assemble in the square and forced them to do calisthenics all day, in the hot summer sun, in order to determine who was fit to be sent to slave labour camps. People who fainted from the heat were shot. It was the begining of the deportation of the Jews of Salonica.

I thought the name change was a wonderful idea, it meant that Salonica was coming to terms with her past. I read about it while I was in the States so when I went home a few months later I excitedly asked my friends and family what they thought of the name change. They didn't know about it. Neither did the taxi drivers when I would ask. And you know, if the taxi drivers don't know the new name...

Anyway, here's what got me thinking about this subject: White protesters want to keep Pretoria's "Boer" name
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On a Texas Sunday morning
Of course, after reading this:
A staff sergeant in the Royal Dragoons tank regiment has become an unlikely star after recording a spoof version of the No 1 hit song, Is This The Way to Amarillo.

Staff Sergeant Roger Parr shot the video at their base in Al Faw, Iraq, before e-mailing it back to army friends in the UK. But so many soldiers tried to download the video that it brought down the Ministry of Defence computer servers.

The song was released for Comic Relief earlier this year with comedian Peter Kay miming to Tony Christie’s 1971 original. In the squaddies' spoof, Parr marches through the Iraqi camp mimicking the comedian and summoning up fellow squaddies along the way. Two were dressed only in underpants and webbing while others appear with towels while shaving.

At the end of the video three portable loos come into shot with the doors swinging open on two to reveal a couple of naked squaddies sitting on the toilets.

The Sun newspaper reported today that each download used up 52 megabytes of bandwidth, causing not just the MoD server in Whitehall to crash but one at Strike Command headquarters at High Wycombe, Bucks.

The newspaper added that defence chiefs were left with only phones for communication for five hours.

An MoD spokesman said last night: "The video is brilliant. The soldiers maintaining their morale on operations is always important.

"The fact that it proved so popular in the office and caused the system to crash is unfortunate but this did not affect operations and the system is up and running again."

The Dragoon Guards were on a six-month Iraq tour when the video was shot and are now back at their base in Munster, Germany.
I had to see the damn video. So I hunted it down! It's hysterical, these guys are having way too much fun with this. So click and watch it already.
click picture to play video
Lyrics beneath the fold.
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Comrade Survey #3,063.5
Fess up comrades!

What kind of toilet paper are you?

What is your precise national match?

What is your redneck name?

Completion of the quizzes is mandatory if you want pudding.

(strawberries and cream to floranista)
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The riddle master
Dan Chamizer, a former air force pilot, is Israel's riddle master. He has created riddles for newspapers, for television stations, banks and schools, and has launched national treasure hunts. His show on Israel Radio draws thousands of listeners and the name Chamizer is now part of Israeli slang.

Read the article after the jump and here's a little chamizer for you:

What is more powerful than God, more evil than the devil, owned by the poor and needed by the rich?
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guest author: Marine Momma
The most blessed woman on this earth
When people ask me how many children I have, I know I'll get either one of two reactions. The first one is a dropped jaw, wide eyes, and a comment about me being Catholic or not having had figured out how I get pregnant to begin with. The second reaction is a smile and a comment about how blessed I am. My hubby, Dale, and I feel like we are blessed to the max too.

We didn't start out thinking about have 10 kids, but the more that came, the happier we were. It hasn't been easy, Dale was a dispatcher for years before losing his job and starting up a cleaning business, but God has met us at every road block and has helped out through each one. I've become a pro at being cheap:) I used to live at garage sales and swap with other people for clothing, but after we moved out to our present home I found an organization that is like Goodwill, but it's all free! It didn't take long to get to know the owner and the lady who owns it knows what my kids like so she'll hold something back for them at times.

Our kids ages are 24, 21, 18, 15, 12, 9, 6, 4, 2, and we sadly lost our 9th child in a miscarriage. The first 3 were trial and error in parenting (I'm surprised our first came out as good as she did and without any emotional baggage too:) but I'm used to stages now and am more apt to roll my eyes and make a smart comment instead of becoming unglued. A lot of times I have 3 people talking to me at the same time and then being upset that I didn't understand it all!

We homeschool the kids and I love the one on one with each of them. It's fun to watch them learn a new concept and really get it. When they're all together I sit back and watch them interact with each other. There are the normal fights and slights, but I see them stick up for each other alot too. My oldest routinely takes one or more of the little ones for the day, one to spend time with them and two to give me a break. I really appreciate that. When my 21 year old son was in Iraq last year it weighed on most of us. When we would send him a box the kids would all make cards for him. The kids are already counting the days to when he'll be home this summer.

Meals are something, especially if I have a child learning to cook. The older ones take turns cooking and there are some dishes you really pray they get a better handle on. My 4 year old is on eating strikes lately but the 2 year old eats anything and everything. Our days are a lot alike, up in the morning, school and then play time or errands. I'm trying to get all of the kids to be more responsible in cleaning their rooms, right now the boys are winning:) My passion is gardening and right now my 4 year old is my shadow and is learning the names of the flowers. He likes to sow seeds with me but can't understand why they don't just up and grow right then. My girls like to pick the flowers after they have bloomed for awhile. Most of our fruit trees flowered this spring and I'm praying hard that we get some fruit before the deer get it.

Most of the time our life is hectic yet boring, but I still believe I am the most blessed woman on this earth!!
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The Tattoo and You
Do you have a tattoo? Most of my friends have one. I've always wanted a tattoo but I can't make up my mind about what it should be and there are needles involved and it's sort of permanent, as in "forever." I might as well get married.

I did get a temporary tattoo once, it was a little scorpion and it lasted about ten days. I thought it would make me special, even in a fake sort of way but nothing happened.
According to some published reports, around 20 percent of Americans aged 18 to 25 are getting tattooed. Skin motifs are increasingly shedding their subversive image, some tattoo artists said. And women, who were once scarce in tattoo parlors, now make up about half the clientele, they added.
Artists concerned tattoos losing nonconformist lure
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Trailer park hotties
At retroCRUSH, check out the fan fiction inspired by trailer-home brochure models.
"Oh enough of that. Maybe we can play some games. Do you like cards? My favorite card games are "Poke-her" and "Pee-Knuckle", if you know what I mean!"
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Comrade Evaluations
Attention comrades! We need the following information from all of you for very important scientific reasons!

1. Are you a hippie?

2. Do you have a pimp name?

3. Can you complete this very important task?

Free lunch tokens to all who qualify!

(thimblefuls of cognac to floranista and jim russell)
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Going 'West'
Check out what's happening in Saudi Arabia: Makeup, Hairdo and a Gutra, Too
“A little eyeliner, a few light streaks in the hair and even up the eyebrows," doesn’t sound too unusual for a beauty parlor, but now some guys with gutras are getting gussied up, too.

It’s not unusual these days to see men with makeup on their face. The number of Saudi men visiting barbershops for makeup and makeovers is on the rise. In the past, most barbershops had little equipment unrelated to haircuts. These days, they have equipment rivaling a women’s beauty salon.

This new fad is acceptable among many young Saudis who take it as a normal thing to do, but older people and most conservatives maintain it should be for women only.

“The number of strange, male ‘beauty barbershops’ has increased these days to a dangerous level," said Abu Murad, a 43-year-old Saudi. “It’s not strange anymore to see young Saudis with funny haircuts and makeup."

Murad thinks it’s a breakdown of society and culture. “I think barbershops that offer these services should be closed down," he said. “I blame it largely on a lack of parental supervision and the influence of television."
Or maybe it's a change in the air? Saudi Teens Go ‘West’

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Happy Orgasm Day
In Esperantina, Brazil, the city council has declared May 9 Orgasm Day. So um...have fun everyone!
Espertantina Mayor Felipe Santolia endorsed the May 9 holiday, which he said was intended to improve relationships between married couples.

"We're celebrating orgasm in all its senses. There's even a panel discussion on premature ejaculation. But from what I've seen, women have more trouble achieving orgasm than men, especially in marriage," Santolia said by telephone from Esperantina, 1,300 miles north of Rio de Janeiro.

Santolia said the remote town of 38,000 people has been unofficially celebrating orgasm day for years, but that the town's former mayor had vetoed a bill making it an official municipal holiday.

The city council passed a law Saturday creating the holiday. Santolia, who took office earlier this year, said he would sign the bill later Monday.

"I'm 32, single and I have an open mind. Beside the theme is very much of the moment," he said.

Orgasm Day celebrations include a series of panel discussions by sexologists from across Brazil and a presentation of Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues."

Santolia said the idea of celebrating Orgasm Day at first created a scandal in this poor region, known for its religious fervor. But he said residents gradually residents warmed to the idea.
Brazilian Town Declares Orgasm Day
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Bales of cocaine? Try tides of cocaine...
For centuries the sea sustained the Marshall Islands, yielding fish to eat and contact with explorers and traders in one of the loneliest parts of the Pacific.

But the residents of the tiny tropical nation are now struggling to deal with an entirely unexpected ocean bounty: a huge consignment of cocaine.

Last March dozens of packets of the drug washed up on the palm-fringed beaches of Ebeye, one of more than 1,000 coral islands which make up the Marshall Islands.

The neatly-wrapped bricks, which police believe were dumped overboard by drug runners fleeing the US Coast Guard, weighed 60lb and were seized by the authorities.

More accustomed to coconuts than cocaine, the islands have no history of drug abuse but the unusual jetsam was to change that.

It has now emerged that some of the cocaine was stolen from a police station. With more packages probably found by beachcombing islanders, Ebeye is now awash with the stuff. The cocaine, selling in small bags for only five dollars, has found a ready market.

Although the Marshall Islands were described by Robert Louis Stevenson in 1889 as "the pearl of the Pacific", Ebeye is now little more than a slum.

Its 12,000 inhabitants live in crowded one-room shacks made of plywood, crammed together on the 80-acre island. Around 1,500 of them work at a large US military base nearby, on Kwajelein Island, used to test intercontinental ballistic missiles.

Since the cocaine washed ashore, 14 locals have been charged with possession of the drug and several have been jailed.

Packages of cocaine have been washing up on remote, uninhabited parts of the Marshall Islands since the early 1990s.

Named in 1788 by a British sailor, John Marshall, the islands were the scene of fierce fighting between US and Japanese forces during the war.

Telegraph | News | Tropical islanders getting hooked on washed-up cocaine
Lucky bastards.
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Euroleague Champions
Israel beat Spain to win the Euroleague for the second year in a row. And guess who cheered for them?
Reigning champion Maccabi finished on Sunday the first half of the Euroleague basketball finals against Tau Vitoria with a 50-39 lead.

The 7,000 Maccabi fans in Moscow were reinforced by about 2,000 Greek fans who came to cheer Greek Panathinaikos, but agreed to cheer on Maccabi after their own team lost to Maccabi on Friday.

It was only on Friday that fans of the two teams seemed as if they were each other's sworn enemies, as each competed for a single ticket to Sunday's finale.

Perhaps it is the Mediterranean blood flowing through the veins of both Israelis and Greeks, but the two fan groups were expected to work together in Moscow's Olympiysky Arena, where the game is taking place.

Maccabi fans roar at Final Four
A very proud moment for Greeks. And congratulations to Israel.

Via Israellycool

(A thimbleful of ouzo and some olives to snooze and annie)
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Career Choices
See if you would make a good designer: Design your own hell

Or is your best bet a career in sales? Which Nigerian spammer are you?

($165,000,000 to floranista as soon as she helps me get the money out of the hands of my uncle who killed my father and stole my inheritance)
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Happy Mother's Day

Tell us a story about your mom or your child or the mother of your children.
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Air Force Family: The Origin of my Genetics
Grandma has traveled extensively all over the world. She went to Israel three times, Russia while it was still the Soviet Union, China, and nearly everywhere else. She hiked through Mongolia in her early 80s, and hiked across the Rockies a few years ago (she's nearly 90).

My grandma has nearly always lived on a farm, so matters of sex are commonplace dinner topics for her. For pure shock value, I'm going to give you a taste of the conversation that ensued when hubby and I discovered that our #4 child (and the #6 grandchild) was going to be a boy.

Grandma: "Well, are you going to cut off his penis?"
Me: "What? Grandma, what are you talking about?"
Grandma: "Circumcision, of course. We cut your Uncle's penis because it was the thing to do, but the doctor was drunk and he BUTCHERED him. So we didn't get your Dad done. I don't remember if your Grandfather is circumcised because it's been so long since we've had sex, but I seem to remember some kind of white stuff, so I don't think so."
Go read it all and then call your crazy gramma. If you don't have a crazy gramma, militarybrat and I can loan you ours.
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Girls Only
In accordance with the latest gender sensitivity training seminars, this thread is for girls only. If you're a boy, you should be out there digging ditches and not lurking or commenting on some girlie thread.

On second thought, screw it. Bring chocolates and come right in. We might even let you paint our toenails.

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The Monkeys of Gibraltar
Mystery of Gibraltar Monkeys Explained
Scientists have used DNA to figure out the origin of Gibraltar's Barbary macaques, which may have played a small part in winning World War II.

The macaques have long been figures of Gibraltar lore. As the story goes, when they are gone, the disputed British colony will return to Spanish rule.

In 1942, a handful of the monkeys remained. Gibraltar was militarily important, and any jolt to morale had to be avoided. Britain's Prime Minister Winston Churchill sent out a secret edict: Get more monkeys and bring them to the rock.

"Nobody knows where they got the macaques — they just suddenly appeared in Gibraltar," said Robert D. Martin, provost for academic affairs at the Field Museum in Chicago.

Martin and colleagues Lara Modolo and Walter Salzburger provided a partial answer in a paper published online this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The scientists used DNA comparisons to conclude that the creatures came from two places — Morocco and Algeria, the only regions where Barbary macaques still reside in the wild. Macaques from these two places are genetically distinct.

Martin said the mixed origins of the imported macaques helped explain why the roughly 200 macaques now in Gibraltar were relatively healthy despite the inevitable inbreeding.

"My expectation was that the macaques in Gibraltar would be a genetic disaster area," he said. "But when we looked, their genetics was a lot more varied than I expected."

If the legend is true, Spain may have to wait a while before it gets Gibraltar back.
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Be a Star!
I know that most of our bloggie comrades have chosen careers other than the porno industry. Sometimes though, one can't help but wonder "what if?" Well, wonder no more! Take the quiz and find out what type of porno movie you would star in!

And for the ones of you who are not interested in making porno movies, well then, which Simpsons character are you?

(a bottle of cheap red swirl to floranista)
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The Question
I bring this to your attention as a final resort. I've talked to all my friends about it and I've gathered no sympathy, they say I'm overreacting. Perhaps I didn't explain it right to them and okay, I'm willing to admit I may be a little bit wrong here. But I don't care if I'm wrong! I'm fed up!

So I went to the grocery store. I bet going to the grocery store is not a very personal experience for most of you, is it? Well, it is for me. Because every single fucking time I have to tell someone where I'm from.

All they ask is "paper or plastic". All I say is "plastic" or "paper". But then it comes - The Question:

"Where are you from?"



It was okay the first twenty million times I got asked but I'm running out of patience here. I have cursed my accent and I've tried very hard to sound American, any kind of American: Texas, Ohio, I don't care. Anything that doesn't involve having to answer The Question. But this stupid accent is not going anywhere. And neither is the cashier who stands there smiling at me until I answer.

Why is it important to this person where I'm from? Is he trying to be friends? No, of course not. The conversation never gets past the "Oh." So what does he want with me? To satisfy his curiosity about my accent, of course. They don't tell me "oh, I've been to Greece" or "oh, what part of Greece" or "what are you doing here" or "how do you like the States." They just stop at the "Oh" and get back to their cashiering and bagging and talking amongst themselves. Which is fine by me because I never wanted them to talk to me anyway - I just want my stuff and I want to leave without being asked questions other than what my bagging preferences are.

I've tried intimidation. Immediately after the "where are you from" I bark out "Minnesota". That stuns them for a moment, enough for me to complete my ATM transaction. But they don't drop it, do they?

"No, really, where are you from?"

"I told you, Minnesota."

"You don't sound like you're from Minnesota."

"How do you know, have you been to Minnesota?"

"Here are your groceries, ma'am."

So yeah, that works but it's only a temporary measure because I know that one of these days I'm bound to run into a cashier that has actually been to Minnesota and what if he asks me a question? I know nothing about Minnesota, I just know that it's somewhere near North Dakota.

It's worse when I get a coffee too because then I have to place my order.

"I would like a cappuccino, please."

"Where are you from?"



"Can I pay here?"

"No, you have to pay at the register."

"SHIT!" "Thanks."

I could have avoided The Question at the cashier's if I hadn't bought croissants. But I did. And this cashier didn't understand my accent.

"Ma'am, did you notice what the price was on these?"

"No, sorry."

"Where are you from?"


"Did you say Hungary?"



So you see, they don't care. I thought it was because I was Greek but even when they think I'm Hungarian, it won't go beyond the "Oh".

So I dunno. I wonder how other people with accents feel about The Question. I've done it myself to other immigrants, don't think I'm an angel or anything. Late one night in San Francisco I wanted a bottle of cognac so I walked into this little shop. Arabic music was playing and the salesclerk had an accent so I asked him "where are you from?" I felt a little twinge of guilt at the thought that he must get asked The Question by practically every customer that walks in. But he didn't answer me. So I asked him again. He ignored my question again. I said "the reason I ask is because I'm Greek" feeling very stupid as I realised how lame that sounded. He smiled, I smiled, I paid for my cognac and left.
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Woman Convicted of Rape in Norway
Woman convicted of rape
In a landmark case a 23-year-old woman has been convicted by a Bergen court for the rape of a 31-year-old man.

The woman was sentenced to nine months in prison and ordered to pay NOK 40,000 (USD 6,385) to the man.

The incident occurred on Jan. 4 last year in a Bergen apartment. The man testified that he fell asleep on a sofa and woke up to find the woman performing oral sex on him.

The woman eventually admitted sexual contact but claimed that it was voluntary and that the man was willing and smiled.

The case has attracted attention and is the first time a Norwegian woman has been charged with raping a man.
I can't believe he pressed charges.
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ev and zorkie
From bloggie with love
- ev, wake up!
- Huh?
- We're late, wake up!
- It's still dark, I wanna sleep another hour...
- No, you can't! Remember what day it is today?
- Yeah...Monday...I can sleep some- Monday?! Oh shit!
- Yeah! Come on, let's go!
- Yeah, okay...Uh...so what are we gonna do?
- You go to the kitchen and start squeezing stuff for fresh juice. I'll go cut her a rose.
- Why can't I cut the rose?
- 'Cause you're better at squeezing stuff!
- But I like roses!
- Will you hurry up?! I think she wakes up early!
- All right, fine! Take advantage, you have all the fun all the time and I do the dirty work!
- I'll make the oatmeal!
- Ughh! Why can't we just get bagels and cream cheese like normal people...

- zorkie, taste the juice!
- omg ev! This thing is totally sour! What did you do?!
- Oh, it is? We didn't have enough oranges so I added some lemons and limes!
- It's not drinkable like this, ev! Hey, I know! Let's add some sugar!
- Okay, you get the sugar, I'm gonna fry the eggs!
- It's still kinda sour...How about we add some salt? That way it can be kinda like a margarita!
- Good, good! Hey, zorkie, there are eggshells in the eggs!
- Oh! Uh...get them out?
- I can't get them out! I didn't even know they were there but then I saw them and I tried to get them out and I couldn't!
- Ah shit! Um...we'll think of something, don't worry! Hey, how do you make oatmeal?
- I dunno! Read the directions!
- What directions?
- The directions on the box, zorkie!
- There is no box, it's in an old mayonnaise jar!
- Why do you keep the oatmeal in a jar?!
- Cause I like a clean, uniform look in the pantry!
- But - sorry zorkie, gotta tend to the eggs! Improvise!
- Okay, I'll go one and one, that seems safe. One cup water, one cup oatmeal. Oh that reminds me, I gotta feed the dogs too...
- What are we forgetting zorkie?
- Toast!
- Yes! Go make it!
- Why do I have to make it?!
- Cause I'm folding her napkin nicely!
- You're crumpling it!
- Nah-uh!
- Yeah-huh! How many folds are there in a napkin? It's not supposed to be a little tiny square!
- It's origami, zorkie! It's art!
- We don't have time for art! Put the eggs on the plate and put some ketchup on them! This way if there are any eggshells, they won't show!
- I don't like ketchup on eggs! We should put some strawberry jam on them!
- You're not the one who's eating them, ev! Maybe she likes ketchup! Although, strawberry jam is prettier...
- Yeah, see? Okay, strawberry jam in place! Hmm...it needs something else...
- Like what?
- Some decoration on top, just yellow and red? It's boring...
- You wanna use some of the leftover yogurt that I gave to Bobo and Tartuffo for breakfast?
- Yes! Good idea! Okay, that's better, now we have yellow, red and white. It needs just something a little more...Oh I know! A little slice of pickle on top!
- ev! Help! I can't get the oatmeal out of the pot!
- omg zorkie! This is like cement!
- Hurry, we're running late! Do something!
- Ok, let's dig some out from the middle!
- Okay, whew, good! ev, why is it standing up like this?
- Press it down in the bowl, zorkie, it'll stay!
- Man, this is hard! ev, this is terrible, what are we gonna do?
- Put some yogurt on it!
- Brilliant! And something else too, what should I put? Do we have milk?
- No sorry, I used it in the eggs.
- Umm...maybe I should add some of the juice you think? Just to give it some flavour?
- Sure, zorkie! Try it!
- Okay, good! Now let's get the toast!
- Where is the bread, miss z?
- I thought you bought bread!
- You said you were gonna make the toast, yesterday, why would I buy the bread?
- What are we gonna do now? Oh man, we should have made her pancakes!
- Let's see what we have...Hey, rice cakes!
- Excellent! Some butter and strawberry jam and we're set!
- Okay, shall I write the note?
- That'd be great, ev! Okay, let's take the tray up and leave it outside her door so she'll find it when she wakes up.
- Okay, good! Put the rose on top of the note!
- Oh, lemme read the note, I wanna make sure you didn't mispell anything.
- I didn't mispell anything!
- Lemme read the note, ev!
- Fine, read it!

Dear Sine

Since we don't tell you often enough how much
we love you and appreciate you
we decided to give you the morning off from the diner and bring you breakfast in bed.

Much love from all of us

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Grandmothers, Congressmen, penguins...everyone has to go through homeland security
(Click the picture to see the slideshow)
The penguins were coming back from a visit to Seaworld, which is an Anheuser-Busch theme park. Speaking of Anheuser-Busch theme parks, militarybrat has a heartwarming story about her family's visit to one.

Here's what happened when we got to Busch Gardens: we paid 8$ for parking, and found a great spot right by the tram pick up in the Italy parking lot. We caught the tram and debarked at the ticket booths only to find... that Busch Gardens built an entirely new and nice building specifically to service the military customers that is even closer to the main gate entrance than the ticket booths for the general public.

Walking down a sparkling clean walkway (even Disneyland Anaheim wasn't this clean!) we saw "Salute to the Heroes" signs all over the place! Wow - quite a change from our San Francisco experience. We were feeling pretty good about then.
Go read the rest, it's lovely :-)
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Quiz time!
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My favorite IT gossip rag, L'Inq, often has off the wall items like this:
Qatar replaces kiddie camel jockeys with robots
AFTER YEARS OF criticism over the use of underfed child jockeys in its camel races, the Gulf State of Qatar is to replace them with robots.

According to the QNA news agency, a robot - dubbed Kamel - has been built by a Swiss company, K-Team, and tested so successfully and that the energy-rich country is considering setting up a factory to build them.

Camel racing, which is popular among Bedouin, is a highly lucrative sport in Qatar However, human rights groups are opposed to the practice because it involves the use of child jockeys.

Many of these children are allaged to have been abducted or sold by their families, mainly from India. Rights activitsts claim they are kept in prison-like conditions and underfed to keep them light so the camels run faster.

Qatar official, Sheikh Abdullah bin Saud al-Thani, said that the use of robot jockeys would allow the sport to continue, the agency reported.
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Shaking in our boots
US has not attacked Cuba fearing its resistance - Castro
HAVANA, April 20 (Itar-Tass) - The United States has not attempted to launch a direct aggression against Cuba because it fears the crushingly rebuffed it will get from the island’s population, Cuban Leaser Fidel Castro stated on Tuesday, delivering a TV address on the occasion of the 44th anniversary of the defeat of American mercenaries on Playa-Jiron.

In case of an attack on Cuba, the losses of the U.S. will be even bigger than those it had incurred in Vietnam and Iraq, Castro stated. The resistance awaiting the aggressor on Cuba will prove to be “invincible", he added.

The victory over the mercenaries, who were trained and armed in the United States, which was achieved by the 1961 revolution, should never be forgotten, the Cuban leader stated. Castro stressed in his 3.5-hour-long speech, which ended after midnight, that 44 years ago Cuba had, in fact, won “the first ever victory over imperialism in America".

As many as 1,500 American mercenaries landed on April 19, 1961, on the sand beach of the Bay of Cocinos, which is 180 kilometres to the south-east of Havana. Backed by warships and aircraft, they intended to overthrow the young Cuban government. However, it took the Castro-commanded Cuban troops only 72 hours to rout the interventionists. One thousand and 197 mercenaries were captured.
Seriously, can you imagine a 3.5-hour-long speech?
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Official Mexican Guide To Illegaly Cross Border Into US, Revamped DVD Edition
AZ Central:
MERIDA, Mexico - Officials in a Mexican state have published their own 87-page handbook for potential migrants to the United States, adding fuel to an international debate over whether such guides encourage illegal border-crossers.

The Guide for the Yucatecan Migrant, published by the southeastern state of Yucatán, comes with an accompanying DVD in Spanish and Mayan. It tells migrants how to apply for U.S. work visas but also gives detailed safety advice for crossing illegally, including where to find water in the desert and how to avoid the most dangerous areas. The guide includes a section specifically about Arizona.

Yucatán says it is the first Mexican state to publish such a guide, and U.S. immigration-control advocates worry it will be copied by other states. They already are angry over a similar 32-page book published by the Mexican Foreign Ministry in December.
Yucatán helping migrants go north: Guide, DVD show Mexicans how to cross border, send cash home.
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ACLU deploys elite pothead unit on the Mexican border
How moronic is this? USMC_Vet sends along some pictures of ACLU "legal observers" (aka harassment specialists) rolling and smoking joints when they're supposed to be watching those scaaaaaary vigilantes, the Minutemen. The Blue State Conservatives: Minutemen Attract ACLU: Aspirating Cannabis Losers Unite!
Click to rebigulate.

The Minutemen better watch out for Scooby Doo and the gang. They're armed with middle fingers, joints, and flashlights, and they're not afraid to use them!

...stupid potheads.
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Meet the Hatas
Hey comrades, while I'm doing hate and ev is doing war how about you all do something productive, eh? Like, I dunno...post some funny jokes for a change? ;-)

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Which personality disorder do you have, and which cheese are you? If both answers are the same, you should be very disturbed.

(a glass of white wine to floranista from zorkie)

ev! you forgot?!
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Terrible and awful jokes only
Attention comrades!

If you have a good or funny joke, do not post it here.

Thank you.
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The Meccatronics digital Quran
One of the criticisms of Islam, is that some interpretations of it are fairly reactionary - so, no different to other religions then. However, even its most fanatical followers appreciate the awesome power of technology. Their interest in air-liners, SAM missiles, AK47s and even exploding trainers bears witness to this.

However, Islam has taken a great leap forward, with the Meccatronics digital Quran.
Go read the rest: Eric the Unread: Religion in the modern age
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Sunday's Quiz
Find out which philosophy suits you. Or, if that isn't intellectual enough for you, find out which "Gone with the Wind" character you are.

(A glass of champagne and some fresh-squeezed orange juice to floranista)
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Gnawing Love
Click the picture to read a beautiful love story, sort of.

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No comment
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Sunday's Quiz
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The Turks are coming! The Turks are coming!
When Turkey invades the US: new parody targets best-seller lists
A new novel telling the tongue-in-cheek tale of how a group of Turkish nationalists -- and some extra-terrestrial friends -- invade the United States is targeting best-seller lists in Turkey, in the midst of a boom in anti-US books.

"America Is Ours" hits the bookshelves this weekend with its cover depicting the Statue of Liberty sporting a handlebar mustache -- the Turkish macho symbol par excellence -- and the US flag's stars replaced by the triple-crescent symbol of the Turkish far-right.

The parody in political-fiction starts off with an alien suddenly showing up as a young Turkish nationalist says his prayers.

The spaceman grants the wish of the young Turk, exasperated by US interventionism in the Middle East and furious at the (fictional) secret crossing of the Istanbul Bosphorus by two US warships, and helps him invade America thanks to a machine that controls people's minds.

The occupiers immediately bring things Turkish to their new land, organising "cig kofte" (a spicy Turkish delicacy made of raw hamburger) parties at the White House, proclaiming Turkish the official language and transforming Madonna into a belly dancer.

"There is some anti-US sentiment at the bottom of the book, but it's really not a war story because no one gets killed," Erdogan Ekmekci, one of the two co-authors of the book, told AFP.

It is the first novel by Ekmekci, a 27-year-old Istanbul resident and a former sales representative.

"The circumstances are right for anti-US books," he acknowledged, but stressed that "America Is Ours" is more a work of "self-criticism" of Turkey's 70 million mainly Muslim citizens and their way of life than it is an anti-US tract.

"The way we (the Turks) run the United States means the end of the country, because we bring along all our troubles and woes," he said, explaining his book.

Among them: a bevy of social problems, such as huge queues of patients waiting outside hospitals and an economy crippled by mismanagement, where a loaf of bread sells for 250 dollars.

"What we're doing is blaming the devil for our sins," commented Ekmekci of his book, which comes hot on the heels of another anti-US best-seller in Turkey, the just as futuristic but more sobering "Metal Storm", which relates the 2007 invasion of Turkey by US forces.

"Metal Storm" is a confirmed best-seller, with more than 110,000 sales since its December release, riding a wave of strong anti-US sentiment in Turkey sparked by the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

The invasion created real tensions between the staunch NATO allies and anti-Americanism suddenly became a saleable commodity in a country undergoing an unprecedented surge of patriotism.

"The circumstances are right," echoed Adem Ozbay, not concealing that his Akis publishing house, which will release "America Is Ours" with a first run of 50,000, is hoping to get on the bandwagon.

But Ozbay told AFP he regretted that the current display of flag-waving patriotism sparked by a couple of Kurdish teen-agers trying to burn the Turkish flag has "gone out of control" and been transformed into "a show of jingoism".

"We tried to have a little fun by trying to imagine what would happen in the United States if the mistakes we make here were repeated there," he explained.

It all ends badly in the book, to the point that the hero has to once again resort to his extra-terrestrial friends' powers to go back in time and pretend none of it ever happened.
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The Principles of Jewish Buddhism
This gave me a good laugh: from Air Force Family, The Lotus & the Mishpokkeh
1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Go read the whole thing and wish militarybrat a happy birthday :-)
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Chatchi in Chicago: my new favorite Amazon reviewer
When I accidentally ran into one of his reviews, I had a hard time believing this guy was for real. Here's how I found him: I followed some link to a Robert Spencer book. Amazon said "customers who viewed this item also viewed: Apparel: Condom Pocket Boxers". So of course I clicked, I had to see this. Here was the only review on the condom pocket boxers:
[5 stars] Chicks dig these!, September 17, 2004

Reviewer: chatchi (Chicago, IL) - See all my reviews

As a man on a mission (for sex), I can never be too prepared. When pockets just aren't an option, and your wallet is too full of $100 bills (and ladies phone numbers), these condom pocket boxer shorts are just what the doctor ordered. Not only are they luxurious and sexy, but the condom pocket boxer shorts do a great job of showing off my package. And when bragging rights are in order, the boxers even come complete with a personal tape measure - right where you want it.

Big Headed, Inc.'s condom boxers are ideal for any man looking for the company of a lady. The comfort, functionality, fun and safety of these boxers ensures that I'm totally protected going into battle.

Ladies, here I come!
I could not freaking believe this guy, so I clicked his name to see his other reviews. He's a comedy goldmine! Check out his many other reviews-Amazon.com: About chatchi: Reviews
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Neither Snow nor Rain
In Greece we say "there's no wedding without tears and no funeral without laughter." Let's smile a little in this thread and share good thoughts and count our blessings. And a shot of cognac to all of you because you've been the best.
PRAGUE, Czech Republic - A retired man in the Czech Republic said Wednesday he had just received a postcard he sent his parents in 1945 when he was a prisoner of war in France.

Karel Brozda, 79, sent the postcard from a U.S. camp at an unspecified location in France on April 5, 1945, he told the Associated Press from hometown of Cesky Tesin on the Czech-Polish border, 240 miles east of Prague.

"Of course, I was surprised when it arrived," he said. "Who knows where it was for 60 years, but what can I do about it?" Brozda said, adding his parents died 40 years ago.

He said the postcard, addressed to his father Jan, was delivered to his brother's family in Poland from Germany in February and they forwarded it to him.

Brozda, who is of Polish origin, was forced to join Germany's troops occupying Czechoslovakia in 1944. He was dispatched to France and later to Germany. In March 1945, he abandoned his army unit and was taken prisoner by U.S. troops.

Man Gets Postcard He Sent During WWII
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Adult Education
For those of you who have male significant others in need of reform school, please check out Classes for Men at the Learning Center for Adults
Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
And if your significant other happens to be a female, also badly trained, here's exactly what you need, right here: Classes for Women
Class 1: Refrigerator Exploration. How to leave things in predictable locations in the fridge so your S.O. can find things. Meets 5 weeks, Wednesdays and Fridays at 7:30 pm.
Don't delay - send them over immediately! I heard classes fill up fast.
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A New Comrade

This is my new niece, Abigail, whom I met for the first time today. She's a very sweet baby, she smiles a lot and she peed on my silk shirt. That's her dad in the picture. He wears that uniform when he changes her diaper for a very good reason.

Welcome to bloggie, Abby!
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Everybody Loves a U.N. Official
U.N. officials are finally putting their natural talents to good use. I bet Brad Pitt is shaking in his shoes right now. (pass the bottle to Fay, please)
Colombia — In an upcoming episode of Colombia's favorite soap opera, a former prostitute determined to better the world strides into a spacious office to discuss the fight against human trafficking with U.N. officials. "You have our full support to battle this crime," a gray-suited Frenchman, Thierry Rostan, tells her. Rostan sounds just like a diplomat — because in real life that's exactly what he is.

In "Everybody Loves Marilyn," U.N. officials are cast as themselves and scenes are filmed in their well-guarded Bogota offices. The United Nations itself approached the show's producers with the idea, to bring their message to as many Colombians as possible and prevent girls from being tricked into becoming sex slaves abroad.

"What better vehicle to reach out to people than through a soap opera that has seven million viewers," said Sandro Calvani, director of the U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime in Colombia. "We could have sent out a communique or something, but it wouldn't have the same impact."

Adriana Ruiz-Restrepo, who leads the U.N. program against human trafficking here, was watching "Everybody Loves Marilyn" one night when she hatched the plan.

Human trafficking is a big problem in Colombia. The secret police estimate that up to 50,000 Colombians, including many underage girls and boys, are being lured abroad and sexually exploited, mainly in Japan, Spain and Holland.

Most of the victims come from the impoverished countryside but move to Colombia's cities in search of wealth and fame. They make easy targets for traffickers who offer promises of a modeling career, travel and a chance to make their dreams come true.

"Trafficking in women is one of the worst abuses of human dignity, when somebody's life has been bought," Calvani said.

U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan personally approved Ruiz-Restrepo's novel plan to highlight the problem. She then telephoned RCN television, which produces the show, and got an enthusiastic response.

"It fit perfectly with our aim to discuss social issues in the soap opera," said Adriana Suarez, the executive producer of the soap opera, which is also broadcast elsewhere in Latin America, including Mexico and Chile.

Together they worked on the plot, which tells the story of Catalina, a pretty and ambitious 24-year-old who is duped by a man posing as a fashion designer telling her she will become a model if she travels to a foreign country. She is drugged at the airport before the flight to ensure she doesn't back out, and winds up working in a brothel against her will.

"It's easy for Colombian girls to relate to the character and say to themselves: 'This could have happened to me,'" Ruiz-Restrepo said.

The United Nations reserved the right to delete or modify proposed scenes. For example, Ruiz-Restrepo said, the script at one point erroneously said the United Nations has law enforcement powers.

There have been few occasions when the United Nations opened its doors to film crews.

Last year Annan allowed "The Interpreter" to be filmed inside the U.N. General Assembly in New York. The movie stars Nicole Kidman as a U.N. translator who overhears a conversation that could cost her life. No U.N. personnel had acting roles.

Rostan said it was fun being an actor — though daunting at first. "It wasn't easy, but it's something that enabled us to become a part of peoples' lives, showing them in a down-to-earth way how we can help with issues that affect them directly."

The episodes are scheduled to air in the next few weeks.

U.N. Officials Join Soap Opera
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Sunday quiz: your animal personality
Take The Animal In You Personality Test and find out what animal you are based on your name, too...a cappuccino, her choice of biscotti, and a Saturday NYT crossword puzzle to floranista for this one.
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Good one.
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping.

The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."

And that’s why the Sultan bought the Democrat Party and CBS News.
To The Point
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guest author: monkeyweather
The New 23rd Psalm: Before and After
I just got a very annoying email from a dyed-in-the-wool LLL relative of mine, so I "fixed" it and sent it back to her. This thing must be making the rounds in the far left email circles. Here is the Before, labeled "For Bush 'fans' only": The New 23rd Psalm and here is the After, MY version!: The New 23rd Psalm.

Read the whole thing after the jump.
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Important Questions About Yourself
What breed of dog are you?

(a doggie biscuit to Molly and Chaz for this quiz)
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African Logic
Woman Paid Invisible 'Mermaids' Airfare
HARARE, Zimbabwe - A woman testified that she paid a popular local musician to fly four mermaids from London to Harare to help her recover a stolen car and cash.

Businesswoman Magrate Mapfumo said she paid $5,000 to fly the invisible mermaids to Harare on the advice of musician Edna Chizema, who is on trial for theft by false pretenses, the state-owned Herald newspaper reported Thursday.

Zimbabwe's Shona people believe mermaids are fearsome enchantresses capable of wreaking vengeance on wrongdoers.

Mapfumo testified that she sought Chizema's advice after her car and millions of Zimbabwean dollars (thousands of U.S. dollars) were stolen.

Mapfumo said she also paid for the mermaids to be housed at Harare's plush tourist resort, the Jameson Hotel, and supplied with mobile phones and electrical generators to cope with the Zimbabwean capital's numerous power cuts, the paper said.

"I asked about the names of the mermaids and I was told they were called Emma, Charmaine, Sharvine, Bella and a fifth one who was said to be an Arab mermaid," the Herald quoted Mapfumo as telling the court.

"All the time, she (Chizema) told me I could not see the mermaids as only spirit mediums could do so."
They're fearsome invisible enchantresses, but they have to take the plane like everybody else.
Two bottles of wine to zorkie for this one.
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guest author: floranista
Cead Mile Failte
Today everyone is Irish as we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with the wearing of the green. Let’s start with a look at Croagh Patrick, the 2,510-foot peak in County Mayo where St. Patrick is said to have fasted for 40 days and nights in 441 A.D. while banishing all snakes from Ireland.
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Please Help Suha Resume Her Shopping Spree
This is definitely funnier than any of "Nigerian letters" I get:
Well, it would appear that Yasser's hidden fortune, and those monthly payouts by the Palestinian Authority are just not makin' it for the distressed widow of the late, great Rais.

The following email letter, written in the name of "Madam [sic] Suha Arafat" has been making its rounds for the last few weeks. In the tradition of the famous "Nigerian letters" (since copied for many other companies and characters), it seeks your help in helping the long-suffering Palestinian-turned-Parisian widow so she resume her shopping spree.
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Getting to Mom's Pension

Police have detained a man who buried his dead mother in his basement and disguised himself as her to draw her retirement pension, a Turkish news agency reported Friday.

Tipped off by suspicious bank employees, police detained 47-year-old Serafettin Gencel in his home after he tried to withdraw his dead mother's pension, Anatolia news agency reported.

A bank employee had become suspicious upon hearing Gencel's male-sounding voice and notified the bank manager who told Gencel to come back in two days time for the money, Anatolia said. The manager secretly photographed him and called police who raided his home and detained him.

The photo, which was released by Anatolia, showed Gencel dressed in a woman's overcoat and wearing a headscarf and stockings and carrying a walking stick.

Gencel reportedly told police that his mother died two years ago of natural causes at the age of 68, and that he buried her body in his basement to carry on collecting her pension.

Authorities exhumed the body and were conducting a forensic study into the woman's death.

Gencel faces possible charges of fraud, suspicious death and conducting a burial without notifying authorities, Anatolia said.

Gencel, who has previous convictions for armed robbery and carrying firearms, had withdrawn 8,000 New Turkish Lira, or $6,300 since his mother's death, Anatolia said.

Man Said to Pose As Dead Mom for Pension
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Riddles, riddles, riddles!
Guess what? It's riddles!

(muchas gracias señora floranista and a very cold Corona to you!)
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Sunday's Game


(insert scary sounds here)

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Fast Food Condiments and You
Haven't you occasionally wandered which fast food condiment you are? Don't miss this one-time chance to find out! Take the quiz now!

(a thimbleful of cognac to floranista who stocked up our fridge)
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Gramma, Mama and Me
So mama went to visit gramma. I know you all think I exaggerate when I write about my family and frankly, I've thought hard about disillusioning you from that idea. But like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the United Nations, the bubble has to burst in one's lifetime, so here it is: this is my family and it's all true.

My gramma is a short, round woman. She's actually as tall as she's round, and she's very-very short. She's in her 80s or 70s or perhaps 90s, we don't know, she never tells the same age twice. We're all very afraid of her, she's one of those people who jump on you for no reason at all - well, actually they have a reason, you just never see it coming.

She lives in the States, in a very large house, all by herself since grandpa died twenty years ago. She could have someone come and help her with housework and stuff but she refuses, "I don't want strangers in my house." She wants mama to live with her. Mama lives in Greece. Gramma is not happy about that at all.

She's also not happy that I don't visit her. I try to call once a week, on Saturdays, just for the rush I get when the phone call is over. Yeah, it is that bad. One time, in the interest of history, I made the mistake of asking her: "Were there any Jews in Skyros when you were growing up?" Oh dear... She started with Neoptolemos who was a king of Skyros in 2000 B.C. or something (no Jews in that story), then she jumped to WWII in Athens when she had to eat raisins cause there was nothing else to eat (no Jews there, either), then she described the sacrifices she made for my mother (not a single Jew involved), then she told me about that time she met a prince, "a real prince" (no, he wasn't Jewish) and then she went on to describe in detail all of last week's episodes of her Greek soap opera. My gramma loves to talk.

After an hour of "uh-huh" on my part - you really don't need much more than that to hold a conversation with gramma - I viciously interrupted her: "But what about the Jews in Skyros?!" "What about them?" she said, surprised. "Well, I asked you-" "WELL, I'M GETTING TO THAT! Listen, this is what I'm telling you..." It turns out that during a boat trip from Athens to Skyros in the midst of WWII, the captain was secretly transporting Jews to Turkey. It took two hours to get that out of her. They were not Jews from Skyros, either. There were no Jews in Skyros, mama told me that in one sentence. By the way, mama is the local historian in Skyros, she knows everything about everyone. And she doesn't talk as much as gramma does. Well, no one talks as much as gramma does.

Gramma likes to complain a lot. A lot. She complains about everything, but mainly she complains about her health. The woman hasn't been sick in seventy years (counting the known history) but she has every disease she hears about on tv. It doesn't help that her doctor is Greek. She visits her doctor like other people visit Starbucks. He's a hero, really. She likes to read to him the Mayo Clinic brochures she receives in the mail, she says she's helping him further his medical knowledge.

Gramma's favourite activities (besides seeing her doctor) involve eating out and grocery shopping. She has four refrigerators in her house, funny for a person who's expecting to die "any day now." She spends a lot of money on groceries and never throws anything away. She says when she dies, it will all be ours. So we have eight-year-old salami to look forward to. Oh, and cream cheese from 2001.

Mama took her to Applebee's for a treat. Did you know there's an Applebee's in Salonica, btw? Yeah, right as you exit the airport. Anyway, they went to a different Applebee's, one in the States. They took my SUV, the boat as we call it. Gramma can't get in the boat, it's too tall for her, so mama has her use a little stepladder. Gramma is very hesitant about the whole thing "Can I touch the door? It won't fall off?" but once she gets in the boat and mama straps her in, it's not so bad. We're just not allowed to open any windows 'cause then it gets windy and her wig gets out of place and she's not happy about that at all. So we silently suffocate in the car while gramma talks about the 70s and how much better life was back then. Needless to say, she sits in the front.

At restaurants, gramma likes to study the menu in great detail while telling us how she cooked "the same food but much better" when she had a restaurant. Then the innocent waiter comes to our table... While the rest of us immediately place drink orders, knowing what's about to befall us, the poor guy/girl has no clue... none...

Gramma: Hi honey! Such a nice place you have here! I'm a businesswoman, between my husband and me, we've been in the restaurant business 175 years (Gramma likes to combine her age with my dead grandpa's age as if he's still alive, so even though he's been dead for a while, he keeps aging).

Waiter: And a good evening to you too, ma'am! What can I get for you today?

Gramma: Eh, okay, the steak, but you have to be careful...I'll tell you in a minute...What kinda vegetables are those?

Waiter: Peas and corn, ma'am.

Gramma: See, I have trouble with my teeth, look, look back here, see, all these are caps. I have nothing back here, this is the only thing that holds my dentures together. When I had a restaurant downtown, "Olympic Café" you know it? Yeah, my husband and I had a very famous restaurant. One day this very good-looking guy came and he ordered coffee... And I said to him, "Sir, you are very handsome" and he said "Oh thank you! You may call me 'Your Highness' and I said ..."

Ok, I'll stop here, I won't inflict this pain on you anymore - she's my gramma after all, why should you have to put up with her...But just to let you know, if ever you need a gramma, I'm offering her for a very reasonable price (but I can't afford to pay more than $100).
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So have one and go play scary scavenger hunt.
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Royalty and You
Which man of royalty are you?

Which woman of royalty are you?

(a thimbleful of cognac to floranista - you're our sweetheart, lady!)
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Taco Bell shows Soros how it's done
Leopolis points out some creepy similarities...coincidence? I think NOT!
...especially when you listen closely to their new commercials; you can hear them saying "Ukraine-o Taco Bell". Soros and his puny Open Society theory has nothing on these guys; Taco Bell's revolutionary Hegelian-Marxist dialectical method of taking thesis (crunchy taco) and antithesis (soft taco) and merging the best of both into synthesis (the double decker taco). Taco Bell has opened up a world of HURT (with extra Fire sauce) on the Open Society. Does the Open Society cost 99 cents, taste delicious and fill you up? I didn't think so!

And don't think I don't know what that little Che Guevara-looking chihuahua's up to.

We're on to you, man.
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WSJ's John Fund treats bloggers like his bitches
What's wrong with this picture of John Fund on a laptop?

He stole a blogger's laptop-without permission-to file his stories for the Wall Street Journal at CPAC. Twice, without apology or grace. What a dick!
What this is - is a total and complete disrespect for the medium of blogging. It is the actions of the self-superior "big media" journalists (be they on our side even) steam rolling over the pajamaboys and pajamagirls and not caring one ounce about the end result.

In the picture above what you are looking at is none other than John Fund returning to the scene of the crime and this time swiping the computer of Robert Cox of The National Debate.

As this picture was taken by blog-sleuth Wes Roth, Bob and I were in the food court 100 yards away grabbing our lunch so that we could return to an afternoon of blogging.

Wes snapped the shot and made a bee-line to find us.
1. Because it was Bob's computer and Fund again had no permission to access the laptop.
2. Because as "chatty-cathy" as Fund had been earlier in the morning to us bloggers, he obviously had not seen an ounce of the swarm coverage - which is growing but was still considerably all over the blogosphere, and he had not learned his lesson yet.

After Fund had made his "laptop snatch" this morning some of the bloggers had kidded around that perhaps it had been unfair to draw attention to Fund's use of someone's laptop without their permission. Doverspa at RedState even said that he wasn't bothered by Fund using the machine, even though it was rude and he had been inconvenienced.


The consensus among us bloggers is that he was doing this for his own convenience so that he would not have to stand in line on Internet row to access a TownHall.com computer that had been set up for CPAC attendees to do just what Fund wished to do.


Cox in a very coy voice asks Fund, "will you be long?"

Fund: "Nope I just need a minute more..." (he had already been on about 20 at this point...)

Cox: "I believe they had some software installed on these machines - so be careful - they may be recording your every keystroke."

Fund: (A dumb-founded look upon his face, a medium size gulp in his throat) "Um...ok...well that should be fine. I just wouldn't want anyone to read my e-mail..."

In the length of time that he persisted on Cox's machine I was able to snap the photos you see in this story and e-mail them one by one from my phone to myself.

Not long after that - Fund departs, no "thank you"s, no "I'm sorry for using your private computer, etc.".

It was at this time that Cox returned to his machine where he realized that when Fund had arrived Cox's browser had been opened to the front page of The National Debate which included on that front page Bob's continuing contributions to the funny Fund episode.

As Cox began closing the browsers that Fund had left open on the laptop, a small window opened alerting Cox, or whoever else might have seen it - that they were still logged in - to the Dow Jones servers as an admin user for the Wall Street Journal.

In addition to that Fund had left his access to Outlook Mail opened with his full lists of e-mail waiting and ready to be read. To Cox and the rest of the bloggers' credit - none was accessed. We can reveal though that one of the e-mail subject lines read "Smokin' Hot Dancer".

Cox issued a quite helpful e-mail that we all hope John reads so that he doesn't allow future hackers to mess with the beloved Wall Street Journal or Dow Jones servers.
Go read the whole thing and see all the pictures, it's hilarious.

Hey John-least you can do is buy the two bloggers you inconvenienced some lattes. Or, I don't know...a year's subscription to the Wall Street Journal would be classy, since you involuntarily borrowed their property to put it out? I must say your lax attitude towards private property is very disturbing in a Wall Street Journal writer. Thanks for the comedy, though.
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guest author: Thousand Sons
The Man In Black

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The Last Half of Darkness
"Located in front of a ghostly mansion you can hear the wind howl through the trees. There's a light on in the attic..."

The Last Half of Darkness
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End The Discrimination!
Lefties have suffered a long history of oppression and alienation. "Left" was generally synonymous with "evil," and in most societies left-handed children were forced to learn to write with their right hand.

Language isn't exactly sympathetic to lefties, either. Having two left feet is an insult to your dancing skills; left-handed oaths are promises you don't intend to keep; and leftovers are generally not appetizing.

The words "dexterous" and "adroit" are both derived from the Latin and French words for "right," respectively. And the Latin words for "left"? Try "sinister." Even in sign language, raising your right hand means "powerful" and "brave," but covering your right hand with your left means "death" and "burial." Will there ever be an end to the hostilities?
Left Handers: The Persecuted Minority No One Ever Talks About
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Who Knew Gentiles Could Be Funny?
Ssh! Stolen jokes - don't tell anyone. Pass a thimbleful of cognac to Semite5000, though.
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says, "It's $500." The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"

Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children. Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!" Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"

A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it." His mother says, "OK."

A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant. The man says: "I'll have the steak and a baked potato, and my wife will have the julienne salad with house dressing. We'll both have coffee." The waiter says, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared?" he man says,"I'd like the steak medium......the salad is fine as is." The waiter says, "Thank you."

A Gentile man calls his elderly mother. He asks, " Mom, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?" She says, "I'm feeling fine, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
And get Paco from Sefarad a thimbleful of cognac for the 100 funniest jokes of all time.

And a thimbleful for Jefe as well, for introducing us to the lip-synching dude.

(This post reeks of alcohol...)
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Humor and Christianity
I've never associated the Bible with humor. I've tried reading it but I'm ashamed to say I lost interest after the first few begats so maybe I never got to the funny parts. There is one bible passage I've come across that stuck with me but not because it was funny, I just thought it was beautiful. Anyway, back to the humor.
Humor in the Bible? Scholars say the Old and New Testament are riddled with humorous references and aim to set the record straight at a three-day congress beginning Monday, "Laughter and Comedy in Ancient Christianity."

There's the tale from Luke's Gospel of Zaccheus, a diminutive and despised tax collector who, eager to see Jesus at a busy gathering, is forced into the attention-grabbing indignity of scrambling up a tree.

Or the patriarch Isaac, whose name comes from the Hebrew word for laughter because of the joy and disbelief his birth brought to his aging parents, Abraham and Sarah.

These witticisms may not have modern readers rolling on the floor. But scholars of Christian literature and theology at a three-day conference in Turin on "Laughter and Comedy in Ancient Christianity" insist the Old and New Testaments are riddled with humor and clever wordplay.
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guest author: zulubaby
An American zulubaby
Okay, so the ceremony was beautiful. You know how it is here -- when they do things, they do things properly. It was pouring with rain so my hair got a bit messed up and of course that's what I was most concerned about. My friend was going to come with me but then my lawyer said that friends and family can't sit with you, it's boring, etc., so I told my friend not to come. I regret that now 'cos I know he would have enjoyed it.

There were 4,500 people there and we were herded around with cattle. I met a wonderful Canadian women as I got there so she and I were together the whole ceremony and it was great to have someone sane and funny to share the experience with. We had to give in our green cards and I had a little pang about that. I'd had it for so long and felt sentimental about it. Oh well, I got over that quickly! Then we went to sit and they gave us a booklet, a wonderful letter from President Bush, about the responsibility of being an American citizen, which I thought was especially important, and an American flag (I checked, it was Made in the U.S.A. ;-)

The speeches were incredible, the judge was fabulous. We took the pledge of allegiance and then everyone went nuts, waving our flags and cheering. There were 14 soldiers there and they were each named and given special honour. Most were from the Philippines. I don't know if any of you know any Filipinos but they're really lovely people. Most of the immigrants were from Mexico, of course, but out of 14 soldiers, I think 9 or 10 of them were Filipino. Anyway, a woman sang the national anthem and then there was a videotaped message from President Bush. We registered to vote, they were quite intense about that. When it was time to get out certificates of naturalization, the soldiers walked through the hall first and I stood up and starting applauding them and so did 4,500 other people. I think they were really touched by that. The whole thing was very, very emotional for me, I cried all the way through, not sobbing, you know, but when you just can't stop the tears. It's been a long journey for me and something I'd wanted for a long time and I'd finally accomplished it. I love this country deeply and I feel complete now, very much at peace with that behind me, finally being done with lawyers and papers and blah. I didn't anticipate it having such an impact on me but it was truly one of the most significant events in my life.

Immediately after I got my certificate I had to give that back too. LOL. Only 'cos I applied for my passport right after the ceremony. I had pictures taken and had filled out the form beforehand in case I wanted to do that and I'm glad I did. It was very special, something I'll never forget, and I'm so very proud to be an American.

One thing that surprised me although I'm not sure why, is how many people changed their names at the ceremony. It made me think of my grandparents and countless other Jews who anglicized their names upon arrival in their adopted countries.

I was going to go out that night and celebrate but I was so exhausted that instead I took a hot shower and got in bed and drank champagne and watched Law & Order. Fabulous ;-) I was just ... happy.

Thank you, everyone, for the good wishes and the warm welcome. It means a lot to me.
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Perfect Beethoven
I need a cheer up. How about you? Ohio Police Chief Finds Intruder on Piano
The police chief woke up in the middle of the night to discover a man playing Beethoven on his piano.
Chief Steve Swartzmiller grabbed his gun and went to investigate the noise. He found 19-year-old Shawn Chadwell drunk at the keyboard.

Swartzmiller said Chadwell had been looking for a friend's house when he mistakenly wandered in. He was charged with underage drinking and burglary.

The chief added that Chadwell played perfect Beethoven.
If only he had called me up, we could have played "Bella Ciao" together...
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P. G. Wodehouse: Helplessly Silly
Happy Valentine's Day! Thanks to Gail Cooper for this story.
“Wodehouse in Trouble"

On this day in 1975 P. G. "Plum" Wodehouse died, aged ninety-three. Given the hundred books and the three-dozen musicals, it seems reasonable to believe the account of Wodehouse's final moments which has him collapsing after picking up the pen and papers his exasperated wife had thrown across his hospital room. But the other account is good, too: he died alone, his pipe and tobacco pouch in his lap, the manuscript of his next book on the table beside his chair. The unchallenged portrait of Wodehouse is of an amiable but removed man, one who was aware very early that he wanted to write, and who was happy to give up almost everything in order to do it. Wodehouse's most recent biographer, Robert McCrum (Wodehouse: A Life, 2004) accepts the second account of his death. McCrum also regards a much earlier event, Wodehouse's famous run-in with the Nazis, as a near-death experience which, "If it did not actually take away his life, ... wrecked it forever." Given Wodehouse's buoyant, 'carry on' personality, this seems an exaggeration, but it gives momentum to what is a controversial, life-defining and very funny story.

Though many denounced him as a collaborator and "Goebbels' stooge," it is hard to read the full account of “Wodehouse Meets the Nazis" and not see a wide-eyed forest creature caught in a high-beam crash. When the advancing Germans first threatened to trespass on the Wodehouses' comfortable, Normandy life in the spring of 1940 they were ignored. After two last-minute attempts to flee -- first in a car with only half its gears, then on roads too jammed with others as desperate -- the Wodehouses were still at home, and the Germans were bathing in their tub. Soon Wodehouse and all his expatriate golfing buddies were forced to report daily to the glass-eyed Kommandant, but this proved to be merely "the hors d'oeuvre in Fate's banquet." By mid-summer he was interned locally, by early September he was in a converted lunatic asylum about thirty miles from Auschwitz, and by Christmas the world was reading jocular interviews with this most famous of literary captives.

So was the German propaganda machine. Once they realized that Prisoner 796 was not "Widhorse" or "Whitehouse" -- apparently this last misnomer, misheard as "Lights Out!" by the other prisoners, often led to comedy -- the Nazis had little trouble turning their famous author into a useful weapon. Seeing an opportunity to show a human face to the world, and hoping thereby to keep America out of the war, they invited Wodehouse to make a series of radio broadcasts describing his internment under conditions so pleasant and humane that he had even been able to write a novel. Wodehouse readily accepted because, as McCrum puts it, he was "inappropriately equipped" to see anything but an opportunity for humor:
Young men, starting out in life, have often asked me 'How can I become an Internee?' Well, there are several methods. My own was to buy a villa in Le Touquet on the coast of France and stay there till the Germans came along. This is probably the best and simplest system. You buy the villa and the Germans do the rest.

(First Berlin Broadcast, June 28, 1941)

Wodehouse went into confinement just after Churchill had offered his "blood, toil, tears and sweat" as the appropriate gift of a patriot. The Blitz had just ended when the Nazis aired Wodehouse's first talk. The idea that war might be a “funny" or even "quite an agreeable experience" went over in England like a squadron of Luftwaffe bombers. George Orwell and many others excused Wodehouse as a man so constitutionally humorous and so historically lost in his Jeeves-Woosterland, that he could not be held to political account, but this did not stop the government inquiries and the prolonged international outcry.

Wodehouse quickly admitted that "It was a loony thing to do," and he was forever embarrassed, and is unpublished "Apologia" shows him as perplexed as anyone about his oddly disengaged personality:
I am not attempting to excuse myself. Nor am I complaining. The global howl that went up as a result of my indiscretion exceeded in volume and intensity anything I had experienced since the time in my boyhood when I broke the curate's umbrella and my aunts started writing to one another about it, but I felt from the first that it was entirely justified.
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And now waste your time some more
We're dedicated gamers the lot of us and today we would like to say

Thank you Throbert

for hooking us up with this one: A Case of the Crabs

This game is also featured at Throbert's Root Cellar which you would do well to visit since it's the best cellar in town.
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Waste your time some, go ahead
So...are you a loser or are you one of the cool kids?

Take the quiz and find out.

Yes, evariste and I both took it. You tell us yours, we'll tell you ours.
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The IKEA Riot
When I first read this I thought it was a headline from the Onion: Dozens of casualties as shoppers storm IKEA
IKEA has vowed not to repeat a sales stunt that led to fighting and people being taken to hospital, after a stampede at the opening of a new store in the early hours of yesterday morning.

Thousands of bargain-hunters gathered on Wednesday at the new outlet, the company's 13th and largest UK store, in Edmonton, north London.

From 8pm onwards, a crowd estimated at 6,000 stood outside the building in anticipation of the special offers that had been widely trailed in the local press, including leather sofas for £45 and bed frames for £30.

The offers were staggered so certain items would only go on sale for a specific hour, but shoppers were intent on getting into the store and laying claim to them as soon as possible.

People had even left their cars on London's busy north circular arterial road, causing severe traffic congestion.

But as the store opened its doors, people outside the controlled queue surged forward, causing a crush at the entrance.

Nine ambulances were sent to the scene and one person sustained crush injuries, while four people suffered minor injuries. Dozens of others needed treatment for heat exhaustion.

Dwayne Smith, 24, from Enfield, said that what had started off as a good-spirited event turned sour as the evening progressed. "People were getting restless outside, although there was a carnival atmosphere. Then they started kicking the door down. The fire service came, then turned round and didn't come back," he said.

"I watched as one woman collapsed and the man next to her put her on his shoulders and carried her away."

Staff attempted to relieve the pressure by letting in people one at a time but, once inside, they traded blows to secure their bargains.

Karyn Christian, 38, from Edmonton, was one of the first into the shop. "People were fighting over the sofas in the back of the store," she said.

"Someone pulled a wooden mallet and threatened my friend. People were lying on sofas to stop them being carried away."

Even when staff told the crowd that the shop had been closed, people refused to disperse and attempted to break glass doors down.

A spokeswoman for IKEA said that the company had liaised with police and Enfield Council prior to the store's opening. "We will not be repeating this sort of event," she said, adding that the store will remain closed until further notice and that all opening offers had been withdrawn.

IKEA's deputy UK manager, John Olie, apologised to all customers who had either been involved in the crush or were now disappointed that the store had not opened.

He said: "I am sorry for the customers and the co-workers. It was a total shock. I have opened all 12 stores in the UK and nothing like this has ever happened before."

Mr Olie denied that the special offers were irresponsible.

IKEA was previously hit by a tragedy at the opening of a store in Saudi Arabia in September last year, which resulted in the deaths of three people.

Dominic Abrams, a professor of social psychology at the University of Kent, said that in crowds the size of the one at IKEA, without some single rallying point, the behaviour becomes "uninhibited".

"People co-ordinate their behaviour in relation to others in crowds," he said.

"In large groups, people tend to lose their sense of individuality and become less inhibited. You usually see this at football matches and protests, but there is a single focus for their behaviour, supporting the team or whatever.

"But when people are there for very individual reasons, they tend to act in a very uninhibited, chaotic way, and that can end up with this sort of incident."
I like IKEA and I shop there too, but I would never be in a crowd with thousands of people waiting for IKEA to open. Maybe it's just me. On the other hand, in the States, I've heard about huge lines of people waiting for days for concert tickets. I've also heard about long lines of people waiting for the 6 a.m. day-after-Thanksgiving sale at Target. I've never heard of a riot though... so maybe Americans queue up more politely than the Brits? (These Brits, anyway.)
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Discarded Lies: now available in discarded languages!
Yeah, that's right. Thanks to Google, you can see bloggie in several famous dying languages. Many of these famous languages were once spoken in Europe! As everyone knows, Europe is now primarily a continent of Arabic speakers, of course.
Mentiras Desechadas
Weggeworfene Lügen
Mensonges Jetés
Bugie Scartate
Mentiras Rejeitadas
버린 사기
被摈 除的谎言

In which foreign langugae I have to tell you? Chinees, japanees? english? turkish? greek?

It's really fun, click a few links to see your very own comments translated into Really, Really Dead White Male languages.
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Update on private Joe Adams
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Not Your Average Mary Poppins
Meet Sarah Slicker. A Florida jury this week found the 23-year-old woman guilty of lewd conduct for stripping off her clothes at the request of a four-year-old boy she was babysitting. The nanny, who testified that she disrobed last January to satisfy the tyke's curiosity, was discovered naked on a couch when the child's mother returned home unexpectedly. Slicker, who now must register as a sex offender, was jailed in advance of her February 25 sentencing, at which she could receive up to 15 years in prison. Slicker, pictured at right in a St. Petersburg Police Department mug shot, told cops that the incident was not sexual in nature, that she "just wanted him to know for when he was older"
Jury Convicts Naked Nanny
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Mystery of Time and Space
Rough week, eh? Go play the best online game, ever: Jan Albartus' MOTAS
See you when you come back - if you can make it back.
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Zionist Conspiracy Reaches Nepal
Could he look any stupider? That's Nepal's King Gyanendra on tv announcing that he's dissolving the elected, multiparty government because it isn't democratic enough (I'm not kidding).
What's with the Star of David? And the pitchforks on either side? Is this a Satanist Jewish conspiracy?
...I suppose I should be thankful there aren't any swastikas.
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Things I Hate About My Flatmate
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The Year of the Rooster
Yeah, admit it, you're dying to know what the fengshui masters say about the coming year, aren't you?*
The Year of the Rooster will not convulse the world with a disaster as deadly as the Indian ocean tsunami of the Year of the Monkey, but beware of earthquakes and typhoons, especially in the east, soothsayers say.

In the new year of the Chinese lunar cycle, lust will rise and marriage may be inauspicious, but it's fine to have a baby if you are careful. And on the world stage, some measure of peace may be seen in trouble spots such as North Korea and some inroads may finally be made in the war on terror in the Middle East.
*look, it's early in the morning, I don't have any good posts yet, just read the damn thing, ok?
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Things Named After Frank Zappa
featuring a gene, a fish, a jellyfish, a mollusc, a spider and a planet

Natural Phenomena Named After Frank Zappa

This series of articles describes a variety of Natural Phenomena - marine, terrestrial and extra-terrestrial - which have been named in honour of Frank Zappa, the smallest being a gene belonging to a bacterium, the largest being an entire planet.

Many people are unaware that not one, but two extant marine creatures are named after FZ: one is a regular fish, the other a jellyfish.

Fish, of course, played a significant role in FZ's work: most famously, there was the Mudshark, which featured prominently from the time of the Fillmore East album in 1971, Thing-Fish in 1984, and the Yellow Shark, performed in 1992; minor references to various 'denizens of the deep' exist elsewhere.

In addition to these, there is an extinct shellfish bearing the Zappa name, and a spider from the Congo, which even looks like FZ!

Zappa fans can be found everywhere, and in all walks of life, so perhaps it's no surprise that some of them are responsible for discovering and naming things. FZ himself loved to do this:

"He liked naming things. He had names for absolutely everything: furniture, my mother's toenails . . ." [Moon Zappa, Rock Kids, BBC Radio 1 (UK), 20 Apr 1997]

I found, as I researched the subject and corresponded with participants, that the subject of Natural Phenomena Named After Frank Zappa took on a whole new dimension, and I was struck forcibly by the strength of feeling evoked by FZ - his music, his philosophy and his personality.

The stories of how these phenomena came to be thus named are both entertaining and at the same time illustrative of the high regard in which FZ was - and is - held.
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The Emperor's New Computer
Mac Mini: The Emperor's New Computer
Apple is a master at hype, everyone knows this. Its founder, Steve Jobs, is well-known throughout the industry for possessing a “reality distortion field? which makes people crave Apple computers and one-button mice despite their exorbitant price and in the face of all rational logic. Both the Apple hype machine and Jobs' reality distortion field have kicked into overdrive this year with the recent release of the bold, innovative and affordable G4 Cube...oops I mean the Mac mini.

I’ll admit, we were excited at first to get one in the lab to put through its paces. I had heard about the machine and seen a few clips on G4 of Steve Jobs' keynote at Macworld San Francisco in January. My curiosity piqued by the pronouncement of a $499 computer from Apple, I checked out Apple.com to look up its specs. While the hardware is about roughly equivalent to a Windows PC circa 1995, what got me interested were Apple’s claims about its size, weight and footprint.

If you believe Apple’s marketing department, the new Mini is “smaller than most packs of gum? and weighs “less than four quarters?. Well, we received our test unit from Apple yesterday, and let me say right off the bat that those claims are a wee bit of an exaggeration. Far from being Trident-sized, the Mini actually measures about 6.5?x6.5?x2?, about the size of two wonderbread cheese sandwiches stacked on top of each other, or about 50 packs of Bubble Yum. As for the weight, it feels about three pounds. Hold a Mini in one hand and four quarters in the other and tell me which one feels heavier. You could perform this experiment yourself at an Apple store.
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Not important or newsbreaking, I just wanted this story as a keepsake. The title of the link is Pope Loses Battle With Peace-Symbol Dove, but he didn't lose any battle, it's just that the symbols of peace recognised a peacemaker when they saw one. Yeah, I know, I'm sappy.
John Paul prayed that young people, "who so desire peace, become courageous and tenacious builders" of peace.

Each of the children at his side sent a dove flying, but the white birds, perhaps alarmed by Rome's unusual cold spell, almost immediately darted back into his studio.

Laughing, the 84-year-old ailing pontiff seemed determined to set the symbol free. He grabbed one of the doves as an aide returned the birds to the window sill, and he shooed it out the window and playfully patted the boy on the head.

After a quick flight over the square, the bird quickly fluttered inside again as the pope grinned.
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ev and zorkie
Which NYT opinion editorial columnist are you?
Which New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You? - Quizilla. We both took this. Guess what? It smacked us right upside the head!

That's right, people. We're both Thomas Friedman. Here's what we look like in bed next to each other:
You are Thomas L. Friedman! You're the foreign affairs expert. You're liberal on most issues,except you're a leading voice in the pro-war movement. You're probably the most popular columnist at the Times, but probably because you play both sides of the Iraq issue and relish your devotion to what you call "fanatical moderatism." You sure can write, but you could work on your sense of humor.
Allah's immortal parody is still the final word on Friedman for us. We can't believe these people for making us Thomas Friedman. evariste thought he'd be William Safire and zorkie thought she'd be Nick Kristof. Here's what our deepest sexual fantasy looked like:

That's zorkie on the left. Isn't she cute? I do kind of like her mustache in the Thomas Friedman one (she's the Thomas Friedman on the left).

Anyway. We hope none of you guys are Maureen Dowd!
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It's Psychic!
Ok, turn off the lights, gather 'round the table, light the séance candles and hold hands with the other participants. Now, clear your mind and concentrate...concentrate on the crystal ball...

(a thimbleful of cognac to jim russell)
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guest author: Rev Joe Johnson
The Reverend of Khidr
[Ed. note: we had posted an article about the church of Khidr. Illinois Central College student Joe Johnson, an ordained minister and reverend of this church, says he’s being religiously persecuted for his use of marijuana. Imagine our surprise when he found bloggie. What follows is Reverend Johnson's explanation about his church.]

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Tafeeli Jokes
Tafeelis are people from tafeeleh, in Jordan. They're the butt of all the jokes, like Polish or blonde jokes here. Enjoy these :-)

  • a tafeeli was in a speed-drawing contest, he drew a dot and said it was a far-off elephant

  • a tafeeli bought a cellphone told his brother "write a text message for me your handwriting is better"

  • bin laden tells a tafeeli "no one has really ruined my plans except the northern alliance" the tafeeli said to him "my man, you've angered the irbid tribes?" (irbid is in the north of jordan )

  • A really ugly guy went to propose to a young woman's parents. When he sat down the young woman's father was disgusted at the sight of him. The guy told the young woman's father "ammi, I'm a self-made man" and he let out a sigh of relief and said "wallah I've been sitting here saying to myself 'surely our lord wouldn't have done this!'"

  • One said to a tafeeli shaykh "I have some jinn in my house, what should I do?" he said "pick up some 7Up to mix with it and send for me"

  • A tafeeli opened a mosque. When he saw that lots of people were coming to pray he turned it into a restaurant.

  • once a tafeeli girl said to her fiance i'm going to hide. if you can find me you can kiss me and if you can't find me i'll be hiding behind the door

  • a cheap tafeeli told his boys, "anyone who doesn't want dinner can have a shilin", the boys all took the shilin. the boys went to sleep happy and hid their shilins under their pillows, and the cheap tafeeli stole the shilins back in the night. in the morning he told his boys "anyone who lost his shilin doesn't get breakfast"
    1 shilin=50 fils=about 7 cents but a lot of money in jordan to a kid.

  • there was a dumb tafeeli guy, the teacher asked him "do foxes give birth or lay eggs" he told him "by allah ya ustaz, foxes are tricksters you never know what to expect from them"

  • a tafeeli came back from america and his father asked him, "if you want someone to come near you what do you say?" he said "i say, 'qom hyr!'" his father said to him "and if you want him to leave what do you tell him?" he said "i go in a different direction and i say to him 'qom hyr!'"
    (qom hyr='come here' in arabic letters)

  • two karakis and a tafeeli got on a plane for the first time and the stewardess asked them what they would like to eat. the first karaki said "'asal ya 'asal" ("i want honey, honey") and the second karaki said "sukkar ya sukkar" ("i want sugar, sugar") and the tafeeli heard them and when she asked him he said "haleeb ya baqara" ("i want milk, you cow")

  • a tafeeli and a hindu are talking. the hindu asks the tafeeli "why don't you burn your dead before you bury them". the tafeeli says "we bury, allah burns"

  • a matchstick scratched his head with explosive results

  • a cheap tafeeli is standing on his balcony. his son is running towards the house yelling "baba...baba...baba!" the cheap tafeeli says "you son of a dog, one 'baba' is enough!"

  • a tafeeleh was walking with her boyfriend and saw her dad. she panicked and said "i'll tell him you're my brother!"

  • three tafeelis robbed a bank. they started counting the loot and lost track too many times, until one of them said "aaay, we'll find out tomorrow from the newspapers!"

  • so one time they put a speedbump in tafeeleh. so the tafeelis started watering it every day hoping it would grow into a bridge

  • two neighbors, one has a qirsh u nuss car (piastre and a half, about 2 cents, when you read "qirshu u nuss" think "POS") and one has a fox (compliment to his nice car). the second wakes up every morning at the crack of dawn to drive his foxy car and finds the first wiping his car lovingly with his hands. he asks "why do you wipe this qirsh u nuss car every day?" and he says "sit down and i'll show you" and he rubs the dashboard and a genie comes out. he says "thnain qahwe" (two coffees) and the genie makes two coffees appear the second guy's jaw drops and he says "want to trade cars?" the qirsh u nuss owner says sure and they trade cars. the guy gets his friends together and tells them about the genie and he rubs the dashboard. the first guy says "I want gold!" and the second guy says "I want lands!" and the third guy says "I want a car!" and the genie says "easy, easy, I only specialize in coffee and tea".

  • a snake from tafeeli fell ill and they asked her why. she said she fell in love with a snake and was with him four years and he turned out to be a hose

  • a tafeeli told his servant to bring him two coffee cups, one with coffee in it and one empty. the servant asked why? he said "maybe i'll want to drink coffee, maybe i'll change my mind, stupid!"

  • why do the tafayleh sit in a hole? to think deep thoughts

  • a spoiled tafeeleh daughter of a butcher was asked what father did for a living. she said "daddy peels lambs"

  • a tafeeli fell in love with a woman...he started thinking "how can i see more of her? what excuse can i get?" ...so he got engaged to her sister

  • a tafeeli was playing with a hand grenade. they told him "it'll blow up". he said "i have another one"

  • they asked an american, a german and a tafeeli what is the fastest thing. the american said "light is the fastest thing". the german said "thought is faster than light, it can be everywhere at once". the tafeeli said "diarrhea is the fastest" they said "come on man, how is it the fastest" and he said "when i have diarrhea i'm in the bathroom faster than i can think or turn on the light"

  • a tafeeli came home deliriously happy and his wife was leery and said "why are you so happy, it's not your usual, what's happened in the world?" and he said "shhh...the people have stopped telling jokes about us!" and she said "alhamdulillah, knock on wood before you jinx us!" and he did and she said "who is it" and he said "stay seated i'll get the door"

  • four cheap tafeelis played monopoly...no one bought anything!

  • there was one girl, her mom sent her to the supermarket and when she got back her mom said "why were you so delayed" and she said "there was a guy flirting with me" and she said "so you hurried yes?" and she said "what could i do, he was walking slow!"

  • a man went to a tafeeli pharmacist and asked him for a cockroach remedy. he asked "and what are your cockroaches suffering from?"

  • "walak" means "dude". two hashashin (hash smokers) are driving around. one said to the other "walak, mind the phone pole. walak, the pole, the pole." they hit the phone pole. the next day they're coming to in the clinic and the first said to the second "walak didn't i tell you mind the pole!" and the second replied "walak you were the one driving"

  • a tafeeli's wife died and they're walking in the funeral procession to bury her and all the people are crying and he's the only one laughing. the shaykh stopped the procession and said "we won't go any further till you explain why you're laughing" and the tafeeli said "i was married to her for twenty years and this is the first time i know where she's going!"

  • a bedouin woman bought a bottle of men's cologne. her father asked "why?" she said "you've prohibited me to see them and now you don't want me to smell them either?"

  • they told a tafeeli "in china every minute someone is born" and he said "allahu akbar, it takes our women nine months"

  • a tafeeli prayed to our lord for fifteen years for a son. one night an angel came to him in the night and slapped his head and said "walak itjawwaz" (dude, get married!)

  • one time there were four tafayleh...they got together and called themselves "the three musketeers"

  • a gas station opened next to a cheap tafeeli's house. he said "thank allah, now we can walk to buy gas!"

  • a cheap tafeeli bought three oranges. he cut into the first one and it was rotten and he threw it out. he cut into the second one and it was moldy and he threw it out. he turned out the lights and ate the third one

  • a cheap tafeeli and his son are walking in a funeral. they heard the widow wailing "they're taking you to your new house, it has no mattress, no water, no food" (the grave) so the boy asked his father "are they taking him to our house?"

  • teacher: "tell me three milk-giving animals"
    tafeeli: "three cows"

  • a tafeeli passed a cow farm and asked them how they farmed cows. they humored him and said "we sow sugar in the land and it sprouts cows". so he sprinkled sugar on his floor. the next day he saw ants covering the floor and said "they're so cute when they're babies!"

  • a bedouin bought a pair of size 45 shoes. the next day he traded them for size 32s, why? he cut his toenails

  • one time an old man was on his death bed. he gathered his sons to tell them his last words and will. he asked them to gather him some sticks. he gave each of them one and told them to break it, and they all did. then he gave each 2 more sticks and told them to break them. the youngest and the middle could not break the 2 sticks, but the eldest could. so he gave the eldest 3 sticks and the eldest broke them. so he gave the eldest four sticks and he broke them. so he gave the eldest five sticks and he broke them. he gave him a bundle of the rest and he broke them, too. finally in exasperation he said "keep this brute around at all times, he'll keep you safe" and expired

  • two good-for-nothings (nidthal) are arguing over who is a worse scoundrel. they decide to settle it with a demonstration. the first walks up to an old man, grabs him under his arm, runs out into a busy street and throws him on the ground and rolls him into traffic, meanwhile the other is bent over laughing. the first says "aywa?" and the 2nd holding his stomach from laughing says "that was my dad"

  • teacher: "what did the Romans do after crossing the Mediterranean?"
    tafeeli: "hang their clothes up to dry, ya ustaz"

  • one time a tafeeli boy fell from the third floor. his father took him to the hospital and the doctor was incompetent, he came to the father and said "your son has died". the son woke up and said "no father, i haven't died!" and his dad said to him "be quiet, boy! do you think you know more than the doctor!"

  • one time umm ali took a lover and every time abu ali went out she would call him to her house. one day abu ali became suspicious and caught on to her and said "wallah i will catch her red handed" the next day he hid in the closet and overheard as his wife's lover asked "whose kiss is sweeter, mine or abu ali's?" and umm ali said "wallah abu ali's kiss is sweeter" and abu ali came out and said "you're faithful, umm ali, you're faithful"

  • a tafeeli man has a child. the child grows to five years of age and never speaks a word. one day he finally speaks, he says one word and falls silent: "khalo" (maternal uncle). his mom's brother dies the next day. a month later he says one word: "akhi" (my brother). his brother dies the next day. a month later he says "baba" (daddy). his dad writes his will and the next day the neighbor died

  • a tafeeli was sitting and his friend came and sat by him and said "your wife is cheating on you in the woods over there" and the tafeeli got up and ran to where his friend pointed, then walked back slowly laughing. his friend said "why are you laughing" and he said "you see two trees and you call them 'woods'?"

  • a car struck two men and killed one and maimed the other. the maimed one sat up and started filling the sky cursing the driver to allah and begging retribution and finally the driver was unnerved and pleaded "i just maimed you a little and you're sitting there cursing me, look at your friend, he died and isn't saying a thing!"

  • why does the tafeeli eat knafeh (a sweet) with a two foot long spoon? because his doctor told him to stay away from sweets

  • a tafeeli holds an ice cube dripping in his hand, turning it over and over and saying "i am just dying to know where the leak is!"

  • a tafeeli scoundrel is staying up late with his fiancee and the power goes out. she says "this is your chance", so he snatches her purse and runs out

  • why did the tafeeli cop chase after the garbage truck? because two youths were hanging off the back of it.

  • the first day at Yarmouk U, the dean is giving the instructions to the students. He says "if a young man enters the women's dorm, he'll pay 300 dinars the first time. The second time, it's 1000 dinars, and the third time, 2000 dinars." A tafeeli student raises his hand and goes "how much is a year subscription?"

  • a stuck up guy married a stuck up girl and she got pregnant. it was time to give birth and the guy reached in to help pull his son's head through and the baby snapped "hands off, i'll come out by myself"

  • a tafeeli got a job driving a bus. he got in a terrible accident and killed all 22 of his riders. "you're a criminal" said the inspector, "and you must be condemned, for your rash recklessness killed 22 people". the tafeeli begged off saying "i'm innocent and the accident was beyond my control, let me tell you what happened. i was driving about 120 kilos an hour and came to two donkeys standing in the middle of the street. to my right was a mountain and to my left a wadi. so what is your opinion, do I hit the two donkeys or tumble into the wadi?" "Hit the donkeys, of course!" said the inspector. "and that's exactly what I did," he said, "I hit the first donkey and turned around at high speed to hit the second one and that's when I flipped over into the wadi..."

  • a tafeeli and his wife are playing, he throws her out the window. He looks out and sees her on the ground, back broken, moaning, and yells "what's the matter, you can't take a joke?"

  • a tunt (arabic for dandy) is walking with his sister, and a wise-guy rascal grabs her ass. the tunt says "i hate you...i hate you" and his sister says "enough, you're killing him!"

  • Hindus made a Bollywood movie about the Iraq war, and at the end of it it turns out Bush and Saddam are brothers.

  • a tafeeli said to his fiancee "wallah when I honk for you come down the stairs and meet me" and she said excitedly "did you buy a car?" and he said "wallah no but I bought a horn"

  • a tafeeli sent his son to sell the donkey in the souk. the donkey came back with four dinars in its mouth.

  • a tafeeli was running and sweating hard and a man pulled up to offer him a ride. "where are you going?" "i can't stop, i'm in too much of a hurry!"

  • a tafeeli mechanic bought a bed to sleep under

  • a tafeeli asked his mother, "if you hadn't given birth to me and you saw me at some other people's house, would you recognize me?"

  • a tafeeli asked his friend "how's the boy?" and belatedly remembered that the boy was dead, so he quickly added "is he still buried in the same graveyard?"

  • the tafeeli virus...
    Dear Receiver ..

    How Are You??!!

    You Have Just Received A Jordanian Tafeeli Virus..

    Since We Are Not So Technologically Advanced In Jordan .

    I Am A Manual Virus. You Have To Help Me ..

    Because I Can't Do Every Thing By My Self ..

    Please Delete All The Files On Your Hard Disk .

    By Yourself And Send This ..

    To Everyone You Know ..

    Thank You Very Much For Helping Me ..

    Sender ..
    Tafeeli Virus ..
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A Bus Ride To Remember
A bus driver shuttling pupils to school in northern Greece shocked their parents when he put on a porn tape, officials said on Thursday.

The incident on Tuesday in the town of Kilkis prompted dozens of complaints by parents who have asked the bus company to fire him.

"The driver said 'kids we've got porn, do you want to watch it'," one of the pupils told reporters. "Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus."

The children were aged 12 to 15.

The bus company will meet on Friday to decide what action to take against the driver, local government officials said.
The Porn Tape on the Bus Goes Round and Round...
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Crime and Punishment

Crime: Wanting a funny post

Smoking Gun: Argumentative mother-in-law

Punishment: Taking her beautiful baby boy away from her

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Wal-Mart Pros and Cons
My position is very clear on this - I don't like Wal-Mart - but not because I'm an elitist. I love discount stores and I haven't cared about labour unions since I was 18 and naively joined one. The reason I don't like Wal-Mart is because it's a huge store and I hate shopping in huge stores. I hate Macy's and Nordstrom's too. (Ok, Nordstrom's I don't mind so much...)
Wal-Mart has an image problem. Unfortunately, the company seems to have only just figured this out.

Last week, it launched a nationwide public-relations offensive consisting of full-page ads in national newspapers, aggressive responses to critics in the press and a new Web site, www.walmartfacts.com.

Perhaps an "associate" -- Wal-Mart's version of an "employee" -- wandered into a Barnes & Noble and happened upon Bill Quinn's How Wal-Mart Is Destroying America and the World and What You Can Do About It or Al Norman's The Case Against Wal-Mart.

Regardless, Wal-Mart faces an uphill battle to restore its reputation after years of unanswered assaults. Fortunately for the company, it has a secret weapon: a small country's worth of satisfied shoppers.

The complaints against Wal-Mart are familiar to many by now: The company supposedly pays its workers too little, destroys small businesses, rips apart local communities and -- when it's feeling particularly sinister -- pushes little girls off of tricycles.

What's less well-known is just how popular Wal-Mart is with consumers. Obviously, a lot of people shop there -- about 100 million a week. But do they like it?

Wal-Mart Wakes Up
Speaking from personal experience, I'm the only dissatisfied Wal-Mart customer I know, so I think that yes, consumers like it. But just in case a Wal-Mart CEO is reading bloggie (it could happen), may I make a few suggestions: first of all take out all the guy stuff and move it to a separate store, let's call it "Wal-Manly-Mart." That includes the weight benches, the big TVs, the war-like video games and the hunting equipment. Next, move the children's section over there as well, and the McDonald's and the popcorn machine. The men can now take the kids with them to their own Wal-Mart and voilá! Peace and quiet (and a much smaller store) for the rest of us.
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The Church of Khidr
I have a few friends who, in their quest for the answer to life, the universe and everything, probably wouldn't mind joining this church.
Does freedom of religion grant a person the right to do something the government says is illegal?

An Illinois Central College student says yes.

I.C.C. student Joe Johnson says he’s being religiously persecuted for his use of marijuana.

There are no stained glass windows or steeples inside a third floor apartment on the campus of Illinois Central College.

But there really is a church inside a Woodview Commons apartment.

Joe Johnson says he’s an ordained reverend with the church of Khidr. The church focuses on finding God in the here and now. Members use marijuana to help them do that.

Johnson says his landlord is trying to keep him from using the drug in his apartment. He takes offense to people who say he just wants to get high.

“That's actually not the point at all. The focus of this church is to bring people closer to God. Just because we use the herb as our sacrament instead of alcohol or anything else, we don't think we should be persecuted anymore than Catholics who use wine to represent the blood of Jesus," said Rev. Johnson.

An I.C.C. representative says the school respects all of its students’ religious preferences, but when students sign a lease to live in the campus apartments, they agree not to have marijuana, alcohol or any other illegal substance.

Johnson says he is looking at taking his case to court.
Student Says Marijuana Is Part of His Religion
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You like games? You do? Really? Honest?

All right then, here you go.
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Jury Duty
I'm still laughing about this story, I've never been on jury duty and I've been wondering what to expect:
Defense attorney Leslie Ballin called it the "jury pool from hell."

The group of prospective jurors was summoned to listen to a case of Tennessee trailer park violence.

Right after jury selection began last week, one man got up and left, announcing, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."

When the prosecutor asked if anyone had been convicted of a crime, a prospective juror said that he had been arrested and taken to a mental hospital after he almost shot his nephew. He said he was provoked because his nephew just would not come out from under the bed.

Another would-be juror said he had had alcohol problems and was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover officer. "I should have known something was up," he said. "She had all her teeth."

Another prospect volunteered he probably should not be on the jury: "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as your lawyer), you're probably guilty." He was not chosen.

The case involved a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend in the face with a brick. Ballin's client was found not guilty.
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Guns and Hypocrites Celebrities
Filmmaker Michael Moore's bodyguard was arrested for carrying an unlicensed weapon in New York's JFK airport Wednesday night.

Police took Patrick Burke, who says Moore employs him, into custody after he declared he was carrying a firearm at a ticket counter. Burke is licensed to carry a firearm in Florida and California, but not in New York. Burke was taken to Queens central booking and could potentially be charged with a felony for the incident.

Moore's 2003 Oscar-winning film "Bowling for Columbine" criticizes what Moore calls America's "culture of fear" and its obsession with guns.
And who can forget this little gem: "I think there should be a law -- and I know this is extreme -- that no one can have a gun in the U.S. If you have a gun, you go to jail."

(many thanks to jim russell)

UPDATE: Check out Moorewatch for an update to this story. There are inaccuracies in the Fox article but as JimK puts it,
...the hypocrisy of Moore...in my opinion it still stands. It goes back to the first time we heard that Moore was hiring armed guards. He considers his own safety paramount, and feels that a weapon can protect him, but he doesn’t want the average American to have that same protection.
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Glen Wishard's Blogging Ethics
Glen Wishard has some sensible and ethical advice for bloggers. For example:
7. If you web-cam yourself while blogging, please do not wear an SS uniform, a Star Trek uniform, a Munich-style anarchist ski mask, a Dan Rather-style sweater, or underwear that is inappropriate to your gender. Remember always that you represent the blog community.

8. Avoid excessive use of internet acronyms like MSM (Mainstream Media), SCUM (So-Called Unbiased Media), BOOBS (Blogs Obviously Owned By Soros), etc. These confuse the MSM squares who will soon be getting most of their editorial analysis from us.
CANIS IRATUS: Prolegomena to a Future Blogger Ethic
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Listen To Your Mother
I love my mom for several reasons. Well for one, she's my mom so I have to. But she's also very useful to have around. For example, when mama visits I don't need to ever look in the mirror because she serves as one: "you need a haircut." "You look tired." "You need more sleep, look at those bags under your eyes." And I'm extra lucky because my mama also has a calendar function: "it's Saturday" (that's Greek for "call grandma.")
Out of concern for her daughter's well-being, Valerie Guzman spent the majority of her 26-year-old daughter Nancy's brief holiday visit belittling her.

"You only have that small bag?" Guzman asked Sunday when her daughter stepped off the plane. "You don't plan to wear the same outfit for three days, do you? You remembered we're going to the DiSicas' dinner, right? I don't want you running out at the last minute and buying a dress with money you don't have, just because you forgot to pack something nice."

"It would make things so much easier on everybody if you'd just plan ahead," added Guzman, whose first priority is the well-being of her children. "I mean, think about what you're doing once in a while."
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Bill Gates, Teen Heartthrob
I want to put his dreamy posters on my wall and lay on my bed daydreaming of him...
He's not just a hottt hottt nerd...he's also a bad boy with a rebel attitude!
[Thanks to Ian S. at Inoperable Terran]
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Treasure Box
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Best iPod Shuffle Quip Yet
I'll leave the hardcore Apple nerdery/punditry to Brian, who writes books about Apple products. My one and only thought on iPod Shuffle is the same thought I have about every other Apple product I've encountered: it represents the triumph of human-focused design over gratuitous featuritis. I just wanted to point this out because it made me laugh so hard:
Anyone noticed that the iPod Shuffle is the first and only digital music player ever released to NOT have a "Repeat Song" feature? Prety suspicious, huh? I bet the clever engineers at Apple are already hard at work with their *next* player... the iPod Repeat! Simple intuitive interface! Listen to your favorite song over and over again-- WITH NO USER INTERVENTION REQUIRED!
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Term of Abuse
Is it really so bad to refer to an entire nation of people as frogs?

Last summer, when I was giving a speech on Franco-American relations — shortly before the publication of Our Oldest Enemy: A History of America's Disastrous Relationship with France — I made a frog joke. It involved a stuffed pig, a barbeque, and, well, you sort of had to be there. But it was definitely a quip about the French. The audience snickered, though a few people exchanged nervous glances. They clearly wondered if it was appropriate to laugh when somebody referred to the French as frogs.

Lighten up, I thought. Think about it: If we aimed to insult, truly and deeply and venomously, then we could skip right over cute green amphibians and compare the French to the frogs' warty cousins, the toads. Or, in honor of Pepe LePew (as well as international perceptions about French bathing habits), we could call them skunks. Or we might allude to something else entirely and call them chickens. Or maybe even cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Why “Frogs??
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Duckhunting Manual, Chapter 6: The Importance of Underwear
As you may have heard, Charles was here yesterday and he took bloggie for a day in the zoo. Well, that was fun but all fun comes to an end and now we're back to business as usual with our regularly featured newsbreaking stories and tremendously important world events. It's good to be back to our serious state, all that silliness about people being fired over some old memos and stuff, feh...you call that news?
Ben Lipscomb found himself lost in the flooded backwoods of Bayou Meto this week while duck hunting with his Labrador retriever, Josey Wales.

He only managed to make it out by tying his white briefs to the end of his gun barrel and waving them at an Arkansas State Police helicopter.

Decked out in full camouflage hunting gear, Lipscomb was practically invisible as the helicopter made several passes at dusk.

"They had passed over me a couple of times," he told the Morning-News of Northwest Arkansas after he was safe and sound back at his City Hall desk. "I knew I had to do something to get their attention."

Anticipating a cold night in the wilderness, Lipscomb drank dirty bayou water and ate a raw duck breast before he was spotted.

Lipscomb had been in the flooded timberland near Hollowell Reservoir for about 12 hours when he was rescued. He went out with two other men and had already shot a couple of ducks when he and his dog spotted a host of ducks a few hundred yards away. After killing and bagging four of them, he realized he didn't know where the boat was.
Of course the best part of this story is the headline: Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him

P.S. I just want to say one more thing about Charles. You all realise he typed here?
P.P.S I've been stroking his blockquote tags all morning...
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Basking in the Limelight
What can I say? We're famous. We are so famous in fact, that evariste and I have been plotzing all morning and are running out of smelling salts and whiskey. Of course all this has to do with our brilliant intellect and nothing whatsoever with Charles Johnson.

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Rugby Vindicated
hello i am Rugby and i am a rat & it is with the greatest excitemint!! that i announce that if you thikn i am illietrate, you are vrey rwong!
Rats can tell the difference between such languages as Dutch and Japanese, according to researchers in Spain.
For their study neuroscientists Juan Toro and colleagues at Barcelona's Scientific Park tested 64 adult male rats.

They used Dutch and Japanese because these languages were used in earlier, similar tests, and because they are very different from one another in use of words, rhythm and structure.

The rats were trained to respond to either Dutch or Japanese using food as a reward.

Then they were separated into four groups - one that heard each language spoken by a native, one that heard synthesised speech, one that heard sentences read in either language by different speakers and a fourth that heard the languages played backwards.

Rats rewarded for responding to Japanese did not respond to Dutch and rats trained to recognise Dutch did not respond to spoken Japanese.

The rats could not tell apart Japanese or Dutch played backwards.
Lab rats demonstrate language skills
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10 Things Glen Wishard Can't Prove Are True
At CANIS IRATUS, Glen Wishard reacts to deepthoughtzine Edge's question-"What do you believe is true even though you cannot prove it?"
Read it, it's inspired. I didn't know that's where cubism came from! And I'd never heard of the Horatio Nelson Maritime Carnage Award.

8. Circumcision proves the existence of God. It beats all of the other proofs hollow - forget all of that Ontological and Teleological stuff. Get the hell out of here with your Thomas Aquinas. The practice of circumcision is the proof that settles the question once and for all.

If you were going to invent a religion, would you start by cutting off the end of your genital apparatus? Only God would have thought of such a thing, and only an almighty God would convince people to do it. Would you do it for Elron Hubbard? Hell, no. And this, by the way, also proves that God has a great sense of humor.

I guess that one belongs on a list of things that I can prove, but I got carried away with myself.

9. Why dogs don't watch television: A television image is a two-dimensional representation of three-dimensional space, and the ability to comprehend such representation is beyond the canine brain. To a dog, television looks like a talking Jackson Pollock painting, and the dog sensibly ignores it.
Glen is a funny genius.
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Jerry Springer Opera: The Sequins, The Nappy, The Outrage
Christian protesters have set fire to their television licences outside the BBC's London offices as outrage spread over the public broadcaster's plans to air a profanity-laden musical.

In the award-winning London show "Jerry Springer -- The Opera", viewers can watch a diaper fetishist confess all to his true love, catch a tap dance routine by the Ku Klux Klan and see Jesus and the Devil locked in a swearing match.

Michael Reid, a pastor and self-styled bishop who organised the peaceful demonstration ahead of the airing on Saturday evening, called the musical "filth".

"The use of foul language together with mocking Jesus Christ and portraying him wearing a nappy with sequins is highly offensive to Christians and we felt that it was totally wrong," he told Reuters on Friday.

He said the BBC would not risk upsetting minority faiths like Islam or Buddhism.

"Because we are Christians they think we are fair game for any insults," he added after dozens of people burned licences.

The spat, which has made front page news in the tabloid press, comes less than a month after hundreds of angry Sikh protesters stormed a theatre in Birmingham and forced it to scrap a play depicting sexual abuse in a Sikh temple.
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The Gere Intifada
A must read Andy Borowitz: Palestinians rise up against Richard Gere
One day after actor Richard Gere released a television commercial in which he ordered the Palestinian people to go out and vote, Palestinians in the Gaza Strip staged a violent uprising against the Hollywood star.

Mr. Gere's commercial, in which he said, "Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world," infuriated Palestinian militants, who were seen smashing "Pretty Woman" DVDs and shouting anti-Gere slogans throughout Gaza today.

While Mr. Gere's high-handed command may not succeed in motivating Palestinians to go to the polls, it could ultimately foster peace in the Middle East, since many Palestinians now hate Richard Gere more than they hate Israel.

"For years, I thought that Ariel Sharon was the enemy," said Abed Zobaidi, 29. "Now I realize that the real enemy is that 'American Gigolo' bastard."
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Steve Hawk
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השכרת ציוד לאירועים
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[img] Bernie Sanders, 1971
Merry Christmas Comrades!
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sealing in israel
The people of Ferkakta need vacation too, you know..
The Sanity Inspector
Getting to be about that time for Discarded Lies?
Clarence Morrison
Hi, Just wanted to follow up on the message from about a week ago. My name is
' How one enterprising Iranian expat family and its allies successfully pushed for U.S.-Iran rapprochement—and now stands to make
' This wry mockumentary from Vancouver director Mark Sawers envisions a world where women have become asexual and are
Clarence Morrison
Hi, My name is Clarence Morrison and I am a Research Coordinator with National Construction Association. I
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